RPGs Explained By 2 Cows

Wormturn

Rinse Mob
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Blades In The Dark

You have two cows. One is infested with screaming ghosts while the other is covered in bleeding demon-glyphs, and both of them are wearing ski masks. The police would like to know why you've parked them outside a bank with their engines running.
 

Tulpa Girl

Still looking for my first TPK.
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DC Heroes

You have two cows. If both of them decide to attack you, you suffer a -1 Column Shift to your Opposing Value. Should you decide to attack both of them, the gain a +1 CS to both their Opposing Value and their Resistance Value.

Also, if they survive, the first chance they get they're letting Vixen know what you did to them, you freak.
 

Gringnr

Chief of the Boat Feels
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The OSR In General

You had two cows, a long time ago. You loved these cows, even though they had a few quirks and weren't always easy to work with. Eventually, however, they got old and started to fall apart. You really needed some new cows. But you didn't care for the younger cows, because they just weren't enough like your cows. Eventually, you discovered that you could clone your old cows. This was a revolutionary idea. And at first, you wanted to make new cows that were just like your old cows. And that worked, for a time. But then, you got to thinking about those... quirks. You decided to clone the cows again, only this time, you made a few... minor alterations. Or, as you called them, "improvements." And it was great! These cows were even better than your old cows! You were as happy as you could be. Then, your neighbor decided he didn't like the changes you had made, so he went and cloned your old cows, and made a whole different set of changes than you had made, according to his own preference. You didn't really care for these changes, but, hey, live and let live, right? He seemed happy enough with his version of your old cows. Unfortunately, after this, every jackass with an interest in cows decided that they wanted to get in on the act. Clones of your old cows were popping up everywhere. Some were pretty faithful copies, and some had been changed significantly. Strangely, many people decided they didn't like using their cloned cows for ranching, and instead started putting them in all kinds of strange and unusual situations. Although some of these worked out okay, many were just... not right for cows. But there was no talking to these people! They believed they had actually improved things by using the cows in a completely different manner than they were bred, er, cloned for! It was maddening. What's worse, a lot of these cow-cloners started to get the peculiar idea that their particular version of your old cows was somehow superior to all of the other cows. They fought about it constantly. This confusion escalated when people started cloning other cows, and the debates raged anew, and along similar lines. Tempers flared, and people lost their Goddamned minds arguing about fucking cows, even though everyone was free to have whatever cows they damn well liked. Eventually, you got sick of cows. You got sick of everyone arguing about cows. Most especially, you couldn't stand the attitude of that one guy who kept telling everyone that your old cows were perfect, and everyone who wasn't using your old cows was "doing cows wrong." You had only really liked using them for ranching, anyway, and couldn't understand why everyone was trying to use cows for every fucking thing these days. Especially when other animals would work just as well, or even better. Eventually, you gave all of your cows away and moved to the city, because fuck this. You now hate cows.
 

David Johansen

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The Arcane Confabulation

Annabelle
1st Level Cow
Annabelle is a beautiful young cow, naive and vain. She dreams of running away with her childhood friend Bob and living free in the wild. Annabelle thinks that the farmer is giving her the best oats because he is enthralled by her beauty but really he’s fattening her up for market where he expects her to fetch a pretty price from the butcher.

Gifts:
Quadruped
No Hands
Horns
Thick Hide

Characteristics:
Agility 9
Appearance 11
Constitution 13
Dexterity 3
Fortune 10
Reason 7
Knowledge 2
Perception 13
Status 2
Strength 23
Voice 3
Willpower 11

Awareness 30 + 3
Notice + 3 = 36

Melee 45 + 1
Horns + 1 = 47
Hooves + 1 = 47

Outdoors 28 + 1
Wood Craft + 1 = 30

Resilience 47 + 1
Fatigue + 1 = 49
Metabolize +1 49
Vitality +1 = 49

Social 25 + 3 = 28
Provoke + 3 = 31
Insinuate + 3 = 31
Insult +3 = 31

Ethel
Ethel is a matronly former dairy cow who leads her herd with the cunning and intelligence gained from years on the pastures of the border lands. Ethel is conversant with badgers, sheep, and goats, understands human language passably well. While Ethel is gentle with calves and children, she has no respect for bombastic louts of any sort and can be mean and vindictive. Dogs in particular learn to stay clear of her. She has learned the trick of bowing her head before human lords and is accounted wise even among the local humans. The local druid finds her to be an obnoxious and bossy busybody and he’s not wrong. Ethel will provide cattle raiders with all manner of troubles but for young adventurers in trouble she might be aid unlooked for.

10th Level Cow
Gifts:
Quadruped
No Hands
Horns
Thick Hide

Characteristics:
Agility 13
Appearance 9
Constitution 12
Dexterity 3
Fortune 13
Reason 14
Knowledge 12
Perception 15
Status 2
Strength 25
Voice 2
Willpower 17

Awareness 42 + 30
Follow Tracks + 20 = 92
Notice + 30 = 102
Read Signs + 20 = 92
Search + 20 = 92

Lore 43 + 20
Badger Language + 20 = 93
Goat Language + 20 = 93
Human Language + 20 = 93
Sheep Language + 20 = 93

Melee 50 + 20
Horns + 20 = 90
Hoofs + 20 = 90

Out Doors 37 + 30
Cattle Master + 30 = 97
Wood Craft + 30 = 97

Realm of Spirit 43 + 30
Call Cattle + 30 = 103
Call Dogs + 30 = 103
Counter Spirit + 30 = 103
Know Emotions + 30 = 103
Send Impressions + 30 = 103

Resilience 54 + 20
Fatigue + 20 = 94
Metabolize + 20 = 94
Vitality + 20 = 94

Resolve 43 + 30
Courage + 20 = 93
Attunement + 20 = 93
Discipline + 30 = 103
Ignore + 30 = 103
Resist + 30 = 103

Social 28 + 30
Intimidate + 30 = 88
Inspire + 30 = 88
Motivate + 30 = 88
Provoke + 30 = 88
 

Bunch

Prince of Insufficient Light.
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Alpha Omega
You have two cows. One is an archon of good. The other is biomechanical degenerate cow.
You had 5000 points to spend on one and 3478 to spend on the other. You give up making characters for them after three days.
 
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Ladybird

TRAHR
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SLA Industries

You had a dream about having two cows. But they're real. The cows work for a bull who is running the dream. The farmer is making you have the dream. You're a butcher. You're trapped inside your own dream. You hate cows.
 

Savage Schemer

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PDQ
You have two cows you've rated at Good [+2]. You get into a fight, taking 2 ranks of damage, which you allocate to the cows. This drops your current rating to two Poor [-2] cows and your next story hook will somehow involve the cows.

Hollow Earth Expedition
You have 2 cows, which you took as pack animals on your trek to find the hollow Earth. Once there, your expedition team was eaten by dinosaurs but you and your cows survived. Now, only you and your 2 cows can stop the Nazis who've also made their way into the hollow Earth from getting their hands powerful Atlantean artifacts and conquering the surface world.
 

Bunch

Prince of Insufficient Light.
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PDQ
You have two cows you've rated at Good [+2]. You get into a fight, taking 2 ranks of damage, which you allocate to the cows. This drops your current rating to two Poor [-2] cows and your next story hook will somehow involve the cows.

Hollow Earth Expedition
You have 2 cows, which you took as pack animals on your trek to find the hollow Earth. Once there, your expedition team was eaten by dinosaurs but you and your cows survived. Now, only you and your 2 cows can stop the Nazis who've also made their way into the hollow Earth from getting their hands powerful Atlantean artifacts and conquering the surface world.
Aw now I want to play HEX.
 

Chris Brady

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Alpha Omega
You have two cows. One is an archon of good. The other is biomechanical degenerate cow.
You had 5000 points to spend on one and 3478 to spend on the other. You have up making characters for them after three days.
This is so true it HURTS!
 

Black Vulmea

No. Appearing: 30-500
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Flashing Blades

You have two cows. One is a dashing nobleman's prize bull. The other is a milk cow belonging to to the magistrate's humble washer-woman. Together they duel the Cardinal's Guards because PANACHE!

Boot Hill

You have two cows. And this town ain't big enough for the both of 'em . . .
 

Bunch

Prince of Insufficient Light.
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Autoduel Champions
You have two cows. One spent her points in Dex,Spd and combat driving skills. The other is a master mechanic with skills vehicle mounted weapons.
Together the cruise the nation's highways in their heavily armored semi with trailer delivering soy products to the vegans of Merica!
 

Baeraad

Delicate Snowflake
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Against the Dark Yogi

You've got two cows. They're each worth 10 gold coins or 100 chickens. You got them from the raja as a reward for defeating 20 tigers to save his daughter.
 

Baeraad

Delicate Snowflake
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Eldritch Skies

You have two cows. They are tentacled alien cows from Yoggoth, but don't hold that against them, you prejudiced bastard. They're just as good as Earth cows, even though Earth cows just happen to be better than them at everything. You feel like milking them should be a lot more interesting than it actually is.
 

TristramEvans

The Right Hand of Doom
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Warhammer Fantasy Roleplay

You have two cows. Well, you did, but you sold one of them in Altdorf to pay off your gambling debts. The other one has some sort of strange disease you can't identify and you swear you hear it cackling when no one else is around. And now this other, new cow just showed up. One that looks suspiciously like a pantomime cow, for some reason smells of rats, and whose bell gives off a pretty odd green glow. You'd probably have more time to be worried about that if you hadn't suddenly grown a new arm...
 

TristramEvans

The Right Hand of Doom
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Vampire: The Masquerade

You have two cows. One only shops at Hot Topic, and spends all it's time listening to The Cure and writing bad poetry. The other one wears shades and a trenchcoat, carries a Katana, and keeps trying to challenge you to a game of rock/paoer/scissors, even though it can only throw rock.. They both keep telling you that they are really into Joseph Campbell, but for some reason you just don't believe them.
 
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ACKS
You have a stronghold with 1,000 peasant families, each of whom is assumed to have 2 cows as well as 30 acres of arable land. You are pretty sure the meat, milk, and grain production has all actually been modeled behind-the-scenes but you'd have to subscribe to Axioms to know for sure; the rules just give you an abstract amount of gold pieces which you collect each month. You use the gold to field an army that you conquer other people's domains with in order to take THEIR cows. About one-third of your friends think this is dumb and just want to go back to dungeoncrawling in 5E. The other two-thirds want to know why the specific breed of cow hasn't been modeled.
 
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