RPGs Explained By 2 Cows

TristramEvans

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Paranoia
The Two Cows are your friends. You would never betray the Two Cows, would you? Be a happy citizen, praise the Two Cows. The Two Cows are always watching you, to make sure you are drinking your milk. You don't know how many of your friends are secretly cow-haters.
 

TristramEvans

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Changeling the Dreaming
When you were a child, you had 2 cows. They were your best friends. Together, you'd spend countless afternoons going on adventures, running through the fields together, and imagining a world of magic and castles and heroism. Large silver bells hung from the necks of the cows provided music to accompany your escapades. As you got older, you spent less and less time with your cows. Though you still remembered them fondly, you got distracted by drama and school, and relationships, and then work You saw the cows less and less. One day, you looked out the window and the cows were gone. The field was empty. You walked out in it, and realized the golden fields of your youth was just dead grass. The perpetually bright blue skies you remembered were now grey and overcast. You began to wonder if the cows ever existed at all, or were just something else you imagined as a child. You went back inside. You went to work at your tedious job, you went through the motions in a relationship that had long since become platonic routine. You narcotised yourself with sitcoms and weak beers. And then, one lonely night when something nagging at the back of your mind you couldn't put a finger on, an nondescript feeling of loss, prevented you from sleep, you slipped quietly out of bed so as not to awaken the stranger you shared it with. You walked out into the field in the backyard. The cold wind blowing on your face reminded you of something you couldn't name, an elusive memory of a dream. And then you tripped on something in the field. Bending down, you felt something metal in the dirt. Digging at it, you pulled it from the ground and held it up in the moonlight. Worn and rusted, brown and blue, flaking and chipped, it was all that remained of a bell. Silent, decayed, and fragile in your hands. You held it to your heart and wept.
 

TristramEvans

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Phoenix Command
You have two cows. They weigh 948 lbs and 960 lbs, and are 57 and 59" tall, respectively. When they squirt milk, its at a velocity of 3 m⋅s−1, with a range of 1 yard, and a firing arc of 26 degrees. Their aim is 2, and able to fire in bursts of 2/ per round. With a human sized target (14) and an assumed shooter motion of 2, they have an effective accuracy of 16. Consulting the table you see that the odds of them putting a burst of milk in the target's face is 47%. Rolling a 13, look up a minimum arc of .3, showing the burst has spread over .7 yards. Checking that it's at the right elevation, consult a chart to find the chances of hitting at a RoF of 2 and MA of .3. Rolling a 469, they hit with one round in the face, and consulting the face-hit table, roll to see the area of the face hit. The chart indicates the hit was to the left cheek and eye, and consulting the cheek-eye table, you find the penetration value is .005. The hit does .01 physical damage, and the target fumbles his roll, indicating he is knocked out. Consulting the knocked out by wet(liquid) table, you roll 10d100 to find the trajectory of the fall. The fall is straight back, at a rate of weight x force of impact. Consulting the chart, its shown the target falls back at 5 mph directly towards the ground. Roll on the ground chart to see the hardness of the ground. Rolling 351, you find the ground is medium hardness (43), with a moisture of 15 and a 32% chance of having random rocks. Consulting the random rocks chart , you see there are 3 rocks. Rolling on the rock type chart you see these is 2 gypsums (1.25 hardness, 2.4 km ), and one apatite (6.5 hardness, 536 kp). Consulting the Weather The Night Before chart, you find it was rainy, and roll on the rain humidity chart for a result of 644. This adds +27 moisture to the ground and increases the ablative value of the rocks by 6%. Consulting the ground moisture chart, cross-referenced with the ground impact chart, you roll a 986 and comparing this to the Velocity of Fall chart, you find you take a physical damage modifier of 3. This modifier is applied to the Impact (small rocks chart-stationary) chart, leaving a final physical damage % chance of 18. Rolling d% you get a 99! The rocks have punctured. Roll seperately for each rock to find the hit location, and amount of bleeding...
 

TristramEvans

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Teenagers From Outer Space
You have two cows. You sendthem off to a dairy farm in the Weiglex Nebula, populated by hundreds of alien bovines, each of whom sees the earth cows as chic and retro and try to emulate them because of how cool they are. There's drama, when Bessie gets caught cheating on Bovlon with Minoton-6. The invasion of the Purple Snufflers from Andropa briefly threatens to turn all the milk produced chocolate. Then, a new farmer takes over, and everything gets really Japanese.
 

TristramEvans

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Tribe 8
You have two cows, both passed over from the spirit world to this one. The firsttook physical form for the first time in aeons and the explosion of sensations drove it mad. Gluttonous and greedy, it lost sightof its original purpose and began to feed on the sweet wine of misery and torment. The second cow instead built its physical form from inanimate materials, and thus was not distracted from its purpose in leading humanity, guiding you to safety from the first cow. But the second cow's cold heart lacked empathy and compassion, and it became cruel in its dogmatic righteousness, demanding unflinching obedience and harshly punishing the slightest transgression. At the smallest of slights, you were outcast and forced out into the remnants of the world to fend for yourself, finding solace and companionship only among the others rejected from society.
 

Bunch

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Justifiers
You have two cows. Both have been uplifted. One works for Corp Sec, the others a pilot. You're hoping this is the mission that earns them enough credits to afford their buyback and be free to graze instead of being the mission where one gets a leg blown off and replaced with a cybernetic leg putting them further in debt.
 

AsenRG

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The Witcher RPG
You have two cows. One of them was superbly trained, but due to a certain Trial wold never produce more veal. The other one can sing and knows the right people, but the biggest influence in her life was a friendly Domovoy. Now they hear a rustling in the bushes. What do they do?
 

Nobby-W

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Traveller

You have two cows. They're both veterans, about 40 years old and deep into a mid-life crisis. Somehow they have gotten hold of an old spaceship and a small arsenal of high-tech weaponry that they're not allowed to take off the ship so they mainly use shotguns instead. During their downtime in week-long jumps, they like to debate the minutae of Imperial succession and troop dispositions.
 
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soltakss

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RuneQuest
You have two cows. someone from a rival clan might try to take them, as they are cattle-rustling bandits. You might want a bull for your two cows, so you could go on a HeroQuest to bring back a magical bull. Local Broos have their eye on your cows, that is not good, not at all.
 

Bunch

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Champions
You have two cows. One can fly and project energy beams from it's horns. It's hunted by a large evil Vegan group on a 14 or less. It has an incompetent DNPC calf who shows up on an 8 or less. It has a fear of pooping in public.
The other cow is strong enough to life and aircraft carrier and has power armor. It's enraged by the color red on an 11 or less. It has a secret identity and anger management issues.

Together they fight crime and defend the world against alien pickup trucks
 

Simlasa

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Call of Cthulhu
You have two cows. One is eaten by a spawn of Shub Niggurath. The other has its brain put in a jar by the Mi Go and is currently on a tour of the Pleiades.
Good news, there's some new critter in the barn! Let's go see what it is!
 

spittingimage

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One of my favourite recent Shadowrun adventures involved stealing a genetically-enhanced cow from a biotech R&D facility.

World of Darkness

You have two cows. One is listless and ineffective because it hasn't had time to volunteer at the soup kitchen recently. The other is slowly losing its sense of right and wrong because it ate a hamburger.
 

Black Vulmea

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Traveller

You have two cows. They're both veterans, about 40 years old and deep into a mid-life crisis. Somehow they have gotten hold of an old spaceship and a small arsenal of high-tech weaponry that they're not allowed to take off the ship so they mainly use shotguns instead. During their downtime in week-long jumps, they like to debate the minutae of Imperial succession and troop dispositions.
Traveller

You have two cows. Their base price is ImpCr 1500 per ton. Their purchase DM's are Ag -2, Na +2 In +3 and their resale DMs are Ag -2, In +2, Po +1.
 

Bunch

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Mechanoid Invasion
Your two cow colonists on a distant planet. Alien Invaders have come in and destroyed all the major cities. Humans have gone underground. The aliens are strip mining your new planet. Armed with Bic lighters and an overabundance of flatulence you attempt to take on the Invaders armed with plasma weapons and nukes. How long can you hold out?
 

Ladybird

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Golden Sky Stories
You are a cow. The milkmaid is sad because she lost her shawl. You and the goat turn into children and fix it.

Maid
You are a cow and a girl. Your udders are too big and your uniform is too small. This is hilarious.

Tails of Equestria
You are a cow.
 

AsenRG

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Usagi Yojimbo:
You have two cows. One of them is a yojimbo, the other is a courtier specialising in rope and chain weapons. Together, they fight the machinations of daimyos that want a new civil war.

Ironclaw:
You have two cows. The cows have noble ranks, but they have been kidnapped and their relatives want them returned. Excellent opportunity for dashing swordsmen like your wolves!
 

Gringnr

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Continuum

You will have two cows. If you go back to the past and kill one of them, it will still be here now, when you return. But you will start to disappear.
 
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AsenRG

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Feng Shui:
You have two cows. Both of them are afraid of magic, so they prefer to stay away from HK and act using intermediaries, which they can afford to, since they're both insanely rich. You're a ragtag bunch that sometimes clashes with said intermediaries.
 

spittingimage

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Genius: the Transgression

You had two cows. You smartified them using brain implants powered by lawnmower engines and now two cows have you.
 

Trippy

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Feng Shui:
You have two cows. Both of them are afraid of magic, so they prefer to stay away from HK and act using intermediaries, which they can afford to, since they're both insanely rich. You're a ragtag bunch that sometimes clashes with said intermediaries.
I thought it would be:

Feng Shui

You have two cows. Blam blam.....ratatatatat....kiiiii-yaaaaah! Boom!
 

Nobby-W

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Rolemaster

You have two cows. They get into a battle with a band of orcs. The battle takes six hours tor resolve until one of the cows trips over an imaginary deceased turtle.
 

Ladybird

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Feng Shui:
You have two cows. Both of them are afraid of magic, so they prefer to stay away from HK and act using intermediaries, which they can afford to, since they're both insanely rich. You're a ragtag bunch that sometimes clashes with said intermediaries.
You have two cows. It's much easier to milk them if you backflip off a speeding tractor while releasing a sleeve-full of doves. No, I don't know why either.
 

The Butcher

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Rifts
You have two cows. One is a Cowborg RCC with MDC armor plating, mini-missives and a particle beam cannon, that can go toe to toe with a couple of mechs. The other is a Demon Cow RCC with supernatural strength, bio-regeneration, natural MDC, is a master psionic, knows all spells levels 1-15 and a bunch of Palladium RPG magic you don’t have the book for, and whose horns work as rune weapons for 1d6 x 10 MD gore attacks. You can milk them once for every melee action you have, which means that the Boxing skill can help you here too, but that never happens in-game.

Any World of Darkness Game
For time immemorial your two cows have followed the dark ways of the bovine. Other pairs of cows believe themselves to be in possession of the truth, but your two cows alone are the true lords of the night.

Savage Worlds
You have two cows. You go into the barn to milk them but they Gang Up and ruin your day because you never use Combat Tricks. Serves you right too. Dumbass.
 

AsenRG

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You have two cows. It's much easier to milk them if you backflip off a speeding tractor while releasing a sleeve-full of doves. No, I don't know why either.
Ahem...no? It just gets harder to milk them if you describe it the same way every time:grin:!

I thought it would be:

Feng Shui

You have two cows. Blam blam.....ratatatatat....kiiiii-yaaaaah! Boom!
Or that:thumbsup:!
Unknown Armies
You have two cows. They sneak into your room at night and whisper horrible secrets in your ear.
That would be CoC or Delta Green, I believe. Or Kult. Maybe In Dark Alleys.
But in UA, the cows only matter if your Avatar or Adept obsession has something to do with them. You did it, not some damn cows:shade:!
 
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finarvyn

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Traveller

You have two cows. They're both veterans, about 40 years old and deep into a mid-life crisis. Somehow they have gotten hold of an old spaceship and a small arsenal of high-tech weaponry that they're not allowed to take off the ship so they mainly use shotguns instead. During their downtime in week-long jumps, they like to debate the minutae of Imperial succession and troop dispositions.
Traveller

You have two cows, but one died in character creation. The other one plans to take out a 30-year mortgage in order to build a starship with 3 tons of space weapons but needs 30 tons of space to house the computer to shoot the space weapons.
 

David Johansen

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Mechanoid Invasion
Your two cow colonists on a distant planet. Alien Invaders have come in and destroyed all the major cities. Humans have gone underground. The aliens are strip mining your new planet. Armed with Bic lighters and an overabundance of flatulence you attempt to take on the Invaders armed with plasma weapons and nukes. How long can you hold out?
The funny thing is that the Mechanoids don't hate all life, just humanoids. The chances are that in the midst of all the genocide they'd take special care to rescue and resettle the cows free from human aggression and exploitations.
 

Gringnr

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Gamma World

You have two cows. You did have a mutated Plant in the party as well, but the cows ate him. They've noticed the looks you've been giving them. And their suspicions are correct. If you can figure out how this heat gun works, it's barbecue time!
 
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