Funniest GM or Player advice in a RPG

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Black Leaf

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We've all seen these types of advice, ranging from the sublime to the idiotic. But what I'm interested in is what bits you've found that are funny. This can be intentional (often in a comedy game) or unintentional (every bit of advice John Wick has written ever).

An example of both.

Intentionally funny:

Paranoia 2nd edition said:
Don't be softhearted. If someone deserves to die, kill him. If someone does not deserve to die, but it looks like it will be a lot of fun, kill him.

Somewhat different than how I run Paranoia these days, but it perfectly encapsulates the difference between classic Paranoia and the other RPGs on the market at the time.

Unintentionally funny:

Rifts Coalition Wars 3: Sorceror's Revenge said:
And remember, the potential for these things to critically unbalance a campaign is very high, so forget killer satellites even exist and do not include them in your game.

My favourite thing about this is how Kev tries to act like it's the reader's fault that killer satellites have become an issue. You''re the one that published a book with killer satellites in it, Kev.
 

Brock Savage

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We've all seen these types of advice, ranging from the sublime to the idiotic. But what I'm interested in is what bits you've found that are funny. This can be intentional (often in a comedy game) or unintentional (every bit of advice John Wick has written ever).
I am reading John Wick's Dirty Tricks and it is full of cringe. TLDR it's a book of advice for punishing players because they're not doing what the GM wants.

He's also one of those frustrated-writer-GMs who thinks breaking rules and fudging dice rolls makes the game experience better so that's like my natural enemy in the wild LOL. Why the fuck are you even rolling dice if you aren't going to honor the results?
 

Black Leaf

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I am reading John Wick's Dirty Tricks and it is full of cringe. TLDR it's a book of advice for punishing players because they're not doing what the GM wants.

He's also one of those frustrated-writer-GMs who thinks breaking rules and fudging dice rolls makes the game experience better so that's like my natural enemy in the wild LOL. Why the fuck are you even rolling dice if you aren't going to honor the results?
I especially *like* his suggestions for punishing players who spend points on merits by turning them into weaknesses.
 

EmperorNorton

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Man, I like John Wick solely for being heavily involved in one of my favorite game settings (L5R), and being the lead designer on the first edition of the RPG of it... but he always sounds like a miserable GM.
 

Brock Savage

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Man, I like John Wick solely for being heavily involved in one of my favorite game settings (L5R), and being the lead designer on the first edition of the RPG of it... but he always sounds like a miserable GM.
I will give credit where credit is due. Wick's rules-lite Cat is one of my all-time favorite RPGS and I played a shitload of Seventh Sea back in the day. I am not knocking his ability to design games or even GM.

Most of the sadistic gotchas in Dirty Tricks were used in a Champions game with complete player buy-in so they make sense in that context. In other words, Dirty Tricks is akin to a book full of hard-core BDSM practices that masquerades as a book of sex advice for couples. I suspect Wick regrets publishing Dirty Tricks
 

Brock Savage

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I suspect it's at least partly an act. It doesn't match up with what I've heard from people in his convention games.
I met him in the early 90's when I was working at a game store. We didn't get along at all. I think he liked shocking people and being controversial back then. He went on a long rap about how cannibalism under certain conditions can be a good thing. I was young, still in the Marine Corps (Reserve), and high on testosterone so I was probably a dick too.
 

Voros

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Annoying that I can't locate my 1e DMG, I need to get my books in order, but I still love where Gygax says to deal with trouble players by siccing an astral mummy on their PC or to strike them with a bolt from the blue!!
 

Brock Savage

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If we're gonna use the wayback machine and quote bad advice from Gygax, in the DMG he writes “It is important in most campaigns to take excess monies away from player characters” and then spends a page talking about taxes. Motherfucker, you're the one who designed it so characters need a wheelbarrow full of gold to level!
 

Ravenswing

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Annoying that I can't locate my 1e DMG, I need to get my books in order, but I still love where Gygax says to deal with trouble players by siccing an astral mummy on their PC or to strike them with a bolt from the blue!!

Yeah, we have better than a half century worth now of advice from gamewriters to use passive-aggressive bullshit on their players. Small wonder the hobby is so thoroughly resistant to dealing with unpleasant situations by using their damn words in a straightforward, adult fashion.
 

DeadBob

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If we're gonna use the wayback machine and quote bad advice from Gygax, in the DMG he writes “It is important in most campaigns to take excess monies away from player characters” and then spends a page talking about taxes. Motherfucker, you're the one who designed it so characters need a wheelbarrow full of gold to level!
If they'd just bought the damn castle, and hired the mercenary armies and outfitted them, this would have never happened :grin:
 

Brock Savage

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If they'd just bought the damn castle, and hired the mercenary armies and outfitted them, this would have never happened :grin:
Heh heh. I will reply to that with a quote from DM David

This scheme suffered one problem: Almost no one went on to the stronghold-building, army-raising part of the game. That sort of play made sense to miniature players like Dave and Gary, but the game’s new players had no experience with sand tables and lead figures. The price lists for barbicans and medium horsemen puzzled us. Even the miniature grognards kept going back to the dungeon. The dungeons under Castle Blackmoor began as a minor diversion to the campaign’s fantasy battles above ground, but the Blackmoor bunch spent so much time underground that Dave Arneson ultimately declared the above-ground conflicts lost to forfeit.
 

DeadBob

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Heh heh. I will reply to that with a quote from DM David
Heh, none of that actually surprises me.

That castle-and-army-building and wargame fighting only really makes sense when you are already miniatures gamers involved in that period, at which point D&D is more like a supplemental side-chick of a game.

And even then, it travels easier.
 

Black Leaf

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F.A.T.A.L said:
Use space wisely. Generally the Aedile should be seated higher than the players, so that when the Aedile speaks, the players literally look up to the Aedile. 1 method of accomplishing this is for the Aedile to sit on a stool, while the players sit on regular chairs.
 

Black Leaf

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Here are the things the players find if they ask questions (motherfucking players asking questions all the time like little questions-asking fuckers, why can't they all just fuck off and die?):"

From Spacehounds and Spaceshifters, by Cian "Icecream" O'Sullivan.
 

Ravenswing

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Joesky wrote a hilarious article advising DMs to incorporate an extra stat based on the quality and volume of food provided by the player.

Or babies.

The players knew the upcoming session would be an epic, deadly battle. So one couple bought their newborn daughter, and promptly deposited her in my lap. Confidently -- and justifiably -- they figured that my subsequent cooing over the tiny little would significantly improve their chances.

Kinda sobering now to recognize that little Laurelin is around 30 now ...
 

Bunch

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Or babies.

The players knew the upcoming session would be an epic, deadly battle. So one couple bought their newborn daughter, and promptly deposited her in my lap. Confidently -- and justifiably -- they figured that my subsequent cooing over the tiny little would significantly improve their chances.

Kinda sobering now to recognize that little Laurelin is around 30 now ...
Have you greeted her as Hero of Whateverbattle yet?
 

remial

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Joesky wrote a hilarious article advising DMs to incorporate an extra stat based on the quality and volume of food provided by the player.
I used to have a button I wore to games that read "If all else fails, buy the GM a pizza" damned if it didn't work.
Heroes get pushed off buildings, exposed to vacuum, electrocuted, infected, drowned, poisoned and irradiated. Being a hero is a tough job, and its part of your job to challenge your heroes. --Alternity GMG p 57
I also laugh when I remember that the first edition DMG said that one player had to draw the maps, one had to call out the actions of the party, I'm sure there were other responsibilities, but i don't remember them off hand.
 

Silverlion

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"Heroes get pushed off buildings, exposed to vacuum, electrocuted, infected, drowned, poisoned and irradiated. Being a hero is a tough job, and its part of your job to challenge your heroes. --Alternity GMG p 57 "

It's a gentle jab I think at Paranoia's back cover blurb that reveled in the horrible life you'd experience in Alpha Complex for fun. :grin:
 

Ravenswing

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Have you greeted her as Hero of Whateverbattle yet?

Hah. No. The very next time I saw her she was something like 19. It was a gaming session where the weather being nice, I had the quixotic notion of having it at a local beach. Her parents still were players in my campaign, and brought Laurelin and two of her (male) friends along so they could enjoy the water. There's no 19 year old born who'll do anything but cringe at one of her parents' geezer friends burbling along the lines of "I dandled you in my lap when you were a BAYBEE ..." in front of agemates. I try not to inflict things on teenagers that made me wince when older generations inflicted them on me! :closed:
 
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Bunch

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Hah. No. The very next time I saw her she was something like 19. It was a gaming session where the weather being nice, I had the quixotic notion of having it at a local beach. Her parents still were players in my campaign, and brought Laurelin and two of her (male) friends along so they could enjoy the water. There's no 19 year old born who'll do anything but cringe at one of her parents' geezer friends burbling along the lines of "I dandled you in my lap when you were a BAYBEE ..." in front of agemates. I try not to inflict things on teenagers that made me wince when older generations inflicted them on me! :closed:
But that's our obligation as old people. That way the circle can continue and when they get older they can go from cringing to appreciating.
 

Voros

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Hah. No. The very next time I saw her she was something like 19. It was a gaming session where the weather being nice, I had the quixotic notion of having it at a local beach. Her parents still were players in my campaign, and brought Laurelin and two of her (male) friends along so they could enjoy the water. There's no 19 year old born who'll do anything but cringe at one of her parents' geezer friends burbling along the lines of "I dandled you in my lap when you were a BAYBEE ..." in front of agemates. I try not to inflict things on teenagers that made me wince when older generations inflicted them on me! :closed:

Is that embarrassing? As a teen I had such a large family it was par for the course.
 
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