In which EmperorNorton tries to read every X-Men comic ever

[EmperorNorton]

I've been meaning to do this for quite a while. I've actually done a large portion of it in the past (I got from the 60s to about 2010), but that was like 8 years ago, and I'll admit a large portion of it has worn off and I don't remember nearly as much of what I would like to. Basically, I'm going to read every comic that is X-Men related. From start to finish, going from the 60s to modern era. Why? Because I'm an idiot. Why am I making a thread about it? Because unlike last time, I want a written record of the adventure, and I think others might find it fun to follow along in the insane quest.

First some basic info though. I'm a huge X-Men fan. it has been my favorite comic book property almost sense I could read (though I actually read Transformers before X-Men, and it has stuck with me as well, X-Men still edges it out for me). The first X-comics I read were in the late 80s/early 90s. Fall of Mutants => Australia Team that era of stuff (though hilariously, Australia time period is one of my least favorite). Obviously, as I pulled a bunch of stuff from the "old comics" bins as well, I'd read a good bit of things that were older as a kid, but it was all mix matched stuff that I could find and I didn't start in the Clairemont heyday, and don't have the same nostalgia for it.

Also, being that the internet was not what it is now... just in general I was all over the place in what I owned and had read. (And unlike Transformers, which I did eventually end up with like 75% of the 80 comics that were printed, there was just too much X-Men for me to possibly ever do that).

Anyway, back in the 2010s, I decided to try and read everything. I subscribed to Marvel Unlimited, but you know, especially back then, there was a lot of stuff that was just missing. But I kept the subscription, because I wanted to keep "paying" for what I was reading, and instead found a person online who was doing chronological torrent packs of every X-Comic. Those are still the same ones I'm using for this readthrough, even though I still have Marvel Unlimited for two reasons: 1. Unlimited still doesn't literally have everything and 2. Marvel Unlimited is much much less organized for doing what I want to do. So I'm reading on a tablet, using PerfectViewer, and a ton of cbr files.

Through this thread, I'll do a few sentences on each individual comic. I'm not going to do full reviews because... good lord there are so many.

And when I mean so many, I mean getting from the 60s to the 2000s is 2700 comics. Even reading 8 a day, it would take me nearly a full year just to get to the year 2000. I doubt I'll go that fast. This will be a stupid undertaking. Hence the "probably due to insanity".

I've started reading today, and when I finish reading for today (I tend to read to wind down at the end of the day), my next post in this thread will be a collection of comments on the first set of comics I've read. I will probably also give my thoughts on the "era" I'm reading through occasionally as I go.

 

[EmperorNorton]

First of all, oh let me tell you about 60s comic writing. I would call it overly verbose and well, too on the nose. I like it for what it is, but I will tell you that nothing takes longer than reading a comic where all the characters narrate every single thing they are doing in detail. Additionally, there is definitely a set "formula" during this era of X-Men. This isn't a bad thing for what it was meant to be, something that was read once a month/every two weeks, for kids, and not expected for most people to read every single one... that said, as an adult, reading now, and reading it all back to back to back... it can be a bit much. This beginning I know will be a hard part for me. But I suffer for my completionism.

Uncanny X-Men #1
The start of the standard formula. Prof X running them through the Danger Room to introduce our four heroes (soon to be 5), suddenly A MUTANT IS CAUSING A PROBLEM, mission, Prof X congratulates them all on a job well done. This one gets the introduction of Jean Grey in the middle of it as well, and boy... let's just say it was a different time. 3 of our 4 heroes (Cyclops, Beast, Angel) fall all over themselves trying to hit on her in very awkwardly aggressive ways that... are not very charming. Iceman instead decides to chill out and let them make fools of themselves. Our first villain is the X-Men's most famous, Magneto! Here he is much more cartoon villain than the more interesting and nuanced character we will one day get, but he does the job. Take over a US missile base, terrorize people, X-Men show up beat him down. Also, man, kind of fucked up that Prof X would send out Jean on the first day she shows up for class when she didn't even know what the school was FOR before she got there. Also kind of fucked up that Prof X just gives her a code name without even getting any input. Prof X is kind of an asshat, though I think we are supposed to see him as a wise mentor figure... Ok, further comics will get no where near this much writing unless I really feel a need to go into something...

Extra Notes: They keep calling Jean's power Teleportation instead of Telekinesis. It just bugs me, even though I know technically it is correct nomenclature until fiction made it mean something else in our minds.

Uncanny X-Men #2
The X-Men take on the Vanisher. I regularly forget this villain exists. Same early x-formula. Danger Room sessions, boom problem: Vanisher, who can teleport (the instantaneous travel type, not the moving things with your mind type), threatens to steal the US's defense plan. Our heroes try to stop him, get laughed out of the building, and then Prof X comes with them in the end and pretty much just erases Vanisher's mind to win. Again, Prof X is kind of an asshole. Especially because the first thing he makes him forget is how to teleport... he didn't need to erase his entire memory of who the hell he was.

Extra Notes: Xavier has connections with the government. At this point the public likes the X-Men, but when Vanisher makes a fool of them, the fickle public immediately starts calling them dogshit.

Uncanny X-Men #3
The X-Men take on the Blob. This one cracks me up. Early X-Formula, they are doing something that demonstrates their power, boom, suddenly something they must handle. A new mutant has been detected! They go out to find the mutant and find Blob at a circus. They invite him back to the X-Mansion to get him to join. Surprise: He's a giant asshole and says no. But then Xavier tells them all to capture him to erase his memory of the X-Men. Guys. This is straight up villainy. You could have talked to him anywhere else. No harm no foul. He escapes and then takes charge of the circus to attack the mansion (crazy that all these dudes were just up for attacking a superhero team). Anyway, big fight ensues. In the end after the team holds them off, Xavier use some tech gizmo to power up his thoughts and erase all their memories of why they are there, and also who the X-Men are. He even erases Blob's memory of being a mutant.

Extra Notes: This comic is the first to REALLY lean into personalities. Iceman has always been the childish one, but Cyclops first starts his "Woe is me, my eyes are a danger to everyone", Beast gets into his "I'm a big beast but also a big Brain", Angel gets his "I'm a harasser of women" and Jean Grey gets to be a girl. Also, Xavier gets to add to his "my god this man shouldn't be in charge of a high school" list of problematic behaviors by thinking about how he can't confess his love to Jean Grey because of being the leader of the X-Men and being in a Wheelchair... I would think it was because she was you know, a minor and you are like, in your 30s and her teacher, but go off I guess.

Tales of Suspense #49
Crossover comic! Angel gets exposed to radiation that makes him a giant asshole, and he gets into a fight with the team and leaves to join the evil mutants. They call the Avengers to stop him (bruh why would you not deal with this in house????) and Iron-man responds. Iron-man figures things out and pretends sacrifices himself so Angel will snap out of it and save him. Yay, the end.

Extra Notes: My god the only thing I can think of through reading this is that Tony's eyes should never be visible in the Iron Man suit. it is genuinely upsetting.

to be continued...

 

[PolarBlues]

Good luck with that! Sounds pretty crazy but I am sure even if it doesn't pan out you'll get a lot of joy from this project.

First of all, oh let me tell you about 60s comic writing. I would call it overly verbose and well, too on the nose. I like it for what it is, but I will tell you that nothing takes longer than reading a comic where all the characters narrate every single thing they are doing in detail.

True but that was common of the style of many TV series of the era too. It's a style of dialogue designed to explain the story to the reader/viewer rather than real people talking to each other. Hell, a lot TV series, especially procedurals and soaps, still do that.

Prof X is kind of an asshat

He is, isn't he? Occasionally he shows off his finer qualities and deep compasion, but this default mode is insufferable know-it-all.

X-Men #2: The X-Men take on the Vanisher. I regularly forget this villain exists.

Everybody forgets about him. That's his superpower. He is the Vanisher.

 

[Fenris-77]

Yup, you're fucking crazypants. I'll follow this thread with interest.

 

[David Johansen]

There's a pretty epic Where I read X-men thread on rpg.net but I think he only started at 99 and took a year long break from it which only ended recently.

 

[EmperorNorton]

True but that was common of the style of many TV series of the era too. It's a style of dialogue designed to explain the story to the reader/viewer rather than real people talking to each other. Hell, a lot TV series, especially procedurals and soaps, still do that.

Yeah, like I said. It works for what it is and how it was meant to be consumed. It was definitely not meant to be consumed the way I'm doing it.

He is, isn't he? Occasionally he shows off his finer qualities and deep compasion, but this default mode is insufferable know-it-all.

I think it is really funny because in the original 60s comics, I get the feeling the intention is supposed to be that he isn't... but that later writers just go back and go "wow, he was kind of a twat, huh?" and played that up. It makes him a way more interesting character though.

Also, I actually read more last night before I went to sleep. Gonna write them up in a bit when I get done with some pressing work this morning... that I'm currently ignoring by writing this post.

 

[Tommy Brownell]

Thoughts and prayers

 

[EmperorNorton]

Uncanny X-Men #4
Magneto is back, and this time he has help. The introduction of the Brotherhood of Evil Mutants. This version is Toad, Mastermind, Quicksilver, and Scarlet Witch. Toad is a toady, Mastermind has the same energy as Starscream, but is also really creepy towards Scarlet Witch. Quicksilver's entire personality is "Keep Wanda safe, and maybe don't mass murder". Lots of infighting. They take over a country using illusions of an army . X-Men go to fight them, shenanigans, they win but a bomb injures Xavier and he loses his powers. Quicksilver disables a nuke before it goes off, to save the country because he isn't comically evil, just protecting Wanda who seems to be incapable of accepting that just because Magneto saved her from a mob, doesn't mean that she has to obey him.

Extra Notes: At the time, Magneto didn't have his more modern interpretation of being a Holocaust survivor, but in retrospect, his illusory Army looking like Nazis REALLY should have tipped him off on him becoming the thing he hates.

Uncanny X-Men #5
Magneto lures the X-Men out in the dumbest way possible: a rubber mask on Toad so he can pretend to be a mutant track and field star, who the X-Men try to rescue from a mob. They sniff it out, but it is too late, Magneto captures Angel and takes him to their base Asteroid M (My man you can build a space station on a whim, do you really need to also rule humans to make mutants safe?). As they torture him, the X-Men follow Toad back to a magnetic ship, get to Asteroid M, save Angel, blow up a lot of the place... and again we have the "Wanda and Quicksilver aren't REALLY evil, Wanda just has a stupid concept of owing Magneto for not letting her get burned at the stake" for a bit. Oh also, surprise ending: Xavier had his powers the whole time! It was all a test. A very dangerous test in which one of his students was kidnapped by a terrorist organization and tortured and he lifted no finger to try to help. Wow, what a good teacher!

Extra Notes: This is an ongoing thing with Xavier, in which he fails to tell people critical information, or hides information on purpose for dumb as fuck reasons.

Strange Tales #120
Another crossover. This time Iceman and Human Torch. A fun crossover based on their powers and also their personalities tbh. Human Torch reads about Iceman in the paper and is annoyed that anyone is getting attention other than him. He heads out on a date on a river boat thing. Iceman is annoyed about how all the other X-Men have more game than him, so decides to go on a river boat thing to scope out women. The boat is attacked by some dude named Captain Barracuda and his squad of pirates. Iceman and Human Torch team up to save the day.

Extra Notes: Iceman, you have no reason to be jealous of the other X-Men's game. All of them are bad at this.

Uncanny X-Men #6
Xavier and Magneto each independently decide that Namor is a mutant based on... well pretty much nothing tbh. They each go out mentally to find him (Wait, why can Magneto do this exactly? This was in the days of comic superpowers just being able to do "whatever" tbh, but yeah). Magneto gets him to an Island, Namor refuses to listen to anything he says cause "I'M ROYALTY BITCH", and then Magneto decides the way to convince him is to throw Wanda at him... nah that isn't problematic at all. Anyway, X-Men arrive, it turns into a three way fight because Magneto can't stand anyone being "better" than him, and eventually Namor just leaves.

Extra Notes: Man the little wings on the ankles thing is super goofy. Also, did anyone else pronounce it like a submarine rather than like mariner until they heard it said out loud?

Uncanny X-Men #7
Xavier assigns Cyclops to lead the X-Men (good thing he is still in a wheelchair, or he might have started immediately making moves on Jean (see Uncanny X-Men #3 Extra Notes)), and goes off to deal with some mysterious danger that he of course doesn't bother to tell any of the others about. Magneto finds out about the Blob, he goes to recruit him, Blob resists, Magneto knocks him into something and he hits his head and remembers the X-Men are his enemy (because that is how amnesia works, right?). I'm guessing he didn't remember WHERE the X-Men lived cause instead of attacking them at home, Magneto lures them out with the Blob and they all attack. Magneto being Magneto ends up throwing a bunch of torpedos at them even though the Blob is still in there. They all hide behind the Blob who is unharmed. He goes "holy fuck I'm tired of this shit" and goes back to the circus.

Extra Notes: Introduction of Cerebro... which is called two different names in the comic. Also, BROODING Cyclops as he can't go out cause he has to sit at the desk and wait in case the machine lights up (surely Xavier could have... idk, made a remote alert for it).

Uncanny X-Men #8
Beast decides he is fed up with being an X-Man cause a mob attacked him for being a mutant after he saved a kid. He goes to leave and becomes a wrestler. He meets the villain Unus the Untouchable. Who is... Untouchable. Basically if he doesn't want you to touch him, you can't. Anyway, Unus is trying to join the Brotherhood, so the X-Men attack him and fail. Beast is building a machine though because he can't stop himself from being an X-Man. It is a machine that enhances Unus's power. The rest of the X-Men misunderstand because he is comically inept in explaining the plan. He runs away while being attacked, shoots Unus with the ray, and now Unus can't touch anything. Not even food. Beast tells him "ok, promise you will never turn evil and I'll fix you, but remember I can always turn you back that way!". Everyone forgives Beast, yay team.

Extra Notes: Cyclops talks to Xavier over mental stuff. Xavier is in like a tank wheelchair exploring caverns going after "some great danger". Of course he doesn't tell Cyclops what it is. Also, one of the first times we get the idea that Beast is not just like, "knows big words" smart, but that he is actually comic book genius smart. It's also the first time we really get the feeling of "that hate and fear us" about the public at large (I suppose also in #5 with Toad, but also they thought he was cheating at sports, and if there is one thing I know about Americans, is that we all hate people who cheat at sports).

To be continued...

 

[Tulpa Girl]

Following with interest. Hope you get further along than I did with the New Universe stuff.

And yeah, Xavier is a grade-A asshat.

 

[JAMUMU]

Fuck me, this is the sort of thread where the OP's going to need ether, acid, a salt-shaker full of cocaine and a whole heap of bats to get through.

I've always hated the X-Men. Got my first bundle of comics when I was like 4. Loved every one of them, except the X-Men. Drew all over it. Can't wait to follow along with this thread.

 

[Endless Flight]

Fuck me, this is the sort of thread where the OP's going to need ether, acid, a salt-shaker full of cocaine and a whole heap of bats to get through.

 

[PolarBlues]

The irony being some that 50 years later, Namor was recast as a mutant and does join the X-Men. Clearly Marvel had this planned all the way back from issue #6 and was just playing the long game.

Of course now Namor is Aztec.

 

[EmperorNorton]

Uncanny X-Men #9
The return of Professor X, as we finally find out why he decided he needed to fuck off with no explanation. He was tracking the guy who put him in a wheelchair... an idiot with a dumbass helmet called "Lucifer". He calls the X-Men to help him, Lucifer captures Xavier and has a giant bomb that will destroy the entirety of Antarctica. But oh no Lucifer has attached the bomb to his heart rate so Xavier can't kill him (He did bring a handgun to try to shoot him). And oh no, the Avengers are here too and we can't just EXPLAIN the problem, we have to fight them off so they don't hurt Lucifer. Finally Xavier knocks him unconscious with his mental powers, and tells Thor what happened. The fight stops and instead of helping the Avengers just decide to... Go home? This will be the beginning of a long relationship of friendship and trust between the X-Men and Avengers, and they will never, ever fight ever again. Anyway, Xavier keeps Lucifer unconscious while he guides Cyclops to shoot the fuse of the bomb with his eyebeams. Crisis averted! And then they just let Lucifer go because... they don't want to hurt a human? XAVIER YOU BROUGHT A GUN TO SHOOT HIM, HE ALMOST MURDERED A LARGE PORTION OF THE HUMAN RACE WHAT THE HELL!

Extra Notes: I really dislike Lucifer as a villain. He has always been dumb and his hat is dumb. I appreciate that later variations of X-Men have made Xavier's leg injuries the fault of Magneto and bringing Xavier's personal nemesis into the forefront rather than... Lucifer (it is even worse later when Lucifer's background is revealed later).

Uncanny X-Men #10
The first trip to the Savage Land! This is really kind of a throwaway story. They see Kazar on a news story, Xavier says he isn't a mutant, but they want to investigate anyway and Xavier is like "sure OK, why not". They end up in the Savage Land, fight some swamp dudes, Jean and Angel get captured, and Angel has to talk her through it cause she is panicking (of course she is the one written to panic). Kazar and the others team up and save them, the end.

Extra Notes: Have you noticed I always say Jean and not Marvel Girl? It is because Marvel Girl is a dumbass code name.

Uncanny X-Men #11
This one is so out of left field. Super powerful dude shows up calling himself the Stranger. Cerebro can't even read what he is. Magneto finds him first. And he is stupid powerful. X-Men and Brotherhood fight. Magneto and Toad escape with the Stranger. Wanda and Quicksilver FINALLY decide to fuck off from the Brotherhood. X-Men catch up with Stranger and it turns out he was a space alien interested in mutations so he just... kidnaps Magneto and Toad and fucks off from Earth saying they will never return. Oh and at the end suddenly Cerebro goes absolutely batshit.

Extra Notes: Just What. The. Fuck.

Uncanny X-Men #12-13
As the first 2 part comic story X-Men has done, I'm just going to smoosh these together. This is the introduction of Juggernaut, Xavier's stepbrother turned superpowered menace through... weird magic gem. The X-Men set up a ton of traps and barriers, and Xavier decides it is time to tell his entire life story when it comes to his stepbrother Cain. Wouldn't it be better to just you know, figure out how to stop him rather than explain who he is? The first comic ends with the backstory explained, then the second comic has them fighting for the entire comic as nothing stops... The Juggernaut. Throughout the fight they loosen his helmet and then with the arrival of the Human Torch, called by Xavier, they distract him long enough for Angel to get there and pull his helmet off, allowing Xavier to do the mental whammy. The comic ends with them all injured, and again one of the boys (Hank this time), hitting on Jean who managed to avoid being injured.

Extra Notes: Why does Juggernaut set off the mutant detector when he... isn't a mutant? Also, there is a clear reason that Jean isn't injured. Xavier is weird about never putting her in harms way, while he'll pretty much put any of the boys in front of a howitzer. Just look at her training in the danger room in each comic, she does things like thread needles with her mind and put a piece of wood through different shaped holes. While everyone else is dodging death traps. It's bad to feel like "having basic concern towards her safety and not putting her in direct danger unnecessarily" comes off as sexist when it is probably how a teacher should treat ALL their students... but yeah.

To be continued...

 

[Silverlion]

Uncanny X-Men #11
This one is so out of left field. Super powerful dude shows up calling himself the Stranger. Cerebro can't even read what he is. Magneto finds him first. And he is stupid powerful. X-Men and Brotherhood fight. Magneto and Toad escape with the Stranger. Wanda and Quicksilver FINALLY decide to fuck off from the Brotherhood. X-Men catch up with Stranger and it turns out he was a space alien interested in mutations so he just... kidnaps Magneto and Toad and fucks off from Earth saying they will never return. Oh and at the end suddenly Cerebro goes absolutely batshit.

Extra Notes: Just What. The. Fuck.


Extra Notes: Why does Juggernaut set off the mutant detector when he... isn't a mutant? Also, there is a clear reason that Jean isn't injured. Xavier is weird about never putting her in harms way, while he'll pretty much put any of the boys in front of a howitzer. Just look at her training in the danger room in each comic, she does things like thread needles with her mind and put a piece of wood through different shaped holes. While everyone else is dodging death traps. It's bad to feel like "having basic concern towards her safety and not putting her in direct danger unnecessarily" comes off as sexist when it is probably how a teacher should treat ALL their students... but yeah.

To be continued...

The Stranger is a psychic elder of the universe, so yeah a cosmic uberpower.

Juggarnaut's power comes from a magic crystal, but let's be honest magic is kind of hand-wavey at this point (so are mutants so..)

 

[EmperorNorton]

The Stranger is a psychic elder of the universe, so yeah a cosmic uberpower.

Yes, but this is the first appearance of the Stranger in all of comics before anything about him was actually really fleshed out. He's just introduced out of nowhere to kidnap Magneto and Toad. It is such a weird random thing.

 

[Ladybird]

First of all, oh let me tell you about 60s comic writing. I would call it overly verbose and well, too on the nose. I like it for what it is, but I will tell you that nothing takes longer than reading a comic where all the characters narrate every single thing they are doing in detail. Additionally, there is definitely a set "formula" during this era of X-Men. This isn't a bad thing for what it was meant to be, something that was read once a month/every two weeks, for kids, and not expected for most people to read every single one... that said, as an adult, reading now, and reading it all back to back to back... it can be a bit much. This beginning I know will be a hard part for me. But I suffer for my completionism.

I spent a while working my way through 60's/70's-era Iron Man comics and they were... rough, for pretty much the same sorts of reason; there's also the same sort of formula (Someone is up to no good, Pepper tells Tony about it, Tony mopes for a bit about Pepper not fancying him due to his iron chestplate, Tony flies to the villain and defeats them with the power of transistors, everyone goes home).

I definitely agree on them not being designed or intended to be read in this context; they're fairly expendable things that you could just pick up (Pretty much everything you needed to know was explained in the narration), enjoy a quick fantastic adventure story, and pick up another when you come back.

 

[EmperorNorton]

So I'm going to continue to post my comic descriptions in this thread as well, but as this is going to be a long ass project, and also I wanted to show other people other than those on the forums here, I threw together a quick blog for it so I can share it a bit wider.

I have 5 more comics for today that I'll post before I go to bed, but doing some final touches on making the blog look a bit better first.

 

[EmperorNorton]

Uncanny X-Men #14-16
This storyline is one I think really starts to make X-Men feel like X-Men. The introduction of the Sentinels and Master Mold. Before this the whole "a world that fears and hates them" was very background. They pretty much were just fighting other mutants. Introducing the Sentinels brings in that third major faction that has always been the hallmark of the franchise: All the bigoted humans. Anyway. Boliver Trask tells people that Mutants Bad and newspapers eat it up. Xavier decides to debate him on live television, and Trask pretty much says "it doesn't matter if you beat me in the debate, I have THESE" and pulls out Sentinels. Except immediately the Sentinels decide that humans are incapable of governing themselves and to protect them from the mutant menace they need to rule over them. A bunch of stuff happens. Heroes captured, Xavier saving the day with a Helicopter with a crystal hanging off of it, but in the end to stop the Sentinels from conquering everything Trask sacrifices himself to destroy Master Mold and end the threat.

Extra Notes: The original Sentinels are much shorter than the ones everyone remembers (mostly from the cartoon). Also they are... hilariously dumb in selective ways. "Oh there are more enemies in the base, I don't have orders for what to do. Come with me so I can find my leader to ask him what to do!" Also, can't say I can completely argue with the "humans are too incompetent to rule themselves" assessment to be honest.

Uncanny X-Men #17-18
We follow up a really good story with the Sentinels with one that is honestly... really not that great. Magneto has returned! It explains how he escaped the Stranger, but honestly, who cares that much? And he has decided he is a strong independent super-villain who don't need no henchman. As the X-Men recover from their wounds, Magneto ambushes them one by one as they return to the mansion. He then puts them all in a gondola off a balloon to go up and up until they can no longer breath because, sure why not. Except Iceman who was still in a coma at the hospital while completely iced up. Also Angel's parents show up at the mansion and then Magneto uses Magnet Magic to hypnotize them into going to bed, and builds a machine to build ready to order mutant slaves from their dna as they have a mutant son. Sure, I guess that makes sense? Anyway, Iceman gets there, stops the machine, battles Magneto one on one while everyone else escapes the gondola and just as Magneto gloats that he can beat them all, The Stranger arrives, having been told of Magneto's escape by Xavier's mind powers. Then Magneto freaks out and takes off.

Extra Notes: Seriously just didn't feel this one. It just felt too silly after such a good storyline with the Sentinels. The whole instantaneously building a machine to make mutant slaves from nothing, Magneto putting them in a silly death trap. The fact that there was only 2 storylines between "Magneto is gone forever" and "Wow, there's Magneto again". Just meh.

 

[JAMUMU]

Have you read All of the Marvels by Douglas Wolk? He did this with all of Marvel's content from the pre-supers horror/monster books all the way through to the new Ms Marvel, and does a great job of building a through-narrative. It's also very clear that with the early material there's really no intent to form a coherent "universe" the way we think of it from this end. There was no guarantee you'd be reading them sequentially (this was rare) and so each story was designed to be self-contained. There's a chapter on the X-Men, but nothing like the hilarious detail you're going into here. Definitely worth a read if you're interested in the development of what we think of as the "Marvel Universe", which actually came much later.

 

[James Gillen]

Uncanny X-Men #1
This one gets the introduction of Jean Grey in the middle of it as well, and boy... let's just say it was a different time. 3 of our 4 heroes (Cyclops, Beast, Angel) fall all over themselves trying to hit on her in very awkwardly aggressive ways that... are not very charming. Iceman instead decides to chill out and let them make fools of themselves.

Note: This was decades before anybody decided Iceman was gay.

Prof X is kind of an asshat, though I think we are supposed to see him as a wise mentor figure... Ok, further comics will get no where near this much writing unless I really feel a need to go into something...

Professor X being an asshat, like Reed Richards being an asshat, was started inadvertently by Lee who thought that's how a wise mentor figure was supposed to be. Later of course other writers leaned into it on purpose.

Extra Notes: They keep calling Jean's power Teleportation instead of Telekinesis. It just bugs me, even though I know technically it is correct nomenclature until fiction made it mean something else in our minds.

Well, it's technically "teleportation" in that you're using a "telepathy" (psychic) type power to "port" something from one location to another.
Greek is a funny language, especially when it's used by Americans who don't speak it.

Uncanny X-Men #2
The X-Men take on the Vanisher. I regularly forget this villain exists.

That's why he's ... The Vanisher.

Uncanny X-Men #3
The X-Men take on the Blob. This one cracks me up. Early X-Formula, they are doing something that demonstrates their power, boom, suddenly something they must handle. A new mutant has been detected! They go out to find the mutant and find Blob at a circus. They invite him back to the X-Mansion to get him to join. Surprise: He's a giant asshole and says no. But then Xavier tells them all to capture him to erase his memory of the X-Men. Guys. This is straight up villainy. You could have talked to him anywhere else. No harm no foul. He escapes and then takes charge of the circus to attack the mansion (crazy that all these dudes were just up for attacking a superhero team). Anyway, big fight ensues. In the end after the team holds them off, Xavier use some tech gizmo to power up his thoughts and erase all their memories of why they are there, and also who the X-Men are. He even erases Blob's memory of being a mutant.

Extra Notes: This comic is the first to REALLY lean into personalities. Iceman has always been the childish one, but Cyclops first starts his "Woe is me, my eyes are a danger to everyone", Beast gets into his "I'm a big beast but also a big Brain", Angel gets his "I'm a harasser of women" and Jean Grey gets to be a girl. Also, Xavier gets to add to his "my god this man shouldn't be in charge of a high school" list of problematic behaviors by thinking about how he can't confess his love to Jean Grey because of being the leader of the X-Men and being in a Wheelchair... I would think it was because she was you know, a minor and you are like, in your 30s and her teacher, but go off I guess.

See above on Xavier.

Tales of Suspense #49
Crossover comic! Angel gets exposed to radiation that makes him a giant asshole, and he gets into a fight with the team and leaves to join the evil mutants. They call the Avengers to stop him (bruh why would you not deal with this in house????) and Iron-man responds. Iron-man figures things out and pretends sacrifices himself so Angel will snap out of it and save him. Yay, the end.

Extra Notes: My god the only thing I can think of through reading this is that Tony's eyes should never be visible in the Iron Man suit. it is genuinely upsetting.

to be continued...

One thing I noticed right off about really early X-Men and some of the titles where Iron Man appeared: They really gave Kirby the B-grade inkers.

JG

 

[EmperorNorton]

Uncanny X-Men #19
We get a new villain this time, the Mimic. This is a decent standalone story. While taking a break from their studies/training, various X-Men in civilian personalities run into Calvin Rankin, a man that, due to some weird science accident stuff, can mimic the abilities of others. This applies to knowledge, skills, and even mutant powers. He figures out who the X-Men are since he acquired the powers when near them, follows them back to their base, says he wants to join them, then throws on a ridiculous costume to fight them, because he is a massive jerk. He kidnaps Jean and lures them to a mine where there was a machine his father had made before he died that was buried. He assumed it was to make his powers permanent so his acquired shit wouldn't fade. Xavier realized it actually just removed his powers altogether so let him use it on himself. The X-Men win.

Extra Notes: Where exactly did he get the special sunglasses to hold in the optic blasts? (I suppose technically it may be that he doesn't need them and they are just normal sunglasses, as it has been stated that Cyclops's problem is entirely psychosomatic, but at the time that wasn't the case).

Uncanny X-Men #20-21
The return of Lucifer, and man, am I glad this is the last we see of him in X-Men (at least if memory serves me right, I think he does appear in some other comics, but never as an X-Villain again). In the first comic he uses a machine to give suggestions to Unus and Blob to dress up as X-Men and commit some crimes. Of course the public believes that it is the X-Men because you know, mutants bad and all. Xavier then manages to figure out it is all the work of Lucifer but gets psychically paralyzed by a machine of Lucifers before he can do anything. He psychically communicates with Jean, and he decides to explain how he encountered Lucifer in the past and injured his legs and how Lucifer is actually a SPACE ALIEN (yes. I know). Anyway they invade his base where he is putting together Dominus, a machine that can enslave entire planets controlled by robots. The X-Men get captured, then escape, then Xavier does his usual "I HAVE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN" to say don't damage the machine that will enslave everyone. Warren decides to ignore it cause it could be a trick, Cyclops stops him, and then we find out when the robots attack them and miss, hitting Dominus, that the machine destroys anything that attacks it. All the robots get destroyed, the machine is useless, and then Lucifer's alien overlord sends him to a dimension where time and space do not exist as a punishment. The end.

Extra Notes: You know this could have all been avoided if Xavier hadn't just let him walk away last time. Also, this was the hardest two comics to get through so far. I put my tablet down so many times trying to get through them. I am so glad the idea of "This space alien I randomly met in the past is my true arch-nemesis" thing got abandoned for Xavier.

 

[E-Rocker]

When I first got Marvel Unlimited a few years ago, I thought it would be fun to read the X-Men comics from the beginning. I gave up somewhere prior to issue 10 because they were just so bad. EmperorNorton , you are a better man than I.

 

[EmperorNorton]

When I first got Marvel Unlimited a few years ago, I thought it would be fun to read the X-Men comics from the beginning. I gave up somewhere prior to issue 10 because they were just so bad. EmperorNorton , you are a better man than I.

Nah, just crazier. I mean this is also probably the third time I've read through the original run. It gets better once you get to the Giant Sized X-Men #1 reboot. Also there are a few that are fun in a quaint sort of way. I'll admit that it also makes it more fun knowing I get to crack a few jokes about them when I'm done with each one.

That said, the Lucifer ones were still REALLY hard. Especially cause I think #21 may have had the most unnecessary words per page of any so far.

 

[EmperorNorton]

X-Men #22-23
Once again, Xavier tries to let the X-Men take a break for a couple of weeks, and once again, something goes wrong. Honestly just feel bad for them at this point. In this two parter, the gang goes against Count Nefaria and a collection of supervillain henchman. Nefaria has a plan: Surround Washington, DC with an impenetrable dome then threaten to suck all the oxygen out of the air if he doesn't get $100 million! And he's going to have the X-Men do it. In the first comic he lures them individually to central park using illusions of themselves and has his henchmen capture them. Then he threatens to kill the whole city if they don't make the exchange and claim credit. Xavier has them follow along, they get the money, fight the military, the henchmen betray Nefaria, but the X-Men beat them all. Jean delivers the money to Nefaria, but then a mysterious man walks in and destroys the machine making the bubble. Nefaria escapes, but without the money cause the mysterious man replaced it with an illusion. Also, he called the coast guard to catch him. The mysterious man turns out to be Xavier using some special mechanical braces he had been working on to allow him to walk (LOOK OUT JEAN, HE'S OUT OF THE WHEELCHAIR!). But maybe Jean's safe cause she also states at the end that she got a letter and now she has to leave the X-Men forever...

Extra Notes: Man I have never seen such an obscure collection of d-grade supervillain henchmen. I had literally only heard of one of them and that was cause he was in the She-Hulk show put in the therapy group of "obscure villains no on has heard of". Seriously: Unicorn, Eel, Plantman, Porcupine, and Scarecrow. I didn't even know Marvel HAD a Scarecrow. Nefaria really needs to stop shopping in the bargain bin.

To be continued...

 

[EmperorNorton]

Uncanny X-Men #24
When we left off last time, Jean had just announced she was going to have to leave forever. This is because her parents decided that since she had graduated, it was weird that she never left the school, and that she should probably go to college. She is enrolling at Metro College. Scott and Warren drop her off at her new school (with much angst), and go on their way. On to our villain! A dude who has named himself the Locust has decided to make big bugs to eat crops and terrorize upstate NY. The X-Men go out to stop the Locust, he escapes. Coincidentally, Jean, while eating with a fellow student at Metro, sees a bunch of students making fun of an ex-professor named August Hopper who had crazy ideas about bugs. Wonder if this is related. Jean comes back for the weekend, and tells Xavier about Hopper. They discover he wants to make big bugs to prove that they could happen so he could save the world with his pesticides. Xavier uses his new legs to try to pretend to be a hermit to tell him the evils of his ways. It doesn't really work. They then save him from his own bugs, he throws away his machines and turns himself in.

Extra Notes: Xavier acting like a wise old hermit from another age to try to convince him to stop is so bizarre and disconnected from anything. I feel like he just wanted to use his mechanolegs.

To be continued...

 

[EmperorNorton]

Ok, time for a little break for me to go into a bit of a deeper dive into something so incredibly stupid and unnecessary, but I took the time to figure this out myself, so now I have to inflict it on all of you. How far is it from Xavier's School for Gifted Youngsters to Metro College?

In our latest issue, Uncanny X-Men #24, Jean Grey is leaving Xavier's school to go to college at Metro. Upon learning this, Jean and Scott straight up angst out of their goddamn minds. Seriously, it is like they will never see each other ever again.

​

But they clearly just dropped her off by car. It can't be that far right? But hey, maybe it was a longer drive than depicted. Maybe they drove all day and this is some serious distance. So in the middle of reading, I put my tablet down to do some investigation.

First of all, Xavier's School for Gifted Youngsters is in the fictional Salem Center, New York, which is supposed to be in Westchester County. As there is no Salem Center, we can't get an exact location, but from various places I've looked, the best guess is it is in North Salem. As this is a pretty logical guess, I'm going to go with that.

Next, we have to locate Metro College. It's mentioned as where the Human Torch goes to college, so I assumed it had to be in or near New York, as he can't Fantastic any Fours if he isn't near the Baxter Building with the rest of the team. A quick google tells me that the fictional college is in New Jersey.

Ok New Jersey is too large an area to figure out how far of a drive this is. Human Torch could fly, so who knows how fast he could get from say, Cape May to Manhattan. It could be anywhere in the state. So I had to do some more digging. I looked up every appearance of Metro College in comics and in it's first appearance in Fantastic Four #50 I found this gem:

​

That gives a much more exact location, though not EXACT EXACT. Just across the river from Manhattan. That puts it somewhere between say Edgewater and Jersey City. Let's say Jersey City for worst case scenario.

Google Maps puts a drive between North Salem, New York and Jersey City, New Jersey at somewhere around an hour and 20 minutes.

"But Mr. Norton," I hear you ask, "What about in the 1960s when this was written, could it have been a longer drive then?" Well first of all, Mr. Norton was my father, I'm Emperor. But also, I'd thought of that as well.

I looked at old maps and found that one of the routes primarily used I-684, which hadn't even been started until 1968. BUT, one of the alternate routes that took about the same amount of time used Saw Mill River Parkway for the majority of the drive. I opened a map of Westchester County form 1950 and jackpot:

​

There it is. I will admit that there is still a little bit of a few places that were on roads that don't exist yet, but nothing major. A few miles here and there. At most it would be like a 2 hour drive. Hardly anything worth pretending like it is the end of everything. (Especially considering the girls that Hank and Bobby are currently dating live in Manhattan, which is right next door).

Happy with discovering that I was correct that they were overreacting, I decided to pick the comic back up again and finish reading it. And lo and behold...

​

Are you kidding me. You are not even 10 pages from angsting like you would never see each other again and you literally just show up for the weekend?! What was the point?! Why did I go through the trouble of learning all of this?! What were you going to do after you travelled 2 hours if they said you couldn't come in?!

Why do I do this to myself?

 

[PolarBlues]

X-Men #22-23

Extra Notes: Man I have never seen such an obscure collection of d-grade supervillain henchmen. I had literally only heard of one of them and that was cause he was in the She-Hulk show put in the therapy group of "obscure villains no on has heard of". Seriously: Unicorn, Eel, Plantman, Porcupine, and Scarecrow.

To be continued...

Unicorn, Eel, Plantman, Porcupine are totally legit. Any superhero universe needs a tier of goon-level supervillains like these. Some eventually find their distinctive voice and a history of their own (did you know Princess Python was married to the late Stit-Man? Aren't these the sort of details that make the MU so appealing?). There is a fun Defender's story arc in which precicely Eel and Porcupine join a Scientology-like church run by an alien and for a while they are become really quite effective.

 

[carpocratian]

But they clearly just dropped her off by car. It can't be that far right? But hey, maybe it was a longer drive than depicted. Maybe they drove all day and this is some serious distance. So in the middle of reading, I put my tablet down to do some investigation.

As a research fanatic (ultimately my biggest hobby), I commend you for your efforts!

 

[EmperorNorton]

I spent all day taking my mom to doctor's appointments so spent a lot of time in waiting rooms. Gonna catch my breath then I have several comic posts to make from all my waiting time.

 

[EmperorNorton]

Uncanny X-Men #25-26
Our enemy is El Tigre. Who is El Tigre? Just some random generically "Mexico/Central/South American" villain whose entire thing is finding ancient artifacts to sell for money. He finds half of an amulet that gives him superpowers, and draws him to the other half that is in a NYC museum. X-Men fight him, he escapes with the other half that also turns him into a god (Kukulkan, a Mayan god that was of course badly adapted into this story). They then research the amulet with the help of some books that Jean borrows from the Metro College library, and they head off to generic Central/South American country and win through cutting off his power source. Oh, there is also a subplot of Cyclops is going to confess his love to Jean finally, but then he accidentally hits Angel with an optic blast and injures him badly, and Angel accuses him of doing it because they were in competition for Jean before passing the fuck out from the injuries. We'll see how that revolves soon.

Extra Notes: Guys. We need some mutant enemies. Or some of those "world that hates and fears them" enemies. This has been 8 issues in a row where the villains were just generic things that any superhero would fight. I get it. This is early X-Men. This is kind of before they really solidified what X-Men means. And truth be told, they were just trying to write something exciting every week. And yes, I know even at the height of X-Men, the eras I really LIKE they fight a lot of other stuff, but even during those eras the "evil" mutants and bigoted humans were always there in the backdrop. But this just lacks all the magic. God please let there be a good "X-Men-y" villain soon.

 

[EmperorNorton]

I've got a few more read, but my brain is putty today. I'm going to read some more as I'm going to bed, and tomorrow will probably be a ton all at once.

 

[Tulpa Girl]

Outside of Magneto and the Brotherhood, X-Men seemed to be the book where Stan Lee dumped the villains that he thought weren't good enough for the other Marvel books.

 

[Voros]

When I was a teen I read all of Classic X-Men and remember the really early issues vaguely. I found them charming, although I wouldn't have used that term then, but much preferred the reprints of Spiderman with their striking Ditko art.

It was the reboot when things started cooking as I recall. Although I retain my love of the early line-up as X-Factor was the series that got me really into comics as a kid, with its striking Walt Simonson artwork and Louise Simonson's underrated writing (her work on Power Pack with the terrific June Brigman is even better though).

 

[David Johansen]

I've got the old black and white Marvel Essentials of these so I've read them before. Believe it or not, they're way better than the Legion of Superheroes one.

 

[PolarBlues]

When I was a teen I read all of Classic X-Men and remember the really early issues vaguely. I found them charming, although I wouldn't have used that term then, but much preferred the reprints of Spiderman with their striking Ditko art.

Mos of the early Marvel was pretty rough and littered with wierd, one-off inconsistencies. It took the Fantastic Four about 30 issues before it really hit its stride, buth when it did, it changed comic books forever.

From what I remember of the reprints, Spider-Man might be the exception as I think hit the ground running.

 

[EmperorNorton]

From what I remember of the reprints, Spider-Man might be the exception as I think hit the ground running.

Having read a lot of old classic 60s Marvel, Spider-Man was one of the few that really solidified what it WAS very early. It still had some of the issues of you know, reading 60s comics in binge format, which was never the intention of how it was written, but it didn't have the slow start that others did.

 

[EmperorNorton]

Fantastic Four #28
Chronology Note: This one should have been placed quite a bit earlier. It clearly isn't in the right spot here, as Angel isn't injured, It released between X-Men #5 and #6 in April of 1964. It definitely goes after Strange Tales #120, as it mentions Human Torch meeting Iceman, so it probably should have been right after Strange Tales #120. Anyway, the person who made the chronological order I'm following put it here, so I guess this is where it will go.

In this issue of Fantastic Four, they team up with the X-Men... well eventually. The FF villains Thinker and Puppet Master work together to try to defeat the FF by using the X-Men. Thinker has "deduced" what the X-Men's secret leader must look like (Yeaaaah, I don't care how smart you are that doesn't work), so that Puppet Master can make a puppet to manipulate Xavier. Xavier commands the X-Men to attack the FF and refuses to elaborate, and the X-Men just... go do that. Idk, man, I'd need more explanation than "cause I said so" but I guess I'm just a young'n with no respect for authority. X-Men win, kidnap Sue (of course they kidnap Sue) and lure the FF to another location. They then win the fight there due to Thinkers traps, the true villains reveal themselves, Puppet Master uses Xavier's powers to try to incapacitate the X-Men, Beast resists, breaks the puppet, and the FF and X-Men team up to fight a big robot that Thinker had stolen from Mister Fantastic while the supervillain pair escape. They win when Xavier psybolts the robot. Which of course makes sense, cause back then Xavier's powers could do whatever they needed (even though he directly had problems with robots in previous comics). Apologies all around and everyone is friends. Reed speculates that the mysterious leader of the X-Men must be super powerful.

Extra Notes: I actually liked this one more than the recent X-Comics I've read. It feels less like a throwaway and because it is an FF comic, I don't mind that the villains aren't your standard X-Villains. Overall the plotting is pretty decent, though it is silly that all the X-Men are just cool with attacking an established superteam just cause Xavier tells them to.

Uncanny X-Men #27
Technically this comic is started in media res, but I'm going to summarize in chronological order. With Angel hurt, and immediately apologizing to Cyclops saying he was just delirious and that injuring him was clearly an accident (yep, that was really how they resolved it), Xavier decides he needs to bolster the strength of the X-Men in anticipation of some unknown power that he suspects is coming, and of course doesn't bother to communicate with the team, because of course not. He tries a few different people (Wanda/Quicksilver/Human Torch) but none are available. Then when picking up Jean from college, they run into the Mimic, who due to an accident in the college lab, has regained his powers and memory. So he decides he's going to join the X-Men. And because Cyclops wants to step down as team leader after accidentally blasting Angel, Xavier decides, why not just give it to Mimic? Anyway. Puppet Master returns, attempting to take over Xavier, failing, and then taking over Mimic instead. The X-Men pretend to lose to Mimic, they hunt down Puppet Master, fight a robot, beat it, Puppet Master is about to use Mimic to beat the X-Men, but an injured Angel jumps in takes the puppet, and breaks Mimic free.

Extra Notes: This one is better than the last few Uncanny X-Men comics. Probably cause I'm a sucker for continuity, and this one draws on multiple things, from the FF comic (which as stated should have been back about a year or two in reading order), to Cal Rankin returning as the Mimic. That said, Mimic joining the team after just being a giant asshat is weird. Also Mimic being the new field leader makes zero sense.

 

[Chaotic Wooster]

I do love the early X-Men, almost entirely because it existed purely for the sake of having another Marvel book on the shelves even though no-one had any good ideas for what it was going to be.

The brainstorming session was essentially:

Identity: "Teenagers."
Orgin: "Mutant."
Villains: "Other Mutants."

And it's all nonsense. And hilarious.

I fully appreciate, and enjoy, when the X-Men got "better" as time went on. The characters evolved, the continuity became crazy, it tied in with real world bigotry, etc. But the '60's X-Men is just such wonderful insanity. Nothing makes sense, almost every character looks rediculous, talks like a maniac on drugs and has the weirdest/stupidest powers.

Most silver age comics had overly-verbose and dscriptive dialogue, wacky villains with odd powers, hilariously misplaced angst and so on. But none had quite so much as the early X-Men, and for that I love it dearly.

I actually find these early issues far more fun to read than most modern issues. It feels like most issues were pulled together last minute by creators too tired after doing a full story for Fantastic Four, Thor, Ant-Man, etc. And just went "Villain is... a fat guy... at a circus. Let's go get a beer."

 

[EmperorNorton]

And just went "Villain is... a fat guy... at a circus. Let's go get a beer."

Yet strangely, fat guy at a circus is one of the villains that actually worked out in the long term

 

[carpocratian]

One thing I like about the earlier X-Men comics is the original non-furry version of the Beast. The blue-furred version that came later was okay, but I really dislike the feline-ish one they ended up with.