Diagetic Classes

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It is, if you like the structure of the sand that goes with it

anakin-cries.jpg
 
THE BARBARIA

N

WE KNOW WHERE THEY COME FROM—–PARTS UNKNOWN OR “BEYOND THE RIVER” OR A SAVAGE LAND OF FAR AWAY.

THE 1ST THING TO KNOW OF A BRABARIAN IS THEY HAVE NO ALINEMENT. A BARBARIAN HAS ONLY TWO SETTING: “HATE” AND “OKAY FOR NOW”. THE BARBARIAN HATES 99.999999999999999999999999999999% PERCENT OF STUFF, AND THE REST OF ITALL IS OKAY FOR NOW, BUT CHECK AGAIN IN A LITTELW HILE AND HE MIGHT HATE IT.

RANDOM BARBARIAN REACTION TABLE (1D100): ROLL FOR WHEN YOUWANT TO NOW WHAT HE IS THINKING:

1-22 HATE

23 OKAY FOR NOW

24-100 HATE

MOST BARBARIANS ARE DUDES- A GIRL CAN BE A BARBARIAIN AS LONG AS SHE HAS A PENUS. THEY ARE ALL HUMANS.

CLASS REQIREMENTS: 16STR, LESS THAN 9 FOR INT & WISDOM, 16CON

HIT DICE: 1D12

MAX LEVEL: FOREVER


XP LEVEL TITLE HD

0 1 SAVIGE 1D12

3000 2 BRUTE 2D12

6000 3 MEAN SONOFABITCH 3D12

12000 4 BASTARD PRICK 4D12

25000 5 FASESTABBER 5D12

5000 6 BLOODBATHER 6

120000 7 APOCALYPTO 7D12

250000 8 PRINSE OF DESTRUCTION 8D12

450000 9 INSANE 9D12

650000 10 BARBARIAN KING 10D12

AFTER THIS JUST DOUBEL EVERYTHING, SO 11 LEVEL TAKES 1300000 POINTSXP AND IS CALLED A DOUBEL SAVIGE BUT THE HP ONLY GETS +3

SAVING THROWS

BREATHING POISON/DEATH PARA. WAND SPELLS

LVL.1-3 13 10 14 13 18

4-6 11 8 12 11 14

7-9 9 6 10 9 10

10+ 2 2 2 2 3


GETOUT OF HEAR HOGAN THIS IS BARABARIANS ONLY!!!!!!1
SPECIAL ABILITYIES

KILLERS: ALL BARABRAIANS GET +1TOHIT/+1DAMAGE NO MATTER WHAT, PLUS THERE ANY OTHER BONUS – IF YOU ROLL A 20 TO HIT, ROLL 1D20 AGAIN AND IG YOU ROLL UNDER YOUR LEVEL THE FACE IS STABBED AND DEATH IS INSTANT

LOINCLOTH OR FUR SHORTS IS ALL YOU NEED: NEVER HAVE A PROBELM WITH COLD OR HOT DAYS, DONT SUFFER DAMAGE FROM THE ENVIRONMENT AS LONG AS YOU WEAR YOUR LOINCLOTH……MAGTIC COLD IS A DIFFERENT STORY

CIVILIZED IS FOR DORKS: BARBARIANS NEVER BUY SHIT AND SMART PEPLE WOULD NOT EVEN LET THEM IN THE STORE. YOU KEEP STUFF YOU STEAL OR FROM DICKS YOU KILL, BUT NEVER A SHOPPING TRIP. BOOZE OR FOOD OR SEXTIME IS THE EXCEPT, FROM A BAR OR HOORHOUSE.

NO MAGIC: DONT USE IT, OR POTIONS, OR EVEN LET SOME DICK CAST A FRIEND ON YOU EVEN IF HE IS A SPELL. NO MAGIC WEAPONS EVEN.

DONT NEED MAGIC: OH, TOUGH GUY UNDEAD-DEMON, HOW TO HIT IT WITH NO MAGIC? A SIMPLE PUNCH IN THE GOD-DAMN FACE WILL DO! BARBARIAN FISTS ARE AS GOOD AS MAGIC AND DO NORMAL DAMAGE. PUNCH A GHOST? HOW???!???!!1 WITH THE FIST, SAYS A BRABARIAN!!!!!!!!

DONT GET ALONG WITH CLERICS: YOU WILL JUST ARGUE ALL THE TIME ABOUT EVERY LITTLE SHIT, AND THEN IT ENDS WITH VIOLENCE

LEVELIGN UP: IT TAKES A SOMETHING EXTRA AS THE BARBAR LEARNS HIS WAY AROUND THE WORLD, SO DO THIS THINGS BEFORE YOU CAN MAEKTHE NEW L

EVEL:

BEFORE 2ND – KILL SOMEONE WITH BEAR HANDS

BEFROE 3RD – TAKE ON ENTIRE BAR IN BRAWL (AND WIN!!!)

BEFORE 4 – MAKE A NEW LOINCLOTH FROM FUR OF MONSTER AT LEAST 8HD (THE OLD ONE IS SUPER SMELLY!!)

BEFORE 5TH – BURN DOWN WHOLE VILLIGE

BEFORE 6TH – STEAL A GEM WORTH AT LEAST 50000GP, THEN LOSE IT LIKE A DOPE

BEFORE 7TH – BONE A QUEEN & THE KING FINDS OUT!!!!!

8TH – SMACK AROUND A GOD

BEFORE 9TH – MAKE A BIG PIRAMID FROM HEADS

BFORE 10 – CONKER A CITY

LEVEL POWERS

LEVEL TWO

DRUNK:
BOTTLES OF BOOZE ACT AS HEALING POTIONS……. BUT YOU ALSO GET DRUNK SO NOT TOOO MUCH!!!!1

LEVEL THREE

YOU CAN USE ANY MAGIC AXE

LEVEL 4

SOME THIEF ABILITIES:
MOVE QUIET, CLIMB STUFF, HIDE IN SHADOWS LIKE THIEF OF SAME LEVEL (BUT YOU NEVER HIDE IN SHADOWS TO LISEN TO A CONVERSATION OR MOVE QUIET TO SNEEK BYSO MEONE, ONLY TO PEEP ON CHICKS OR LAUNCH A CHOP-HEAD ATTACK.

LEVEL FIVE

YOU GET A FOLLOWER, ROLL ON THIS TABLE 1D12:


1-3 NERD: HE IS THE OPOSITE IN MANY WAYS OF YOU, AND HE TALKSLI KE A DORK AND HIS SHITS ALL LAME, BUT HE IS OKAY FOR NOW

4 – 6 SEXY CHICK: MAYBE GOOD WITH A BOW OR SOMETHING, CAREFUL THE HOT ONES ARETRICKERS!

7-9 LOSE CANNON WIZARD: ALWAYS DRUNK 75% OF TIME

10-12 ORNERY CRITTER: GOOD IN A FIGHT BUT EATS ALLOT AND WILL PEE ON YOU TO COMIC AFFECT

LEVEL 6

DONT HAVE TIME TO DIE: WHENEVER
YOU GO TO 0 HP, SAVE VS. DEATH AND IF IT WORKS YOU GET HALF YOUR FULL HIT POINTS BACK- IF IT DOESNT WORK, YOU JUST DIED

LEVEL 7

WOLVERINE:
YOU HEAL 4X FAST AS ANYONE (BUT CHOPPED OFF STUFF

DOES NOT GROWBACK………..OR MAYB EIT DOES????!?!?!?!?!?!!!?!1?!???!)

LEVEL 8

YOU CAN USE ANY MAGIC AXE, SPEAR, OR 2-HAND SWORD UNLES IT HAS STUPID POWERS LIKE LIGHT 10FEET RADIUM OR FIND SECRET DOORS OR STUFFF

LEVEL 9

TINY ITEM:
A SAMLL THING YOU FIND AFTER KILLING A MILLION OR SO PEOPLE MAKES YOU CONSIDER IF THTHE BLOOD IS WORTH IT. IT IS A GIRL’S STUFFED DOLL, OR A TINY MUSIC BOX THAT PLAYS A SAD TOON, OR A TINY SHOE FOR A BABY THAT HAS THE FOOT STUCK INSI DE.TO LOOK AT IT YOU THINK “HOLY SHIT WHAT HAVE I DONE, ALL THE DEADS! THEY ARE ALL OF THEM LOST LIKE SOME TEARS IN THE RAIN………………….” THIS IS YOUR PRESHIOUS. IF ANY ONE TAKES IT YOU MUST TRACK THEM DOWN AND WHEN IT IS TIME TO FIGHT DOUBLE YOUR HIT POINTS AND STR BONUSES. IF IT EVER GETS DEST-ROYED FOR GOOD, YOU WILL EMBARK ON A MISSION OF SUICIDE AFTER YOU KILL THE HOLE WORLD FIRST.

LEVEL 10

KING OF BARBSARIANS
……………… ASSEMBLE YOUR HOARD!!!!

CONAN GOES WITHOUT SAY AS THE BEST BARBARIAN, BUT CAN WE HAVE A CONSIDER OF OTHERS? I WOULD SAY ULTIMITE WARRIOR IS A GOOD BARBARIAN. RAMBO IS TO A GOOD BARBRAINIAN. AND ATILA THE HUND.

THE KID FROM THE CARTOON WITH THE UINIOCORN BUDDY WAS THE WORST BARBARIAN EVER AND SHOULS BE KILLED ON SITE.

THATS IT! NOW MAKE A BARABRIAN…………AND..

FIGHT!!!!!!!
 
another classic from Joesky The Dungeon Brawler...


A COLUM FROM OFFISIAL D&D IS HERE FROM MARK MEARLS WHICH IS GOOD. BASICALLY HE SAYS OLD SCHOOL DUNGEONS & D IS THE SAME AS 4TH D&D AND STUFF INBETWEEN AND SHOULD WE SHOULD AND WE SHOULD GET ALONG BECAUSE WE ARE GARY GYGAX FAMILY. IT IS NICE TO SEE SOME-ONEWHO IS TRY TO BRING US ALL TO GETHER AND IS NOT AFRAID TO MAKE A BRIDGE……………………….NO WAIT I EMAN FUCK YOU!!! PSYCHED OUT!!

AHAHAAHAHA A JOESKY TRICK!!!! YOU THOGHT I LIKE, BUT, THE COLUM IS HORSESHIT!!!!!!!!!!!11 SORRY MYLITTELPONY FACTORY, YOU DO NOT HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH CARCOSA……..BECAUSE OF LETTERS D AND FANCY & SIGN AND ANOTHER LETTER D????!?!?!!!?/ NO WAY DICKWAD, 4TH DUNGEON EDITION IS SOMETHING ELSE THAT BELONGS TO YOU AND PLANET ALGOL IS BEOLNGED TO OVER HEAR AND YOU CAN KEEP DRAGONBRED RACE AND THEN STONEHELL IS FOR HERE, OKAY YOU KEEP 50 HIT POINT AT 1ST LEVEL BUT THE PORNO STARS COME WITH US!!!!!! INO IT SUCKS TO BE THE STUFFY SUTE THAT WATCH FROM THE IVORY TOWER WHEN FERRIS BUHLER DANCES AND BONES THE HOT CHICK (WHAT HAPINED TO HER SHE IS THE HOTTEST CHICK EVER?????????!?!?!? SERIOUSLY SOME -ONE FIND THAT GIRL AND SEND HE HERE) , BUT YOU CHOOSED THIS!!!1 DID YOUR STUFF EVER SHOW UP ON THE UNDERDARK GAZINE? OKAY SORRY THEN, YOU ARE NOT WITH THE COOL KIDS.

SO WEAR IS THE HOPE FOR YOU……………………………..AN EASY FIX……………….. QUIT AND JOINUS! NOT SO EASY BECAUSE THE CUSHY JOB IS GONE BUTT THE FUN IS MORE: TARE OFF PANTS PANTS, TAKE A DUMP ON OPTIMUST PRIME STATUE, WIPE ASS WITH MAGIC CARDS, AND A CONAN SHOUT OF ‘EAT MY BALLS!!?” WHEN YOU RUN OUT THE DOOR! THEN LAY LOW AND PROBALY MOVE AWAY BECAUSE THE POLICE WILL COME SOON

AND MAKE THE MARK MEARLS COMPANY OR JOIN BRAVE HOBBIT OR MASYBE A PARTNER BOOK WITH JIM FIREPRINCESS. AND ALSO A REAL JOB ON TOP OF THAT BECAUSE THERE’S IS NO MONEY HEAR, BUT IT FEELS MUCH BETTER TO PLAY WHEN THE GAME IS THE ESCAPE FROM SHITTY WORKK AND NOT THE THE SHITTY WORK YOU HAVE TO DO FOR WORK.. BUT WHEN YOUR BOOK COMES OUT I WILL BE REDY WITH $10 FOR THE PDF AND ALOTS OTHERS WIILTO SO I HOPE YOU COME TO JOIN US!!!!

H SOME OF THEM SAY A TTITUDE LIKE THIS MEANS A SMALL GAME GETS TINYER BUT I DONT CARE? AND I JUST SAY SO WHAT? THEIR LOTS OF YOUNG PEOPLE AROUND PLAYING D&D LIKE ODYSEY, AND I THINK CYLOPATRONS NEICE OR SOMETHING AND JAMESNARDIAS KIDS AND CHRISTIANS KIDS SO D&D WILL BE AROUND UNTIL I DEAD AND THEN IT WILL KEE PGOING MORE…………. AND WHEN I DEAD I WILL GO TO HEAVIN HAPPY TO MEET ST. CUTHBERT AND HE’LL WILL STICK HIS HAND OUT FOR A WELCOME SHAKE AND THAT IS WHEN I STAB HIM IN THE FASE AND LAUGHING AS HIS STUFF IS TAKE BY ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1 HAHAHAHAHA ANOTHER JOESKY TRICK, CUTHBERT!!!

SHIT………………… ALOT OF BLAHBLAH BLAH FOR THE TIME FIRST IN A LONG TIME. SO HERE IS A LITTLE SOMETHING FOR THE DMS. ALL THE PLAYER WANTY PLATE-MAIL BUT I THINK THATS NOT REALLY FOR DUNGEONS……………………SO WARN THEM THAT YOU CAN HAVE YOUR STUPID PLATE-MAIL, BUT SOMETIMES (ONCE A SESSION?.) I WILL ROLL ON THE PLATEM-AIL FUCKUP TABLE, LIKE AFTER YOU FALL IN A PIT OR GET LOTS OF WET, OR IF A

PLATE-MAIL FUCKUP TABLE – ROLL 1 12 SIDE 1D12 (1-12)

1-6. NOT TO BAD…… A LITTLE KINK MAKES IT TOGUH TO MOVE, TAKE OUT THE LITTLE PLATE FOR A -2 AC PENALTY OR ALWAYS ATTACK LAST IN ROUND – FIX AT BLACKSMITH FOR $50GP

7. A COUPLE BUCKLES POPPED AND A JOINT IS STUCK SO THE RATTLE IS LOUD – ROLL RANDOM MONSTER TWICE AS MUCH – FIX FOR 100GP

9) BAD CHAFFING PROBLEM!!!!!!!!!!1 LOSE 1HP EVERY HOUR YOU WEAR STILL THE ARMOR. CANNOT BE FIX.

8. SWEAT, BLOOD + BAD ADVENUTRE HYJEAN= DUNGEON FUNK INFESTATION. PLATE-MAIL IS LOUSY WITH (1D6): 1. MINI-SHRIEKERS 2. YELLOW MODL 3. BLACK PUDDING 4. LEPRECAUNS // EACH MONSTER ATTACKS AS NORMAL NUTIL YOU GET THE ARMOR OFF (1-4 ROUNDS), CAN’T WEAR AGAIN UNTIL YOU CLEAN IT GOOD

10. YOU TAKE NEXT STEP, THER IS A CREEKING SOUND AND THEN THE PLATE-MAIL COMES APART AT EVERY SEEM WITH CRASH TO FLOOR, SHOWING THAT YOU HAVE ON RED JAMMIES WITH CARTOON HILLBILLY BUTT-FLAP ON UNDERNEATH. ARMOR RUINED AND HENCHMAN MORALE DROPS IN HALF. GUESS WHAT? ARMOR IS SCRAP METAL.

11. FROZEN!!!!!!!!11 EVERY JOINT STUCK AND YOU WILL NEEDS FRIENDS TO HELP YOU OUT, IT TAKES 1 TURN AND COSTS THREE WANDER MONSTER ROLLS FROM NOISE. ARMOR RUINED.

12 NEXT MAGIC ATTACK LEEKS RAW MAGIC INTO ARMOR – PLATE-MAIL COMES ALIVE AND RUNS AWAY WITH (YOU IN IT!!!) FOR 1000′ AT 18” SPEED. IT SEEMS TO NOW WHERE IT ‘S GOING BECAUSE IT WILL HEAD FOR NEAREST STAIRS DOWN TO LOWER LEVEL
 

W HAT DO TO DO WHEN A THIEF FALL HAPPENED


STOP ME IF YOUVE TOLD THIS SITUATION BEFORE: 5 MINUTES INTO A THE AVENTURE THE THIEF TRYS TO CLIMB A 10-FOOTED WALL AND THEN FALLS DOWN AND DIES. TIME TO ROLL 3D6 IN ORDER AND NOT PICKJ A THIEF THIS TIME, BECAUSE WHO NEEDS A SHITHEAD THAT DIES ALWAYS DOING A SIMPLE JOB!!!!
SO HERES DSOME IDEAS TO MAKE A FALL NOT MAKE YOU FLIP THE TABLE OVER AND SPILL THE TACO BELLL FOOD ON THE FLOOR. WHEN YOU FUCK UP A CLIMB ROLL TO CLIMB SOMETHING, INSTED OF A AUTOMATIC DAMAGE TAKING — ROLL 2D8 AND HOPE FOR THE BEST:

1 IMPOSSTIBLE!!! ROOL AGAIN
2 BROKED THE SHIT OUT OF YOUR ASS, ONLY 1-2 HP LEFT, CANT WALK OR FIGHT, NEED TO BE CARRIED AROUND BY FRIENDS. PROBABLY THESE ASSHOLES WILL LEAVED YOU FOR DEAD, MAYBE DIE AUTMOATIC WOULD BE A BETTER ONE1!
3 IV’E GOT GOOD NEWS AND SHITTY NEWS FOR YOU, WHAT DO YOU AWNT FIRST???? OKAY GOOD NEWS IS NO DAMAGE, YOU SURVIVE FINE! BAD NEWS IS ON THE WAY DOWN FROM DEADLY FALL YOU PRAYED TO A SUPER LAME GOD FOR HELP AND THEY MADE THE SAVE HAPPEN, SOMEONE TOTALLY DORKY LIKE ST. CUPBERTH OR PASQETTI MONSTER, OR A PETTY GOD OF LITING FARTS ON FIRE– NOW YOU ARE A OFFICAL CLERIC OF THAT GOD, SAME LEVEL AS YOU WERE THEIF.
4 AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH YOU ON WAY DOWN BUT WHAT THE HELL, THE FLOOR BROKED YOUR FALL……… WHY THE HELL THIS THING SO SQUISHEDY???? OH YOU WOKED UP A TRAPPER, ROLL ON INITIATIVE…
5 YOU CATCH YOURSELVE FROM A BAD FALL ONLY SLIDE DOWN 10”-FEET, WHEW THAT WAS A CLOSE ONE!! A QUICK LEG STRETCH OUT TO MAKE THE SAVE IS A PANTS RIPPER AND NOW THERES A PROBLEMO: YOU STOLE SOMETHING REALLY IMPORTANT TO ANOTHER PC AND YOU DIDNT EVEN REMEMBER DO IT, BUT FALLS OUT YOUR BUSTED PANTS AND KNOW YOU GOT SOME SPLAININ DO IF YOU WANT HELP TO GET DOWN.
6 ACTCHUALLY YOU MADE IT UP BUT IT WAS REAL TOUCH AND GO. IT MUST BE THE ARMOR AND CLOTHES IS NOT RIGHT – TOO SCARED TO CLIMB AGAIN UNTIL CHANGE ARMORED AND CLOTHES TO DIFFERENT ONES.
7 HUH…….. YOURE OKAY. IT WAS ALL JUST A VISULATION EXERCISE TO HYPE YOURSELF UP FOR THE CLIMB, YOU DIDNT EVEN TRY YET. OKAY NOW GOT FOR IT! (ADD ++10% TO THE ROLL).
8 NO FALL BUT SHIT NOW YOURE STUCK IN THE MIDDLE, WHAT NOW HOTSHOT????????? ROLL TO KEEP CLIMBING OR IF YOURE ONLY 5 FEET UP YOU CAN PROBABLY JUMP DOWN NO PROBLEM.
9 A DEADLY FALL HAPPENS BUT NO SWEAT, ONLY YOUR MOST PRESIOUS ITEM OR USEFIL ITEM BREAKS THE FALL. BUT IT ALSO BREAKS
10 YOU FALL FOR 1HP DAMAGE AND IT MAKES YOU RUB YOUR BUTT HARD AND SAY “OWWWWIE” AND A SMALL TEARS HAPPENS. ALL OF THE HIRELINGS LAUGH AND LOOK AT EACHOTHER LIKE, “WHO IS THIS SHIT HEAD AND WE ARE FUCKED IF THIS IS THE GUY IN CHARGE. ALL OF THEM SECRET TEAM UP AT NEXT OPPORTUNITY TO ROBB PARTY BLIND AND RUN AWAY.
11 THE FALL HAPPEN FROM A NOT TO FAR FALL AND NO DAMAGE IS HURT BUT THE SCARE IS REAL AND NOW YOU CAN NOT THIEF CLIMB AGAIN UNTIL YOU LEARN A LIFES LESSON ABOUT BRAVERY FROM A UNEXPECT SOURCE, LIKE A CHILD WITH MUMMY ROT OR A TROLL WHO CANNT DEGENERATE, OR READ POEM THAT MAKES YOU FEEL HAPPY+SAD SAME TIME.
12 YOURE A GONER FOR SURE AND YOU FALL HALFWAY THEN A BUNCHOF TENTICLES COME OUT FROM THE WALL AND GRAB YOU………….THANK YOU NICE MONSTER! OH SHIT NOW ITS TRY TO EAT YOU, ROOL INITIATIVE.
13 FALLS HAPPEN SOME TIMES ITS PART OF THE JOB. YOU FALLED BUT YOUR HEAD LULCKILY BROKED YOUR FALL. REROLL YOUR INT: IF YOU WERE WEARING A HELMET SUBTRACT 0, NO HELEMT = -3, IF YOUR NEW INT IS LESS THAN 3 YOU DIE IN YOUR SLEEP NEXT TIME YOU SLEEP. IF YOUR NEW INT IS MORE THAN OLD ONE CONGRATULUTIONS!!
14 YOU PREYED TO THE GOD OF THIEFS ON THE WAY DOWN AND WHAT DO YOU KNOW, THAT SUMBITCH ANSWERED. YOU GOT SAVED FROM CEERTAIN DEATH BYA REAL SCOUNDREL, NOW YOU GOT A THIEF QUEST TO DO FOR HER OR HIM (OR SAY NO TO A GOD, SEE HOW THAT WORKS OUT FOR YOU.)
15 OL’ SNEAKY PETE ISNT THE GOD OF THEIFES OR EVEN A PETTY GOD, HE’S JUST SOME WEIRD SPECTER THAT IS SUPOER INTO THEIFES, WHAT A TODAL WIERDO. ANYHOO, OL’ SNEAKY PETE USES SOME SPECTER MAGIC TO FLOAT DOWN YOUR FALL AND NOW HE FOLLOWS YOU AROUND AND TELLS YOU TO CONSTANTLY DO THEIF THINGS TO DO. HE’S BECOMES A JERK WHEN YOU DONT, TELLS MONSTERS THE PARTYS COMING, STEALS THINGS FROM OTHER PEOPLE SO YOU GET THE BLAME, ECT. HE ASLO EATS 50% OF THE TRESURE YOU KEEP. IF YOU CAN TRICKER HIM TO SAY HIS NAME BACKWARD HE GOES AWAY.
16 YOU DIDNT SURFIVE THE FALL TOO BAD, BUT YOUR GHOST CAN JOINS THE PARTY (ROLL FOR CREATE GHOST PC).
17 ROLL AGAIN TWICE TIMES.
 
I hate it when my plate mail gets infested with leprechauns.
 
THE BARBARIA

N

WE KNOW WHERE THEY COME FROM—–PARTS UNKNOWN OR “BEYOND THE RIVER” OR A SAVAGE LAND OF FAR AWAY.

THE 1ST THING TO KNOW OF A BRABARIAN IS THEY HAVE NO ALINEMENT. A BARBARIAN HAS ONLY TWO SETTING: “HATE” AND “OKAY FOR NOW”. THE BARBARIAN HATES 99.999999999999999999999999999999% PERCENT OF STUFF, AND THE REST OF ITALL IS OKAY FOR NOW, BUT CHECK AGAIN IN A LITTELW HILE AND HE MIGHT HATE IT.

RANDOM BARBARIAN REACTION TABLE (1D100): ROLL FOR WHEN YOUWANT TO NOW WHAT HE IS THINKING:

1-22 HATE

23 OKAY FOR NOW

24-100 HATE

MOST BARBARIANS ARE DUDES- A GIRL CAN BE A BARBARIAIN AS LONG AS SHE HAS A PENUS. THEY ARE ALL HUMANS.

CLASS REQIREMENTS: 16STR, LESS THAN 9 FOR INT & WISDOM, 16CON

HIT DICE: 1D12

MAX LEVEL: FOREVER


XP LEVEL TITLE HD

0 1 SAVIGE 1D12

3000 2 BRUTE 2D12

6000 3 MEAN SONOFABITCH 3D12

12000 4 BASTARD PRICK 4D12

25000 5 FASESTABBER 5D12

5000 6 BLOODBATHER 6

120000 7 APOCALYPTO 7D12

250000 8 PRINSE OF DESTRUCTION 8D12

450000 9 INSANE 9D12

650000 10 BARBARIAN KING 10D12

AFTER THIS JUST DOUBEL EVERYTHING, SO 11 LEVEL TAKES 1300000 POINTSXP AND IS CALLED A DOUBEL SAVIGE BUT THE HP ONLY GETS +3

SAVING THROWS

BREATHING POISON/DEATH PARA. WAND SPELLS

LVL.1-3 13 10 14 13 18

4-6 11 8 12 11 14

7-9 9 6 10 9 10

10+ 2 2 2 2 3


GETOUT OF HEAR HOGAN THIS IS BARABARIANS ONLY!!!!!!1
SPECIAL ABILITYIES

KILLERS: ALL BARABRAIANS GET +1TOHIT/+1DAMAGE NO MATTER WHAT, PLUS THERE ANY OTHER BONUS – IF YOU ROLL A 20 TO HIT, ROLL 1D20 AGAIN AND IG YOU ROLL UNDER YOUR LEVEL THE FACE IS STABBED AND DEATH IS INSTANT

LOINCLOTH OR FUR SHORTS IS ALL YOU NEED: NEVER HAVE A PROBELM WITH COLD OR HOT DAYS, DONT SUFFER DAMAGE FROM THE ENVIRONMENT AS LONG AS YOU WEAR YOUR LOINCLOTH……MAGTIC COLD IS A DIFFERENT STORY

CIVILIZED IS FOR DORKS: BARBARIANS NEVER BUY SHIT AND SMART PEPLE WOULD NOT EVEN LET THEM IN THE STORE. YOU KEEP STUFF YOU STEAL OR FROM DICKS YOU KILL, BUT NEVER A SHOPPING TRIP. BOOZE OR FOOD OR SEXTIME IS THE EXCEPT, FROM A BAR OR HOORHOUSE.

NO MAGIC: DONT USE IT, OR POTIONS, OR EVEN LET SOME DICK CAST A FRIEND ON YOU EVEN IF HE IS A SPELL. NO MAGIC WEAPONS EVEN.

DONT NEED MAGIC: OH, TOUGH GUY UNDEAD-DEMON, HOW TO HIT IT WITH NO MAGIC? A SIMPLE PUNCH IN THE GOD-DAMN FACE WILL DO! BARBARIAN FISTS ARE AS GOOD AS MAGIC AND DO NORMAL DAMAGE. PUNCH A GHOST? HOW???!???!!1 WITH THE FIST, SAYS A BRABARIAN!!!!!!!!

DONT GET ALONG WITH CLERICS: YOU WILL JUST ARGUE ALL THE TIME ABOUT EVERY LITTLE SHIT, AND THEN IT ENDS WITH VIOLENCE

LEVELIGN UP: IT TAKES A SOMETHING EXTRA AS THE BARBAR LEARNS HIS WAY AROUND THE WORLD, SO DO THIS THINGS BEFORE YOU CAN MAEKTHE NEW L

EVEL:

BEFORE 2ND – KILL SOMEONE WITH BEAR HANDS

BEFROE 3RD – TAKE ON ENTIRE BAR IN BRAWL (AND WIN!!!)

BEFORE 4 – MAKE A NEW LOINCLOTH FROM FUR OF MONSTER AT LEAST 8HD (THE OLD ONE IS SUPER SMELLY!!)

BEFORE 5TH – BURN DOWN WHOLE VILLIGE

BEFORE 6TH – STEAL A GEM WORTH AT LEAST 50000GP, THEN LOSE IT LIKE A DOPE

BEFORE 7TH – BONE A QUEEN & THE KING FINDS OUT!!!!!

8TH – SMACK AROUND A GOD

BEFORE 9TH – MAKE A BIG PIRAMID FROM HEADS

BFORE 10 – CONKER A CITY

LEVEL POWERS

LEVEL TWO

DRUNK:
BOTTLES OF BOOZE ACT AS HEALING POTIONS……. BUT YOU ALSO GET DRUNK SO NOT TOOO MUCH!!!!1

LEVEL THREE

YOU CAN USE ANY MAGIC AXE

LEVEL 4

SOME THIEF ABILITIES:
MOVE QUIET, CLIMB STUFF, HIDE IN SHADOWS LIKE THIEF OF SAME LEVEL (BUT YOU NEVER HIDE IN SHADOWS TO LISEN TO A CONVERSATION OR MOVE QUIET TO SNEEK BYSO MEONE, ONLY TO PEEP ON CHICKS OR LAUNCH A CHOP-HEAD ATTACK.

LEVEL FIVE

YOU GET A FOLLOWER, ROLL ON THIS TABLE 1D12:


1-3 NERD: HE IS THE OPOSITE IN MANY WAYS OF YOU, AND HE TALKSLI KE A DORK AND HIS SHITS ALL LAME, BUT HE IS OKAY FOR NOW

4 – 6 SEXY CHICK: MAYBE GOOD WITH A BOW OR SOMETHING, CAREFUL THE HOT ONES ARETRICKERS!

7-9 LOSE CANNON WIZARD: ALWAYS DRUNK 75% OF TIME

10-12 ORNERY CRITTER: GOOD IN A FIGHT BUT EATS ALLOT AND WILL PEE ON YOU TO COMIC AFFECT

LEVEL 6

DONT HAVE TIME TO DIE: WHENEVER
YOU GO TO 0 HP, SAVE VS. DEATH AND IF IT WORKS YOU GET HALF YOUR FULL HIT POINTS BACK- IF IT DOESNT WORK, YOU JUST DIED

LEVEL 7

WOLVERINE:
YOU HEAL 4X FAST AS ANYONE (BUT CHOPPED OFF STUFF

DOES NOT GROWBACK………..OR MAYB EIT DOES????!?!?!?!?!?!!!?!1?!???!)

LEVEL 8

YOU CAN USE ANY MAGIC AXE, SPEAR, OR 2-HAND SWORD UNLES IT HAS STUPID POWERS LIKE LIGHT 10FEET RADIUM OR FIND SECRET DOORS OR STUFFF

LEVEL 9

TINY ITEM:
A SAMLL THING YOU FIND AFTER KILLING A MILLION OR SO PEOPLE MAKES YOU CONSIDER IF THTHE BLOOD IS WORTH IT. IT IS A GIRL’S STUFFED DOLL, OR A TINY MUSIC BOX THAT PLAYS A SAD TOON, OR A TINY SHOE FOR A BABY THAT HAS THE FOOT STUCK INSI DE.TO LOOK AT IT YOU THINK “HOLY SHIT WHAT HAVE I DONE, ALL THE DEADS! THEY ARE ALL OF THEM LOST LIKE SOME TEARS IN THE RAIN………………….” THIS IS YOUR PRESHIOUS. IF ANY ONE TAKES IT YOU MUST TRACK THEM DOWN AND WHEN IT IS TIME TO FIGHT DOUBLE YOUR HIT POINTS AND STR BONUSES. IF IT EVER GETS DEST-ROYED FOR GOOD, YOU WILL EMBARK ON A MISSION OF SUICIDE AFTER YOU KILL THE HOLE WORLD FIRST.

LEVEL 10

KING OF BARBSARIANS
……………… ASSEMBLE YOUR HOARD!!!!

CONAN GOES WITHOUT SAY AS THE BEST BARBARIAN, BUT CAN WE HAVE A CONSIDER OF OTHERS? I WOULD SAY ULTIMITE WARRIOR IS A GOOD BARBARIAN. RAMBO IS TO A GOOD BARBRAINIAN. AND ATILA THE HUND.

THE KID FROM THE CARTOON WITH THE UINIOCORN BUDDY WAS THE WORST BARBARIAN EVER AND SHOULS BE KILLED ON SITE.

THATS IT! NOW MAKE A BARABRIAN…………AND..

FIGHT!!!!!!!
You have to be really skilled to never misspell Barbarian the same way twice. Level 9 Tiny Item had me LOLing.
 
Came for the diegetica, stayed for the rogue turned cleric while falling off the wall :grin:

I recently read the following stuff from Luke Gearing's blog:

Magic Outside of Levels


Effects beyond the mundane are achieved through the invocation of properties or through pacts with the supernatural.


The knowledge of these rituals is a treasure in itself. The material components for One Use effects are consumed in the casting - disintegrating, cracking or simply becoming magically inert.

(gonna just copy/paste a couple of entries)


FireballOne Use: Throw the shrivelled heart of a salamander, stored in cooking oil. 1/day: Sojourn to a Place of Fire and sacrifice a limb to the beings within.A ball of flame explodes, dealing 5d6 damage to all in a 50’ radius. Victims may make a Dodge saving throw to halve damage received.
 
Fog WallOne Use: The caster swallows eight frogs whole to charge the spell - vomiting out fog at will. 1/day: Deliver freedom to a mist-wight.A 20’ thick bank of fog rolls in. It is immobile and opaque.
 
Fog WallOne Use: The caster swallows eight frogs whole to charge the spell - vomiting out fog at will. 1/day: Deliver freedom to a mist-wight.A 20’ thick bank of fog rolls in. It is immobile and opaque.
I kept on misreading fog and frog interchangeably, making this sound like a really bizarre spell.
 
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