Totally Random Thread of Random Charts

TristramEvans

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In my tour of RPG blogs I often come across nifty and unique charts, and figured we could use a thread to highlight some of them, for interest or inspiration.

To start off, here is Box Full of Boxes' Bounty Hunter Target Generators


d8
How much is the bounty worth?
1
A pittance, barely worth getting on the trail for.​
2-3
Enough to be worth one's time, but also enough to bring a rival onto the scene.​
4-5
A tidy amount, enough to finance months of decent living. There are probably two or three other hunters looking to find them as well​
6-7
A huge score. While not enough to retire, it would be a massive boon. There will be quite a lot of competitors, perhaps five or six.​
8
A king's ransom, probably financed by an organization, rather than an individual. A dozen or more rivals will undoubtedly be after it as well.​

d8
What did the fugitive do?
1
Murder.​
2
Theft.​
3
Heresy.​
4
Oath-breaking.​
5
Sedition.​
6
Smuggling.​
7
Kidnapping.​
8
Roll twice, ignoring this result if it comes up again. The fugitive committed a combination of these crimes.​

d8
Where are they hiding or running to?
1
They're desperate; choose a cardinal direction, that's the direction they're fleeing to.​
2
A member of their family, or a close friend.​
3
They are taking their chances with the wilderness, and are hiding in the woods, a cave, or another isolated location.​
4
The house of a noble or other powerful person.​
5
They've taken up with a group of criminals, whether that be an organized crime syndicate, or a group of bandits.​
6
A religious organization, claiming sanctuary.​
7
They have taken on another identity or are living in disguise.​
8
They aren't fleeing; they intend to kill their pursuers.​

d8
What's special about the fugitive?
1
They are an important member of their community. They may have many potential allies.​
2
They are a spellcaster of some sort.​
3
They're innocent of the crimes they have been accused of.​
4
They are extremely wealthy. They have more than enough money for bribes.​
5
They are an extremely skilled warrior.​
6
They have the favor of an eldritch creature, a minor deity, or even an outsider or fiend.​
7
They are a member of a rival government or community. Killing or capturing them may have far-reaching consequences.​
8
They have either a magical or technological item or some other form of enhancement that gives them an unexpected advantage.​
 

TristramEvans

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WTF are those goblins doing?


1-21 Actually being sort of competent.*
22-26 Abusin' something.*
27-31 Foragin'*
22-36 Cookin'.*
37-41 Eatin'.*
41-46 Sleepin'.*
47-48 Trying to teach a rat tricks.*
49-50 Rat-on-a-stick fight.*
51-52 Playing kiss-the-rat.*
53-54 Dicing over recent loot. Triple treasure on 'em.
55-56 Fuckin'.*
57-58 Combat training.*
59-60 Doing human impressions.*
61-62 Writin' some graffiti.
63-64 Bathroom break.*
65-66 Trying to learn insults in Common from another goblin.
67-68 Breakin' shit.*
69-70 Playing hide-and-seek.*
71-72 Fighting over a rat in a box.
73-74 Fighting over gold coins in a box.
75-76 Fighting over a magic item in a box.*
77-78 Fighting over a box.
79-80 Running away!*
81-82 In combat!*
83-84 Losing a fight!*
85-86 Funeral.*
87-88 Storytime/brag fest.
89-90 Gettin' drunk.*
91-92 Setting up camp.
93-94 Interrogating a prisoner.
95-96 Trying to open a trapped chest.*
97-98 Arguing about how to get past a trap elsewhere in the dungeon.*
99-100 Lootin'.*

21 Actually being sorta competent
[d2] 1-alert with defensible fortifications (tipped over tables, etc), 2-patrolling quietly with a thief-goblin scouting in front. Either way, only a 1-in-6 chance of being surprised.

26 Abusin' something

[d4] 1-rat, 2-dog, 3-prisoner, 4-smaller goblin.

31 Foragin'
[d4] 1-mushroom pickin', 2-cave fishin', 3-bug huntin', 4-just walking around chewing on stuff and complaining how hungry they are. If they aren't in an appropriate area, they're still carrying the right equipment as well as a bag with 1d6 ration-equivalents.

36 Cookin'
[d4] 1-pilfered sausages, 2-cow head, 3-mushrooms poisonous to non-goblins, 4-people.

41 Eatin'
[d6] 1-fish, 2-reeking mushrooms, 3-rats, 4-bugs, 5-people, 6-small rocks.

46 Sleepin'
[d4] 1:in a pile, 2:with an alert lookout, 3+:with a sleepy lookout.

48 Trying to teach a rat tricks
It's not going so well. But the rat is the prized possession of one of the goblins in the room. He's very protective.

50 Rat-on-a-stick fight
Tie a rat on the end of a stick. Use your rat-on-a-stick to fight another rat-on-a-stick. Or just to mess with your friends. Usually devolves into goblins beating each other with ratses-on-stickses. If engaged in combat, the rat on a stick has a 50% chance to give you rabies.

52 Playing kiss-the-rat
It's like spin the bottle, but with a rat instead of a bottle. Also, you kiss the rat instead of each other and all of your friends make fun of you because they're fuckhead goblins. Why do you hang out with these guys?

56 Fuckin'
Even before the PCs walk up to the door, they can see that there are goblin clothes in the hallway. If they listen at the door, 100% chance to hear goblin sex noises. Goblins are surprised 100% of the time (as long as the party busts in soon--goblin sex is known for its brevity). Goblins probably have no armor on, no pants, or pants around ankles. I could put a little roll here to see if they goblins are fucking a goat or each other or whatever, but I'm worried my mom might find this blog someday, and be worried that the longest paragraph is about goblin sex.

58 Combat training
[d4] 1: archery practice against a barrel, 2: melee practice against a barrel, 3:just beatin' the shit out of that barrel, 4:goblin duel atop a barrel. The barrel has an angry face drawn on it.

60 Doing human impressions
Where did they get the hat? Or the dress, for that matter? Maybe they belong to the prisoners on level 3. Either way, you are witness to an awful goblin pantomime of human behavior. Everything from "Oh no! Goblins! But I don't know how to fight!" to "Not the baby! Nooooooo!" to "Don't worry, our cities and laws will protect us!" It's goblin stand-up.

64 Bathroom break
[d4] 1-2: goblins pissing everywhere, 3: goblins shitting everywhere, 4: like that scene in Pulp Fiction where you see some weapons lying up against a wall, then you hear someone using the toilet around the corner (as the DM, you are required to make farty goblin noises), and then a goblin walks around the corner buckling up his pants. If the PCs don't react fast he'll freak out, run around the corner, and jump down the hole he just took a shit in.

68 Breakin' shit
Burning tapestries, throwing antique chairs down the stairs, playing catch with an expensive vase, eating ancient spellbooks, etc. If the PCs don't act fast, some valuable loot will be destroyed. And the goblin that ate the spellbook will start turning into a magma octopus.

70 Playing hide-and-seek
Yes, there are now goblins hiding all over the dungeon. Like, inside chests and shit.

76 Fighting over a magic item in a box
[d4] 1: cursed, 2-3:stupid (like a bag of endless manure), 4:surprisingly useful/powerful (where did they get it?)

80 Running away!
Look at 82 and 84 for inspiration, but consider the following: the party approaches a door that immediately bursts open. A bunch of panicked goblins run screeching past the party, fleeing for their lives. If the party runs, too, the goblins will probably try to trip them. Unless they're cornered, then they might help the PCs fight the thing. What are they running from? Pick the scariest thing on your random monster table.

82 In combat!
Pick whichever one is most appropriate: stompin' scorpions, grappling a elf dude and pulling his long hair, throwin' shit at a ghost and shrieking, throwin' shit at a (high hp) zombie with a bucket over its head.

84 Losing a fight!
Pick whichever one is most appropriate: getting wrapped up by giant spiders, swallowed by giant snakes, fighting the other evil humanoid group in the dungeon, being set on fire by demons, eaten by goblin zombies, fighting a single tremendously drunk dwarven berserker (only other dwarves can understand his drunk-Sean-Connery slurs).

86 Funeral
Prayers, fighting over the deceased's belonging, crying. 50% chance of cannibalism at the end.

90 Getting Drunk
1d4: 1:mushroom beer, 2:rancid goat-milk liquor, 3:hallucinogenic venoms, 4:really expensive wine.

96 Tryin to open a trapped chest
50% chance a dead goblin nearby gives you a clue to the trap.

98 Arguing about how to get past a trap elsewhere in the dungeon.
50% chance to overhear something useful.

100 Lootin'
Or at least prying shit off the wall. Bag of 1d8 torch sconces, 1d8 doorknobs/handles, and 1d20 pieces of garbage. No other loot.


 

Gabriel

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To begin, roll on chart A

Chart A (d6)
1-2 Roll on Chart B
3-4 Roll on Chart C
5-6 Roll on Chart D

Chart B (1d8)
1-3 Roll on Chart A
4-5 Roll on Chart C
6-7 Roll on Chart D
8 Roll on Chart F

Chart C (1/2d6)
1 = Roll on Chart A
2 = Roll on Chart D
3 = Roll on Chart F

Chart D (d100/3 round up + 27)
28 - 49 = Roll on Chart C
50 = Roll on Chart B

Chart F (1d4)
1 = Roll again on Chart (see Chart G)
2 = Roll twice again on Chart (see Chart G)
3 = Roll three times again on Chart (see Chart G)
4 = Roll four times again on Chart (see Chart G)

Chart G (1d100)
1 - 12 = Use Chart A
13 - 42 = Use Chart B
43 - 51 = Use Chart D
51 - 99 = Use Chart C
100 = Use Chart Z

Chart Z (d100,000,000,000,000,0000,000,000)
Any Result = You have discovered the secret! The secret is, I'm not overly fond of rolling on charts. Oh, and the next character you make suffers a critical hit while shaving, is decapitated, and dies.
 

TristramEvans

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Hedge-Knights


D20​
This hedge-knight appears​
1​
with beauty gone and flesh wasted.​
2​
decrepit and grey.​
3​
wrapped hand and face with moldering bandages.​
4​
scarred and tattooed such that the original tint of their skin can’t be told beneath them all.​
5​
haggard and drawn.​
6​
leathery and weather-beaten.​
7​
languorous, half-closed eyes dreaming of a place far from here.​
8​
to always be baring their cracked brown teeth.​
9​
smeared with mud, leaves and grasses stuck among their hair.​
10​
with one eye milky white, the other so bloodshot it looks a solid red.​
11​
wearing a horse’s steel barding, crudely modified to somewhat fit a human shape.​
12​
with a wooden nose carved to cover the hole left by the loss of their own.​
13​
in rags held together by accumulated filth as much as by stitching.​
14​
much too young to fight, kill, die.​
15​
shaken, always shaking.​
16​
ephemerally waifish.​
17​
stripped of fat and extraneous flesh, every muscle and tendon standing out in tension straining for release.​
18​
limping and leaning, greatly favouring a less injured side.​
19​
thick and bristly.​
20​
to never raise their voice above a hoarse whisper.​
D20​
This hedge-knight wields​
1​
a cudgel run through with rusty nails.​
2​
a longsword broken off halfway down the blade.​
3​
fists wrapped in leather, and wrapped again with inch-long thorns to make spiny cestuses (cestii?).​
4​
a pair of notched kitchen cleavers.​
5​
a woodsman’s axe, scabbed over like an old wound.​
6​
a stack of horseshoes tied at the end of a rope to make a flail.​
7​
a pitchfork with the side tines snapped off to make something almost like a spear.​
8​
a blade of old, corroded bronze, stolen from a barrow-mound.​
9​
a bow and flint-knapped arrows, made with their own hands by the oldest ways.​
10​
a lance, cut down to be usable on foot, a soiled favour still dangling from its tip.​
11​
a whaler’s harpoon.​
12​
a cavalryman’s sabre, bent in too many places.​
13​
anything they can lay their hands on. They consider being able to murder a man with a wooden spoon a point of pride.​
14​
a sledgehammer, with brutal simplicity.​
15​
a stiletto and a meathook.​
16​
a cut-down blunderbuss loaded with rocks and caltrops.​
17​
a miner’s pick.​
18​
a war scythe.​
19​
a stout walking stick with rock-hard knobs of fungus sprouting along it.​
20​
a fine sword, well-kept despite everything, the last remnant of their once-noble house.​
D20​
This hedge-knight would fight for nothing more than​
1​
the promise of revenge against the one who orchestrated their fall from fortune.​
2​
some lively livestock.​
3​
love, to be loved despite their sorry state.​
4​
a bottle of stiff drink, and fight better for a dose of a stranger drug.​
5​
the chance that they might be remembered in song as better than they’ve lived.​
6​
good company and trustworthy fellows to guard them while they sleep.​
7​
a title, any title, a taste of their former prestige.​
8​
news of their family.​
9​
the gift of better gear.​
10​
the guarantee of a death that wins some glory.​
11​
bargain mercenary wages.​
12​
a warm, perfumed bath with soap.​
13​
getting to go somewhere nobody knows them.​
14​
a bed somewhere with four walls and a roof.​
15​
charitable donations made in their name.​
16​
the opportunity to lead others into battle.​
17​
a squire willing to train in their techniques and code.​
18​
a tabard stitched with their sigil.​
19​
protection from the local law enforcement they’ve offended.​
20​
some land decent enough to farm.​
D20​
A bad habit this hedge-knight has picked up in their penury is​
1​
banditry, waylaying fellow travellers for pennies.​
2​
drunkenness, chugging any moonshine, hooch, or swill they can get their trembling mitts on.​
3​
sleeplessness, long stretches of insomnia pierced by shrieking nightmares.​
4​
coarseness, crudeness, and general inability to manage in polite society.​
5​
hoarding, of food and fleas and anything else they can get and keep.​
6​
fanaticism, the zealotry of one with nothing left but faith.​
7​
paranoia, watchfulness soured to endless suspicion.​
8​
gambling to their last coin, and then some.​
9​
a prickly, duel-hungry defensiveness of their last scraps of honour.​
10​
blasphemy, constant cursing of the higher power they blame for their misery.​
11​
utter contempt for the wretched few in the world they can consider beneath themself.​
12​
halfway-enlightened self-interest, selfishness when it suits their interests and too often when it doesn’t.​
13​
a voracious hunger for luxuries and the pampered life.​
14​
obsessive superstition, considering every sight a portent and every action a potential taboo.​
15​
hollowed fatalism, a bone-deep acceptance of this life as their lot.​
16​
bilious hatred for weakness, for comfort, for comforting.​
17​
a desperate urge to please and serve.​
18​
morbid fascination with death, the dead, and the dying.​
19​
universal schadenfreude, a creeping edge of sadism.​
20​
kleptomania.​
D20​
This hedge-knight carries​
1​
their master’s bones (what could be found of them, they were splintered so...) in a wicker bundle upon their back.​
2​
a pan-flute of unsettling timbre, taken from a faun they claim.​
3​
every tooth they ever knocked from a jaw, strung on twine about their neck.​
4​
a banner atop a broken pole, stained such that its heraldry seems to have changed entirely in colour and character.​
5​
a cheersome, motley-patched mask, used to win bread as a mummer when a sword-hand wouldn’t do.​
6​
a tarnished, exquisite silver spoon, which they insist on eating all their meals with.​
7​
a reeking wheel of cheese, mostly uneaten. They’re saving it for a good day.​
8​
a war medal, dented and dirty and honestly won.​
9​
a crutch with a sharpened and fire-hardened end. They don’t need it, yet.​
10​
a pouch of wooden dice.​
11​
a warhorn made from a wild boar’s tusk.​
12​
the leash of a three-legged hound.​
13​
a bag of foraged medicinal herbs.​
14​
a sealed letter they failed to deliver on time.​
15​
a fishing rod.​
16​
boards nailed together into a shield.​
17​
a pair of silk shoes with curled tips, too delicate to march in.​
18​
a clay lantern painted with scenes of warriors being devoured by beasts.​
19​
a vial of poison with two doses: one intended for another, and then themself.​
20​
a black iron helm shaped like a weeping face.​
 

ka maat

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Tavern times:

So many adventures start or pause in taverns. So, what's happening?

1 = High-stakes card game
2 = Prostitutes
3 = Bartender needed
4 = Drinking contest
5 = Daggers (Darts) game
6 = Arm-wrestling contest
7 = Vital NPC contact
8 = Fight
9 = Musician needed
10 = Questgiver
 

TristramEvans

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1d124 OSR-Style Challenges


  1. There's a circle of mushrooms with a girl inside it. Everything inside the circle of mushrooms will do everything in their power to get more people inside the circle (no save). The girl is already their thrall.
  2. There's a tiny octopus inside your stomach and it's biting you.
  3. The bad guy cannot be hurt by any weapon forged by mortal hands.
  4. This glass sphere (3' in diameter) is filled with gems and horrible undead snakes.
  5. The party needs to climb this wall. There's a field of unconsciousness halfway up. Anyone who climbs through it passes out, and then revives fully healthy as soon as they leave it.
  6. Carbuncle turtle. You need to pop the gem out of its forehead, but the turtle clams up as soon as it sees you. If it ever takes even a single point of damage, the gem crumbles into worthlessness.
  7. This good cultist sacrifices a virgin every full moon to assuage the Demon in the Pewling Pit. Stopping the sacrifices will unleash the Demon's fury on the nearby town of Wattledaub. (does this count?)
  8. The cowardly, but good, headman of Village A asks the party to stop the headstrong, but good, headman of Village B from raising a righteous revolt against the tyranny of the Knight of the Black Mace, because the Knight would probably just massacre all the villagers of A and B with his legion.
  9. This treasure chest only opens when it falls at least 1000' vertical. Alternatively, a strong giant could hammer it open or something. Contains a mattock of titans.
  10. This chest only opens when it is inside a stomach. Inside is a livingstonetree nut.
  11. An enemy wizard is immortal because she magically obliterated the possibility of her ever actually dying.
  12. The only person, who could teach you the spell you want, was turned to stone by a curse 200 years ago. The only way to break the curse is a kiss by his/her true love. Who died 180 years ago.
  13. The room is proofed against magic. The door only opens when a bowl is filled with water from a spring down the hall. The hall is long, vented to volcanic heat, so the water will evaporate before reaching the bowl.
  14. In the Chamber of the Turtle every turn you can move only half as far as you moved the last turn.
  15. The shadow-creature beckons to you from the other side of the mirror. When you peer in from the left or right you can see extra rooms, doors, people. This room/dungeon is otherwise a dead-end and you have not yet found the artifact for which you search.
  16. The door only opens when sunlight shines on it, even a tiny amount. The door is on the second floor of the dungeon. Maybe try mirrors?
  17. Visible key on the bottom of an acid lake.
  18. The sage stone only awakens when it hears the call of a paralophasaur, who have been extinct a long time. Blowing on the skull might work, if you have a skull. An imitation learned from someone who has heard one before might work. Time travel might work. Druids have ways of reviving dead species.
  19. A second Ancient Evil/Dark Lord offers PCs their aid in destroying another... but this will leave their new 'ally' in a far stronger position.
  20. There is a shrine full of murdered monks on the side of the road, just tucked back into the woods a little bit. In the back of a shrine is normal cat, locked in a cage. One monk still clinging to life tells the pcs that the cat is actually a terrible monster/demon/whatever but it was cursed. If cared for like a kitty king, it will die in 3d4 years of natural causes. If left uncared for, it will change back into a demon. Do they take the cat? Leave it? And who was just here killing all the monks anyway?
  21. The honorable orc clans and the alcoholic hill giants are meeting to discuss a truce. IT MUST NOT HAPPEN.
  22. Ogruk the Flatulant, a hill giant bandit, is known to wear a paralophasaur skull around his nethers. His pet dire honey badgers, Cruncher and Humpy, will run away in fear when air is forcefully and repeatedly propelled through the skull (because they have learnt their lessons). However, blowing air through the skull requires an escalating series of saves to avoid collapsing with nausea (the vile stinkyness is "baked" in hard). If this happens the little bastards will rip the hapless and vomiting player to bits. Companions can carry nauseous comrades away, but they will also have to carry the skull as Cruncher and Humpy will not abandon it within sight of Ogruk's corpse. The corpse will quickly decompose and, eventually, explode attracting 1d8 + 2 other dire honey badgers whereupon a frenzied and viscous fight for dominance and mating rights will begin, ending when only 1 disappointed and confused dire honey badger remains. It will then lurk in the vicinity of the skull and attempt to mate with any living thing that passes within sight. The likely outcome is death from significant blood loss.
  23. You have to cross a mud flat to reach <your goal> before <your opposition> does. You have no boats or rafts, and no clue when the flood is coming in.
  24. Morlock books ignite when exposed to light. You must find a way to read them. Darkvision is insufficient. Possible solutions include true seeing, exploiting differences between the ink and the paper (specific heat, adhesion to another dye), transmutation into a more stable material, or the painstaking and risky process of just sitting in a dark room, feeling the letters on the page.
  25. A porcelain sculpture, 20 beautiful angels all supporting each other atop a a pinhead 20 feet on the air. (Like the brige in Shadow of the Colossus, or that thing where 20 people sit in each other's laps, in a circle). Could be solved with immovable rods, covering the floor with trapeze artist nets, or just a lot of carpentry to build supports.
  26. The ice bridge is rebuilt by the ice-tilter every evening. Every night it is covered with sticky super spider cemen(t). Every day it melts.
  27. A long underwater tunnel. Level one solution: pig bladders full of air.
  28. Two titans are blocking and important path with an immense, esoteric game of strategy. They say you can pass once the game is done. The second titan has been deliberating their third turn for 79 years.
  29. A giant glyptodon guzzles gasoline in the ghostly glen, claims it is the firewater and wants more to let you pass.
  30. A witch has is the only person with access to important/valuable knowledge. While generally reasonable and willing to negotiate, everything she truly values is terrible (or icky at best).
  31. Treasure is guarded by a huge, ferocious, and narcoleptic monster. It sleeps pretty soundly, but not that soundly.
  32. Followers of a niche cult are sincere, good, and upstanding, but their god is a mindless automaton with a chance of going berserk and murdering everything it can find.
  33. There's an enormous gem in a volcano temple. Removing it will make the volcano erupt. There's a pleasant town with famous hot sprints on the slopes of the volcano.
  34. A richly decorated temple, absolutely opulent. Just encrusted in gems, gold, statues, and other highly valuable things. But practically zero mobile wealth. And the temple is in regular, active use.
  35. A richly decorated temple, absolutely opulent. Just encrusted in rhinestone, foil, replica statues, and other beautiful but not very valuable things. The temple opens a portal hole to the Philosophical Egg of Croesus when a True Priest of the Rich Hegemon makes the proper sacrifice. The temple is abandoned as all the True Believers of the Ascenscion of the Self Through Labour and Artifice were slaughtered in the Deathcult Crusades two-hundred and two-score years ago. For some reason, the temple has not decayed since.
  36. There is a ghost pumpkin, it is so small and cute and sad. SO SAD
  37. What can change the nature of a man? Is it drugs? It's drugs.
  38. The gate to the diamond room of diamonds is closed by diamond ghosts when intruders approach. They are blind themselves but can see through the eye of any non-sentient animal within 2 kilometers that is fly-sized or bigger.
  39. The beast's hide is impervious to all weapons, including magical ones.
  40. One thousand ultrarare jewels that self-annihilate if they touch another jewel.
  41. The monster automatically copies (no save) every spell in nearby casters' minds, and will cast them as soon as possible.
  42. The door's pneumatic workings run on saltwater. (Use the salt from preserved meats? Teleport to the sea? Use tears?)
  43. This dude! He cannot be hurt! And he has ALL THE STUFF YOU WANT BUT he can be hurt but no weapon that has not struck a death blow by the hand , fin or paw of a dumb beast
  44. Gold dust is mixed in with flour or corn or something - lots of it. The total amount of gold is actually pretty high, but nobody will take it mixed with other stuff.
  45. Speaking of flour, part of the dungeon is the hobgoblins' mill - the air of it and several rooms around it are filled with flour dust, making open flame extremely dangerous. No problem for the hobgoblins, who use darkvision anyway.
  46. The treasure is large, cumbersome, and edible (like big wheels of cheese or outsized mushrooms or slabs of rare mammoth meat), and the place is infested with things that eat that treasure (mold, rats, hyenas, whatever - preferably small and numerous enough that if the party tries to just stab every one individually, they'll have a bad time).
  47. The ogre tribe is ready to let you pass their teritory. But only if you leave one party member behind for dinner.
  48. The treasure is a new cultivar of potato, resistant to the Seven Blights of the Lean Cows.
  49. Magic tomato seeds that send a tomato stalk up to the top of the magic mountain.
  50. The Prophet of Vision: Has true sight (e.g. can see invisible, etc.) and has power over everything she can see. Is guarding something important. (So like... can only be hurt by stuff she can't see)
  51. The medusa has retreated to a room where she keeps SERIOUSLY DANGEROUS MONSTERS she has petrified. Kill her, and they will all come to life. But you can only get THAT THING YOU NEED if she is out of the way.
  52. The Tomb of Time: In these cursed tunnels, anything, or any external part of a thing, that moves faster than like a snail ages at a massively accelerated rate. Put simple, innocuous hazards like a 3m chasm or a muddy, steepish riverbank in there. Add gelatinous-cube like things, or timeless, magical beasts. Swinging a sword a few times means your arm emaciates etc. Also don't blink.
  53. Low ceiling'd cave, large pool of lava. Treasure is on the other side. Lava too hot, ceiling too low to climb over. Ropes, organic stuff, catch fire when close to lava for too long. Adding sufficient water to solidify the lava creates enough steam to liquify the people. Lava is sucky and sticky - even resist fire types likely to get stuck/drown.
  54. Any damage done to your evil double is doubly done to you. But the double has a tiny octopus in its stomach that is eating away at its insides. Your double cries in agony using your voice and prepares to throw itself in the sea to escape the pain.
  55. Halls of Forfeit: Each door requires the sacrifice of a living humanoid eye, hand, or tongue to open. Each door has a little grate so you can see what's on the other side. Each door automatically closes after 3 rounds.
  56. The Silent Grotto: The water and rocks here are arranged in beautiful, noneuclidean arrays. Any sound will cause reverberations that will destabilise, liquify or disinitegrate the source of the sound. Louder sounds are more likely to destroy themselves, tiny sounds may only cause mild damage.
  57. There is a sword in a stone that only the true king can draw, OH WAIT that whole family died because of an asshole vizier.
  58. Cross a moat filled with crocodiles.
  59. Symphony of Limbs: In a secluded chamber, The limbs of three hundred creatures play a haunting symphony on makeshift instruments of stone and bone. On a nearby throne, the Worm King schemes, writhing to the music. Anything hearing the songs will have their limbs slowly turn on them, one at a time. Enchanted limbs will do what they can, including separating themselves, to join the choir of limbs. Excess limbs in the chamber will defend from incursions, attempting to remove earmuffs and plugs and such, grabbing, tearing, bludgeoning...
  60. Mute room - no noise works in this room. Among other effects, characters (and their players) can't talk. Throw in a fight or a countdown of some kind so that they can't just take as long as they want writing conversations. And maybe something that they've gotten used to solving with a common spell.
  61. Important Quest Treasure was created in aeons past, before humanoids crawled from the dreams of animals, when Bears were Kings. Treasure can only be carried by a Bear. Bears want to keep the thing.
  62. Mud god. Stats as a level 3 fighter, can only be permanently killed by things that would kill a god. Everything he touches turns to soft, wet mud, eventually spreading to any wagon that he rides in. Bring him 200 miles to the king, who desires an exotic execution for his unfaithful, lowborn wife. The mud god is scared of fire.
 

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  1. Only under the full moon, at midnight, will the Ghost of the Pheasant Queen of Charmingwood appear. In the ages since her life, the woods have grown older, and the stains of man and death have left their mark. At night, ten thousand undead sparrows hop, stalk, and wing through the woods. They do not accept the living in their wood, and they cannot be easily fought. They flee only natural sunlight, and will locate anything in the open in D100 seconds.
  2. A tinderwisp knows the secret to the thing, and must be taken to it. She is captive in a deep, dark place, locked in a crate. Any nearby fire will turn her to ash and smoke, dead, to be reborn in another age. Any nearby magic will release her to the winds and leylines, and she will be lost. (If fire or magic gets close, roll 1D100 - if the roll is > than the distance in yards, she is lost).
  3. The Akashic Stone: A simple stone, wrought from the fabric of time. Any who speak in its presence lose their memory, and will likely go mad. It is in a distant, dangerous place. A sage needs it to answer some question about something important for your quest.
  4. Curse Of Terror: Develop a phobia of the next thing you touch, or are currently touching.
  5. Harlequin's curse: Anything solidish (soup, but not beer) that you put in your closed mouth becomes a tiny jester or harlequin of similar size, and it is in the middle of a performance.
  6. Infernal Atrium: Any metal within these halls will turn to lava in D100 seconds. Also there is lots of fire and lava in here, and things that set wood on fire, etc.
  7. Rare and delicious honey with mild pyschedelic properties useful to magic types. Not only are the hives way up on a mountain (like these: http://www.espritsciencemetaphysiques.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/11/1200x6002.jpg) but the bees are insanely poisonous and aggressive.
  8. Half the dungeon is in the astral plane, and successfully navigating it requires moving around and manipulating objects in both planes. Guarded by scissor-happy monks looking for your astral cord.
  9. For every five feet you walk in this tunnel, you grow five years younger. The tunnel is 200 feet long.
  10. Your blood is replaced by liquid copper. You can bleed yourself for pocket change, and it "clots" faster, but you're being slowly poisoned and are even more conductive than usual.
  11. The inhabitants of this city recognize a friendly, normal dog as their king. The politics of the city revolve around what can plausibly be claimed to be the will of the dog-king. Attempting to influence the dog-king is a capital offense.
  12. After angering a trickster god, your party's normal spokesperson is unable to make an utterance without gravely insulting the listener. There's got to be someway to break that curse...
  13. Bards.
  14. Flooded chamber filled with breathable fluid. (Torches don't work here.) You need to read some runes. The only source of light are some horrible anglerfish fuckers.
  15. King A has hired you to clear the field of suitors for Princess B, so Prince A can court her exclusively. You'll be paid handsomely once Princess B and Prince A are married. Halfway through removing the other suitors you learn Princess B and Prince A hate each other.
  16. You;re offered a job stealing sentient inanimate object out of a castle where everything is sentient (and vocal). Is it kidnapping? How can you avoid raising the alarm when the damn rugs yell at you and the chairs want to engage in debates?
  17. The map to the treasure of the Sierra Madres has been found! The finder has escaped from everyone who wants to kill her/him for it by taking sanctuary inside Doppelganger Abbey. You do have a flyer with his/her picture, though.
  18. You arrive in a city that doesn't exist on any map. The language they speak is unrecognizable by even the most intelligent of scholars. And it turns out this city has a taboo against nonverbal communication. Even an attempt at charades will result in horror, distasteful avoidance, or possible imprisonment.
  19. You arrive in a village you had just left yesterday. Nobody recognizes you. Everybody speaks a language you can't understand. The cats look at you knowingly. Every day there is a 50% chance that one of the PCs faces becomes (1: the opposite gender, 2: smooth as an egg, 3: elven, 4: orcish, 5: genderless, 6: a mirror). At night, the moon now has glyphs inscribed on it.
  20. Get a cat down from a tree without hurting it. It's on a tiny branch, too small to support a man's weight.
  21. Cast a spell that is only castable when in freefall. (At least 6 seconds of freefall.)
  22. The Iron Kappa Golem can only (easily) be defeated by spilling the water in its head, or else defiling it.
  23. The Holy Paladin can only be defeated once he (or his armor) is defiled by sin.
  24. Catch the dungeon snipe. It's extremely alert, runs away faster than you can move, and will not set off any traps. Other dungeon monsters will not attack it. At least it's no smarter than a typical bird.
  25. The important magical thing has been eaten by a regular duck and there are lots of ducks on the lake. You need it by tomorrow night.
  26. Get the treasure from the Hall of False Memories in the Dungeon of Circles. Avoid the ghostly horde of the legion of adventurers past. They run around the dungeon screaming and waving their swords and axes. As they are phantasms, they don't set of traps. They don't really notice living creatures, stuck in their own hell, but their weapons and trampling still cut the chords of life binding the living to the false illusion of the material world.
  27. This bad buy can only be permanently killed if its corpse is ENTIRELY eaten within 24 hours of its death. Most people are unwilling to eat this bad guy.
  28. In this dungeon, fire turns into poisonous black smoke (only illuminates 5') while noise causes the crystal walls to vibrate, creating illumination.
  29. The thing you need is too heavy to move by hand, and the tunnels are too cramped to fit a bunch of people around it.
  30. That bad-good penny can only be gotten rid of if it is willingly ingested by your nemesis. The bad-good penny, while possessed, gives immunity to disease, aging, wounds and death. But every 1d100 days one person close to you dies a horribly grisly and random death (no save). When there are no people close to you left, random intelligent creatures in your vicinity start dying gruesomely. Note that your nemesis counts as someone "close to you", so they may well die before you can get them to eat the bad-good penny.
  31. An anti-gorgon must be kidnapped and returned alive. If she is ever seen, she turns to stone.
  32. The dungeon-pyramid-castle was literally built around the platinum pyrocophagus of Mu Patuti. The platinum pyrocophagus is too big to take out through any one of the tunnels. Cutting it up destroys its magic.
  33. Inside a room, on a table, there is the thing you want. Anything that enters the room is reduced in size: -50% for every foot into the room.
  34. You must get Lucifer to wear this necklace. The necklace will hide its true nature from all of Lucifer's divinations.
  35. Bad Guy can only be killed by the Child's sword. Sword can only be wielded by a child (age 11 or less). There may or may not be a few potions of youth nearby (reduce your age by 1d20 years).
  36. The demon crown must be brought across the dungeon to the Slouching Forge. The demon crown possesses anyone that wears it (no save). The demon crown is capable of teleporting atop any head within 20'. The person wearing the demon crown has laser eyes.
  37. The entrance to this dungeon is underwater, and you must not get any water into the dungeon itself. The simplest way is just to hire a bunch of villagers to drain the swamp, but there are many other solutions.
  38. In this dungeon, if two people are ever in the same room, they begin taking small amounts of psychic damage each turn. Most of the monsters are immune to psychic damage. One monster is immune to everything except psychic damage.
  39. One of these villagers is actually a master swordsman. Everyone in this village is dedicated to hiding the master swordsman's identity.
  40. You must put the One Ring someplace where no one will ever find it, despite the fact that the Ring can gradually call people to it via psychic emanations. There is no Mount Doom.
  41. An earth demon is feeding on the villagers through the ground. You need to get all of the villagers off the ground at the same time (get them all standing on furniture, or on roofs). Then the demon will emerge from the ground and you can stab it in the gonads. Evacuating the town also works.
  42. Halls of Elemental Fuckery: In this subsection of dungeon, air functions like water, water functions like air, and fire turns into bubbles, and love turns into light. If you open a door and there's just a wall of water. You go in there and swim around, and you'll need to breathe from your water flasks. Acts of love generate light.
  43. All of the surfaces of this dungeon are electrified metal. Touching them with a conductive material will shock your balls off. At the back of the dungeon is the switch to turn this off. Thick leather boots are an obvious requirement. Leather armor is a good idea if you plan to do any falling down. Water is impassable. Picking locks in leather gloves is difficult or impossible.
  44. Transport a very large number of balloons.
  45. The bomb that will destroy your <reward> will blow up in a few minutes. There is no easy way to defuse it.
  46. Six torches and a chest in the chronomancer's treasure chamber. Chests exist in 2 dimensions. Notes/speak with dead, indicate all reality is a shadow of true 6 dimensional space time. Lights in chamber can be adjusted, casting shadows from the 2d chests that are more real than the chests themselves. Also unleashes flat vampires. By standing in the chamber and adjusting the lights, PCs can empower their shadows to fight back.
  47. Friendly flesh golem's head is separated from its body. Body used as invincible weapon by troglodytes (they keep it on a long adamant chain). After finding head, pcs can question it to figure out the body's location (the head feels everything the body does) and re-attach. Head can't control body unless attached but won't attack anyone holding the head.
  48. Party enters an area of reality damage. Any steeds/pack animals become anthropomorphic, can now speak and are fully sentient. They see the characters as bosom companions and will not understand why they are shunned by right thinking folk. They want to fuck normal animals. Capable of reproduction.
  49. Frozen in the ice, is a character's long dead mother. Holds important (but non vital) key in hands. If melted, will act as if nothing ever happened, cannot remember how they got in ice, etc. Will rot into skeleton mum in d12 months.
  50. When a certain magical herb is smoked, the smoke becomes solid, as long as the PC remains positive. Can be used to form ladders, keys, weapons... any solid. But stay cool or you'll make something bad out of smoke. Or it'll vanish when the rest of the party are 500 feet up.
  51. Paranoid tree requires every animal in the wood to have an identification numerical (they can all talk). Badger secret police. Paranoia caused by roots absorbing water from poison pool beneath tree. Loggers want to cut it down.
  52. Local tribe has religiously/magically important feast coming up. The PCs are invited as honored guests, which means they get the distinction of catching and cooking the main course - a giant crawfish big enough to stuff the whole village and a few neighboring ones too. As with their smaller cousins, these guys dig small tunnels in mud banks and are pretty likely to cause awful food poisoning if you don't cook them live. And they have big grabby claws and thick armor.
  53. There is a snake that's seven miles long. It's breath is psychadelic. There is a powerful medicine in its small intestine that is only secreted while it is alive. This medicine is needed to stop a plague. Killing the snake destroys the medicine, this is known, for the medicine is spiritually linked to the living essence of the snake that's long seven miles.
  54. A dungeon, ruled by two medusae. One's gaze turns to stone. One's gaze turns inanimate matter to flesh. There is a door that disintegrates living cells. Beyond the door, something sweet. Both medusae have problems. Stone never wants to use her power. Flesh hates her sister.
  55. Race of cat people primarily recognizes things based on scent - sight is only good for telling you where things are, not what they are. Players need to track down a spectral serial killer that is visually distinct but odorless.
  56. Figure out which of these three manticores is heaviest. They live on three adjacent hills.
  57. The king has hiccups but refuses treatment. Scare him in a way that won't get you killed.
  58. In three days, the God of Meteors will fly 20' over the mountain top going 300 miles an hour. He sometimes slows down to get a better look at interesting or beautiful things. Catch him, because his power is proportionate to his velocity.
  59. A talking frog has taken a vow of silence. You must get it to speak again.
  60. A giant has become possessed by a powerful spirit of evil. The curse is only broken when he laughs, but now he only smiles at tragedy and schadenfreude. (Tickling him is a dangerous, but viable option.)
  61. You learn The Artifact(TM) you need is somewhere in the elven village of Elfville. When you arrive they welcome you graciously and show you their sacred really old ElfTree(c), impervious to all magical harm and the lifeblood of the village. The tree is impressive, but not what you are looking for. After a few days in the village you discover The Artifact(TM) is in the heart of the tree, and in order to retrieve it you need to cut the tree down (not impervious to regular old axes). The elves may kill the human race, starting with you (they'll definitely kill you), if you harm their ElfTree(c).
  62. A bunch of magic pools of various liquids. Experimentation is required to identify the properties of each one. Good examples are water, milk, fractal wine (causes instant drunkeness), deadly poison, acid, healing potion (loses magic 10 minutes after being removed from pool), purple dye, invisibility oil, transforms copper to silver, portal to somewhere else, lamp oil, green slime, apple juice.
 

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Curses

Minor Curses
1. Dog hatred. They will attack you, if given half a chance. Cured by living as a dog for 1 year, or doing 1 dungeon or equivalent challenge "as a dog".

2. Will never find love. No one wants to sleep with you. Cured by helping 2 other people fall in love.

3.Absurd Speech. Cannot be comprehended by anyone. Spells have a 60% chance of failure and a 10% chance of Mutation. Cured by learning a language you have never heard before.

4.Fragile. Any damage dealt to you may be rerolled, and the higher result is kept. Cured by voluntarily breaking all of your fingers and toes.

5. Twitchy and Freakish. -2 to all Reaction rolls when you are in a party. Can be cured by having a baby within wedlock and treating it well.

6. Foggy eyes. Cannot see more than 30'. Cured by serving a crone for 1 year.

7. Nightmares. Only get restful sleep 60% of the time. Cured by sleeping alone in a dungeon or other very dangerous place.

8. Hiccups. Always fail stealth checks. Never surprise anyone. Cured by suffering a genuine fear effect (doesn't count if cast by friends).

9. Grim hearted. Can never benefit from positive morale or positive emotions. Cured by helping a bunch of children (big donation to an orphanage, saving child slaves, etc.)

10. Dreamlessness. Reduce all XP gained by 5%. Immune to bad dreams. Cured by insanity.

11. Delicious. Monster that enjoy eating people will prioritize attacking you. Can be cured by eating an entire manticore.

12. Hollow Guts. Consume three times the usual rations, and must eat something every three hours or suffer 1d6 damage. Cured by eating deadly poison.

13. Flashing eyes. Your eyes glow in different colours. They cast light like a match. Always fail stealth checks unless you move blindly. Cured by staring at the sun for 1d4 hours. Save each hour or be permanently blinded.

14. Horrible Nickname. Everyone who meets you knows your new horrible title, and they might believe it. Cured by convincing someone to adopt your full name, and taking theirs.

15. Sticky. You attract insects. Each day the swarm grows. Insects eat half your allotted rations each day. Cured by scraping your entire body with a silver spoon.

16. Curse of bad luck. -2 to Save. Can be cured by sacrificing a bull atop a mountain.

17. Beast head. Your head becomes that of a 1) Dog 2) Cat 3) Pig 4) Donkey 5) Crocodile 6) Lion 7) Jackal 8) Parrot 9) Snake 10) Owl. -2d6 to Charisma until cured. Cured by burying all but your head in the sand for a day and a night, unobserved by any friends.

18. Sum of your parts. Head, torso, arms, and legs become detached and can move independently, at half speed. Cured by rubbing zombie dust into your joints.

19. Blighted. Crops and animals do not thrive when sharing a property with you. No fruit, no milk, etc. Cured by planting 1000 trees by hand.

20. Sour Milk. 50% chance that food turns rotten in your mouth (chance of wasting a ration). Cured by fasting for 2 weeks.


Major Curses

1. Go with the Flow: All bones are dissolved. You are now a sack of liquid that must be carried in a bucket. Reroll all physical stats using 1d6. 20% spell failure chance. Cured by eating the bones of an ogre.

2. Made of glass. Any noise louder than a conversation requires you to Save vs Fear. Cured by deafening yourself with hot iron needles in the ears.

3. Doomed. Will automatically fail the next Save vs Death. Cured by the touch of a wight.

4. Blinded. Cured by cutting out your tongue.

5. Part Switch. Two of the following parts switch places, but continue to function normally in their new location. 1) Eye 2) Toe Nail 3) Finger 4) Tongue 5) Liver 6) Anus 7) Rib 8) Ear Canal. Cured by eating a doppleganger’s heart.

6. Evil Twin. An exact duplicate appears 1d6 miles away, with all the same gear, items, and knowledge, but of opposite alignment. They hate you. Ends only in the death of one or both.

7. Spirit Home. A small creature takes up residence in your skull, carving a tiny hollow for its home. It crawls out from your ears at night to bring home food and small items. Cured by tempting the creature out with a more interesting head.

8. Beloved by the Dead. Anything dead within 20’ of you has a 50% chance of coming to life every 2 hours. Radius grows by 5' every day. They love you and seek to make you like them. Cured by immersing yourself in a vat of holy water for 1 full day.

9. Cursed Bloodline. A minor curse is applied to all your blood relatives, or those you consider family.

10. Mute. Cannot cast spells. Can be cured by plucking out an eye and sacrificing it to a god.

11. Ophelia. Save or try to drown yourself in any body of water you encounter. Cured by poisoning someone you love, or someone who loves you.

12. Weightless. Each day, you weigh half as much as you did the previous day. You also halve your melee damage each day. After 6 days, you begin to float. Cured by plucking the wings off one fairy for each day since you were cursed.

13. Bad with money. 20% chance to lose all money when entering a settlement (via thievery, taxes, etc). Cured by sacrificing your most valuable possession.

14. Crippled. Movement is halved. Cured by spending 1 month in a desert without moving more than 5'.

15. Breakage. Treat all your equipment as shoddy quality. Cured by giving all of your possessions to the poor and doing a dungeon or equivalent challenge naked (except 1 item).

16. Screaming Teeth. They stay quiet when your mouth is closed, and they wait for you to finish speaking before screaming. -1d6 Charisma. Cured by removing all teeth with silver pliers.

17. Cursed to die in a fire. Fire does double damage. Cured by killing a dragon, or serving one for a year and a day.

18. Moon curse. Turn into an (NPC) werewolf 1 random night during the week of the full moon. Cured by drinking hemlock (Save vs Poison or die).

19. Endless Thirst. Water and ale provide no hydration. You must drink magic potions. Failure to do so means death by dehydration in Con Bonus -2 days. Cured by the spinal fluid of an Aboleth.

20. Curse of Unreality: 50% chance to disappear when not observed, and reappear 1d6 hours later. Cured by writing a popular ballad or book about your exploits.
 

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Why are you alone in this dungeon?
So your PC died and the party is in the middle of a dungeon. Should you wait till the end of the session to play again? Hell no. The party runs into your new character in the next room! But why are you here? Roll on the handy table to find out.

Roll Reason
1 Fell down a crevasse while gathering mushrooms
2 Captured by trolls. Currently alive and marinating.
3 Got black-out drunk and wandered down here.
4 Testing a scroll of teleport.
5 Put on a cursed ring found in an antique shop.
6 Searching for a rare herb, following a scry spell.
7 Searching for true love, following a scry spell.
8 Found a treasure map. Was woefully underprepared.
9 Found a treasure map. Was well prepared. Provisions stolen by ex-friends.
10 Attempted suicide by dungeon, changed mind at last minute.
11 Preaching to an unlikely audience (goblins, trolls, dryads). It’s not going well.
12 Preaching to an unlikely audience. It’s going too well. Needs to escape.
13 Pursuing lost cat for reward money.
14 Pursuing bandit tribe for reward money.
15 Pursuing bandit tribe to join them.
16 Left in dungeon as part of initiation ritual.
17 Hoping to rescue a prince or princess.
18 Hoping to meet and work for a powerful dragon.
19 Pissed of an elemental spirit.
20 Pissed off a minor god.
21 Pissed off a major, but empathetic, god.
22 Enthralled bloodslave of a vampire who just died by falling off a cliff.
23 Trying to find a new place to farm illegal mushrooms.
24 Farmhouse uprooted by tornado.
25 Farmhouse downrooted by earth-nado.
26 Valkyries grabbed wrong guy, dropped them off in dungeon in disgust.
27 Kidnapped and held for ransom by gnomes.
28 Last survivor of a now-dead party.
29 Last survivor of a presumed-dead party.
30 Last survivor of a presumed-dead party. They are still alive and they are assholes.
31 Turned into water by an evil wizard. Trickled down here and reformed.
32 Deserter from the front, waiting out the war.
33 Elected as king by mayfly people. Entire kingdom just died of old age.
34 Cursed to wander the earth until they solve (incredibly trivial) riddle.
35 Cursed to wander the earth until they solve obtuse mathematical problem.
36 Cursed to wander the earth until they get laid.
37 Prospector looking for rare ores.
38 Cultist willing to give up cult and evil ways for a hot meal.
39 Severe agoraphobia.
40 Goblin reincarnated as a human by confused goblin druids.
41 Devoured by a purple worm by wearing a very useful, now destroyed amulet.
42 Specialist hired by underground kingdom to fix a forge, now lost on way home.
43 Specialist hired by underground kingdom to fix king’s madness, now exiled.
44 Specialist hired by goblins, as a cruel joke.
45 Went swimming, caught in underground river, deposited in dungeon.
46 Lost a bet with a wizard.
47 Archeologist. The tomb-robbing kind.
48 Archeologist. The boring pottery kind.
49 Miner trapped here after an earthquake.
50 Trying to visit home of ancestors. Did not memorize the directions.

 

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1d50 Missions for Small Groups of Medieval Mercenaries

1d5050 Mercenary Missions
1There's a legend about that castle. They say, on the summer solstice, a fifth tower of pure gold appears at noon. And it's the summer solstice tomorrow...
2For diplomatic reasons, you need to sack and burn this monastery while dressed as mercenaries from a rival company. Make sure you leave survivors. And don't loot anything too obvious.
3See if you can find a path through that swamp. Map it or use markers. You may need to find a local guide.
4This convent of nuns has a very important relic. Go steal it for the greater glory of the mercenary company. If the saint doesn't want to be stolen, you'll get smitten by lightning or something equally unpleasant.
5The emperor of some foreign land is sending wax copies of his legs to a nearby city for custom-fitted armour. You're going to steal them and we're going to hold them for ransom.
6The emperor of some foreign land wants to add a local beast to his menagerie. Go capture something magical and dangerous. Here's 50' of rope and a wooden mallet.
7Our leader's favorite lover is very sick. A famous elderly physician resides two towns away, but refuses to travel to the camp despite offers of vast wealth. Go kidnap the physician... politely.
8One of the Archpriest's legates is carrying secret letters to a nearby city. Insert this sealed letter among them.
9We need you to paint insulting slogans on these dead and diseased cows before we launch them over the walls.
10There's a small castle along our line of march. It would be convenient if it was occupied before the bulk of our forces pass by. Bribe, fight, or bluff your way in.
11Here's a laugh. Go ride out to this castle and tell the owner to surrender or we'll burn it at dawn. We won't of course. Too much trouble and it's too far away. But the owner might fall for it.
12Apparently the queen of this town has a magic mirror that identifies pretty women for her. Weird, I know, but think of what we could do with that mirror! Go steal it.
13There was a silver mine in the hills before the war. See if any of the locals remember where it was. It might still be operating.
14The court poet from a local city has written some very satirical verses about our leader. It'd be unfortunate if the poet met with a tragic accident on the road.
15The enemy army has camped on a plain just below a dam. If someone breaks that dam, the river will burst its banks and sweep them away. Of course, it's behind enemy lines...
16One of the Archpriest's legates is carrying vital letters. You need to steal them, copy them, and return them without the legate noticing.
17Feint a night attack on this town, just to annoy them. Don't get killed, just make them raise the alarm.
18The captain says he needs a tutor for his children. Go find someone suitable. A literate priest or something. They may need some persuading to work in a mercenary camp.
19We've tried undermining the town's walls, but something keeps eating the miners. I mean the miners keep disappearing. Anyway, if you sort it out you'll get a nice bonus.
20It's vitally important, for diplomatic purposes, this convent of nuns is protected. Make sure nobody bothers the nuns. That includes you. And keep your hands of their relics.
21The enemy town has hired unbribeable killer mercenaries from Foreign Parts. They don't speak the local language so we can't corrupt them. Find someone who speaks their language, and quickly!
22Our leader is hosting a banquet. Ride down to the coast, buy fresh fish, and get them back here before they start to smell.
23Our leader's astrologer-wizard started gibbering about "moondrops" and "beams of silver" and ran off into the night. Go find them and drag them back.
24We need to bulk up our numbers before the assault. Go see if any of the local villagers can hold a sword or a spellbook. If they can and they want to fight, sign them up.
25Our leader is getting married. You lot need to get him a gift. Go steal something nice off the registry.
26Remember that old manor house we took in the spring? Apparently there are tunnels below it. Some of the guards went in; only one of them made it out. Died in a tavern three days later, but his pockets were full of gold.
27Go scout the enemy army and count their cannons. Don't get caught.
28This fog isn't natural. It's a wizard business. Or a druid. Or worse. Head that-a-way and see if you find anything. We'll light a signal fire to guide scouting parties back home.
29Here's the plan. You pose as deserters, sneak into the town, and spread the word that it will be violently sacked tomorrow. The nobles sneak their valuables out. We ambush them and share the proceeds.
30Someone massacred a village and it wasn't us. Go take a look.
31The wizard's tower is supposed to be empty, but something in there keeps lobbing spells at our troops. Fix it.
32You look like clever people. Invent a terrifying weapon to impress our employers. It only needs to work once, during the demonstration. You've got a week.
33You're our last hope. Get inside the town somehow and open the gates.
34To prevent the enemy from marching against us, set fire to all the grassland from here to the mountains It's been a dry month. Their horses will starve.
35Some moron says he found "giant bones" down by the riverbed. There haven't been giants in these parts for centuries, but I hear a powder made from their bones makes your... well nevermind. Just go find them.
36We're running low on horses. Go into the hills, find a village, and see if they've got any horses.
37Go check on the condition of this road. Rumour has it goblins were seen in the trees, and where there's some goblins there's always more goblins.
38See that hill? There are standing stones on the top with strange markings on them. Might be nothing, but you should check them for wizard business.
39Our leader's worthless bastard son turned up. Take him on a "hunting trip" in the hills. I hope nothing conveniently tragic happens to the poor lad.
40Your job is to deliver this letter to the leader of a rival mercenary company. Don't stick around for a reply. No seriously, it's best if you hand the letter to their leader and run.
41We're running low on food. Go into the hills, find a village, and get as much food as you can. Take these two carts.
42They say a tunnel went through that mountain in ancient times. Go see if you can find the entrance. It's not likely-smarter people have tried-but if you do you'll be legends.
43They say there's a hidden village in the hills, inaccessible unless you know the path... or you're very smart. And you're very clever, right? Go find it and see what they're up to.
44So we might have accidentally killed a bishop and his retinue. You could have been his twin. Put on this hat and robe, go where he was going, pretend to have a fever, and die of natural causes as soon as possible.
45You need to fake a troop movement away from the camp. Convince any observers watching by night that we're sending a detachment to flank them. No, there's no budget. Figure it out.
46The people paying us say we can only claim territory up to the border. The border stones are moveable if you've got a pickaxe, three oxen, and a cart. You only need to move... oh, two dozen. A mile or two will help.
47An ambassador from a distant kingdom was kidnapped by some bandits. They're hiding in a small looted castle. The local nobles want the castle back but can't pay. The ambassador's ransom is unlikely to arrive.
48A rival mercenary company just purchased a huge stock of gunpowder in preparation for a predicted siege. It'd be a real shame if someone set fire to it.
49Old Simpkins, who sells us onions and those funny woodcuts, says bandits have been bothering him near the pass. Go sort them out. We like Old Simpkins.
50A noble in a local town is stirring up trouble. Go assassinate him. Quietly, publicly, doesn't matter.
 

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100 Misfortunes on the Road


  1. The hero caught sight of the Face of Death. Their body is translated into a salty burn shadow and a flickering soul-echo of their existence remains suspended in the air. Nothing short of a Wishful Dream or Wish can restore them, for their human essence has been ripped into the shreds of the Ignored Tower’s distortion. Singed possessions and belongings remain, tossed as by a grim tide.
  2. Got the runny blues, a depressive digestive disorder (-1d6 Dex and Con).
  3. Picked up tendril tapeworms.
  4. Got an infected sore on the muddy road.
  5. Pick-pocket attack, lost something precious.
  6. Fell in love with a swamp wisp.
  7. Nice shoes ruined in a deceptive bog.
  8. Luckless character sprains an ankle (+1 day).
  9. Lose 1 slot of supplies to a sharp-toothed rodent pack.
  10. Catch a rattling cough. Noisy, but harmless. A patent medicine (5 cash) should cure it.
  11. Bitten by a scorpion spider trying to make a home in a smelly boot (poison, Con save DC 3d6, disadvantage on physical checks for Δ6 days).
  12. Unfortunate hero sprains shoulder (+1 day).
  13. Lose a beast to a pack of wild dogs.
  14. Get a bladder infection (-1d4 Str).
  15. Infested with ash-lice (-1d4 Wis).
  16. Metal armor has rusted (-1 AC bonus).
  17. Red eye from the irritating dust (-1d4 Dex).
  18. Preventable with proper eyewear.
  19. Horrible blisters (limping).
  20. Beast found with seventeen two-inch cubes cut out of its flesh, it is severely weakened (+2 days or leave it behind).
  21. Nasty nettle burns (-1d4 Dex).
  22. Sat in an ant nest (-1d4 Cha).
  23. Ripped pants on some cinder slag.
  24. Infected cut on hand from sharp shard (-1d4 hp).
  25. Δ4 supplies pilfered by monkey-handed canids.
  26. Sat on a cactus (-1d4 Con).
  27. Hat blown away by sudden gust.
  28. Those pretty flowers in that garland? Totally poisonous (Con save DC 2d6), left a rash, too (-1 Cha).
  29. Ecstatically beautiful flower patch, could lose track of time here (+1 days, +50 XP, -2 Con from exposure).
  30. Biomech razorfly swarm forces everyone to hunker down. Lose 1d4 days or 2d6 hp.
  31. Mount steps into a puddle of Source and suddenly undergoes violent source code corruption.
  32. Lost in the high grass. Lose 1d4 days, roll on Misfortune and Encounter again. Also, lost a shoe to a thirsty tangle shrub.
  33. Hit in the eye by a speck of windblown biomech garbage. Ouch. -1d4 hp and -1d4 Dex. Blinded in one eye until treated by a proper medic.
  34. Infected thornstone wound. Lose 1 Con per day until healed (Cure Disease or equivalent).
  35. Lightning strike, DC 14 Dex save, 2d10 damage or lose a henchman or beast of burden.
  36. Dreadful winds slow progress, lose 1 day and DC 12 Con save or catch the dusting cough.
  37. Baking heat exhausts travelers, lose 1d4 Con.
  38. Baking heat and sweat means a bad saddle rash, lose 1d4 Dex.
  39. Slept in the soil of a radiation ghost, lose 1d6 Str.
  40. Bitten by a rabid steppe wolf, Con DC 10 save or diseased. Wis DC 15 save and three rations could get you a steppe wolf pet. Fears magic carpets.
  41. A princely toll is levied for semi-legal goods. 20% or 50 cash, whichever is more. Or fight a porcelain patrol.
  42. Sharp porcelain splinter leaves festering foot wound, slowed, lose 1d4 days.
  43. Lightning strike throws up biomantic spores, Con DC 2d6+2 or diseased. Mutations possible.
  44. Massive static field raises glowing dusts, that bring bad coughs and sleep deprivation, lose 1d6 Con.
  45. Bad cinder storm sends sharp debris flying, lose 1 day or 1d6 hp.
  46. Tiny poison golem in boot, can be trained. Poison DC 3d6, requires refill after each attack. Quite stupid.
  47. 1d4 supplies worth of water lost to a freak desiccating gust incident.
  48. Shard of the Dark Mirror lodged in one eye, letting the hero always see the worst in people. Sort of like a permanent Detect nastiness ability that won’t turn off. Curse removal recommended.
  49. Booming rust storm flenses caravan and leaves ringing in the ears. Lose 1d4 days.
  50. 1d6 pieces of metal equipment rust beyond use. Even magical items rust in this area.
  51. Stumble and cut self on the weathered grave of a machine folk hero, taking 1d8 damage from an ancient weapon. The grave contains porcelain eyes worth 1d6 x 100 cash and a magic, un-rusting weapon. It has no other power. It just never rusts.
  52. Nasty concussion from walking head-down into an unexpected arch of salt (Lose 1d6 hp and 1d6 Intelligence).
  53. Broken leg from stumbling over a scree pile. Still, better than looking on the Face of Death (Lose 1d8 and 1d6 Str and Dex).
  54. Pack animal caught in the gaze of the Face of Death. It’s gone now, all the goods it carried singed, but still about half-salvageable.
  55. Thick haze-storm obscures the Face of Death, making travel easier, though the smog plays havoc on the lungs (Gain 1d4 days, but lose 1d4 hp).
  56. Strap, belt, thong, shoe-lace or other tie snaps at the worst moment, and in the fall a fragile object breaks. If the hero has no fragile objects, then they packed well and get through intact.
  57. Horrible, bloody blisters (limping and -1d4 hp). Could get infected.
  58. Picked up lenticular worms. Great.
  59. Lit a campfire on top of an enormous deposit of methane-rich ‘deposits’ left by some gargantuan herbivore (Dex DC 2d10 or lose 1d10 hp),
  60. Found a wonderful little oasis, full of delicious fish and black light lotus (+1d4 Cha for a week, get a week’s worth of rest, lose 1d6 days).
  61. A spell or memory disappears into the dead land (lose one known spell or skill permanently, or until a Restoration is used).
  62. Dry, flaky rash strikes hard (-1d4 Charisma).
  63. 1d4 slots of supplies lost to the dust.
  64. Chitin-cap spores infected a steed, laming it.
  65. Lost in the dull, repetitive land. Have you walked past that abandoned village before? Maybe? (-1d4 days).
  66. Rested in a peaceful farming village, but it turned out to be a ghostly echo of the Times of the Liberated Serf Dictatorship (lose 1 day and 1d4 supplies).
  67. Water runs out in the empty land (-2 supplies).
  68. Sudden snow storm (-1d4+1 days).
  69. Swarming blood-sucking flies (-1 Con).
  70. Abandoned rodent warren snaps a steed’s leg. Oops.
  71. Restful grove with beautiful spring. Oh, wait, the spring water was contaminated with the effluvia of Ultra ghosts (lose 1 day and 1 supplies in a hallucinated fug).
  72. A random weapon or armor fell off the danged pack animal. Back over there. Somewhere. It’s gone now in the sea of grass.
  73. Fell through an eroded shell midden into a subterranean cavern (-1d4 supplies or lose 1d6 Dex and Con).
  74. Unexpected hailstorm (-1 days or -1d4 hp).
  75. Soporific pine trees put party to sleep (-1d3 days).
  76. A beast of burden wanders off (lose beast or -1 day to retrieve it).
  77. Caught a nasty cold (sniffling and sneezing for 1d6 days).
  78. Cash pilfered by a tribe of uplifted, greedy prairie dogs (-1d100 cash).
  79. Attacked by blood-draining vampire grass in the night (-1d8 hp).
  80. Harsh, stiff winds make progress slow (-1d4 days).
  81. Mechanical or magical device breaks down from the odd electromagical fields.
  82. Carnivorous grasses entangle a beast in the night (lose beast or 1d4 supplies).
  83. Got a nasty infection from a sharp sedge cut (-1d4 Con).
  84. Camped on a nasty ant mound (lose 1d4 hp).
  85. Swept away by a flash flood, throw away up to six posessions and roll d6. If you roll equal to or below the number of discarded possessions you wash up 1d4 days away, unhurt. If you roll over, you drown.
  86. Struck by lightning, lose half hit points and one metal item is destroyed.
  87. Pack animal sickens in the light of the Near Moon and begins to show lycanthropic tendencies. Lose 1d4 days treating animal, or lose the animal.
  88. Catch a nasty cold from the icy waters (lose 1d4 Con).
  89. Supplies get wet (lose 1d4 supplies).
  90. One of your rings was actually magical and it slips away from your finger as you are crossing, to be found years later by a fisher-dwarf named Smehol. But that is another story.
  91. Nauseated by the odd tides (lose 1d6 Con and Wis).
  92. Lost your cloak and hat to a freak wind.
  93. Fell into a bog and caught a cold (sneezing), also ruined a fine silk kerchief, if you have one.
  94. Acquired a fantastic belief that you are a lycanthrope and require raw, bloody meat to feed your inner beast. This passes once you are out of sight of the moon.
  95. Torn waterskins (lose 1 supply) and horribly bitten by bugs in the night (lose 1d4 Dex).
  96. Flash flood washes away 1d4 beasts (or people if the beasts run out). Saving a beast requires a Str DC 15 check (or related skill). Fail the check badly enough and the hero might be pulled in too. Same DC.
  97. Muddy bog and ravines wash out trail, forcing a detour that wastes 1d4 days.
  98. Bad sunburn from the violet rays (lose 1d6 hp).
  99. Wind blows away one book, map, scroll, or other inconvenient parchment.
  100. Supplies soaked while crossing an unexpectedly rough ford (lose 1d4 supplies).
 

TristramEvans

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1d100 Actually Medieval Professions

RollProfessionGuild?ItemWeaponWeapon Type
1ArmourerGhelmethammerlight, improvised
2Astrologerbook of star tables dagger light
3Bag-makerGleather bagclublight
4BakerG2 loaves of breaddough paddlemedium, improvised
5Barber-Surgeonneedle and threadscalpellight, improvised
6Basket-makerG3 small basketsdagger light
7Belt-makerG2 sturdy beltsbelt with heavy buckleuseless, improvised
8BlacksmithGiron tongs hammer light, improvised
9BrasiersGbrass handlehammerlight, improvised
10BrewerGtiny barrel of beer mash paddlemedium, improvised
11Bridle-makerGleather bridle and saddleawluseless, improvised
12EmbroidererGneedle and thread club light
13Broom-makerGbroomsturdy broommedium, improvised
14ButcherGlive lamb (0 slots) cleaverlight, improvised
15CarderGcomb and bundle of raw woolclublight
16CarpenterGplumb line, 10 nailssaw light, improvised
17CartwrightGhandcart (0 slots)hammerlight, improvised
18Chalk cutterGchalk, 5 pieceschisel (as dagger)light
19ChandlerG3 candlesdaggerlight
20Charcoal BurnerGtorchaxemedium
21Cheese-makerGWheel of cheesebucketuseless, improvised
22Clerkpaper, quill ink dagger light
23CobblerGbag of tacksawluseless, improvised
24Cookbag of salt cleaverlight, improvised
25CooperGbarrel (0 slots)hammerlight, improvised
26Dog breederclever young dogwhip light
27Drunkardbottle of strong liquorbroken bottleuseless, improvised
28DyerG3 vials of dye bag of snails useless, improvised
29FarrierG3 horseshoeshammerlight, improvised
30Felt-makerGfine cloakhammer light, improvised
31FishermanG10' netdeboning knife (as dagger)light
32FletcherG20 arrows, feathersbowranged
33FurbisherGwooden chairhammerlight, improvised
34Gamblerloaded dice (0 slots)dagger light
35GlassblowerG3 glass bottlesiron pipelight, improvised
36Goatherdlive goat (0 slots)whip light
37GongfarmerGsack of nightsoilshovelmedium, improvised
38Gravediggerwooden grave markershovelmedium, improvised
39Hunterdead rabbitbow and 20 arrowsranged
40JailerManaclesclublight
41JewelerGwire scraps, bending toolshammerlight, improvised
42LeatherworkerGleather helmetclub light
43Link Boytorchclublight
44MasonGbag of mortar hammer light, improvised
45MercerG3 fruits, vegitables, or nutsclublight
46Midwifebundle of ragsscalpel light, improvised
47MillerGbag of flourclublight
48MinerGlanternmining pickheavy, improvised
49MinstrelGluterapiermedium
50Miracle Play ActorGdisguise kitwooden sword (as club) light
51NeedlemakerG10 needlesfileuseless, improvised
52Pack HandlerGdonkey (0 slots)whip light
53PainterG3 tubes of paint (R,W,B)clublight
54Parchment makerGparchment, 3 piecesscraping knife (dagger)light
55Parent3 rationsbelt with heavy buckleuseless, improvised
56PlastererGbucket and brushclublight
57PorterGwheelbarrow (0 slots)clublight
58PotterGclay trowel useless, improvised
59Poultry-keeper2 chickensbucketuseless, improvised
60ProstituteGmakeup kit (disguise kit) dagger light
61Rag Manbundle of ragsbone daggerlight
62Rat Catchersmall but vicious dog club light
63Rope-makerG30' ropedaggerlight
64SalterGbag of saltrakeuseless, improvised
65Scullionclay jug, iron potrolling pinuseless, improvised
66SculptorG3 light chisels (iron spikes) hammer light, improvised
67Servant (Domestic)liveryclublight
68Servant (Military)liverydagger light
69Shepherdlive sheep (0 slots)crook (as quarterstaff)medium
70ShipwrightG10 sturdy nailshammer light, improvised
71StonecutterGheavy chiselhammerlight, improvised
72Swineherdlive pig (0 slots)quarterstaffmedium
73TailorGtwo yards of linenscissorsuseless, improvised
74TannerGwaterproof bagskinning knife (as dagger)light
75ThatcherGbundle of reedsdaggerlight
76Trumpeterenormous trumpet swordmedium
77WeaponsmithGmetal fileswordmedium
78Wet NurseG3 cloth diapersclublight
79WoodcarverGdevotional statuechisel (as dagger)light
80WoodcutterGbundle of wood axemedium
81WoolwinderGbundle of wound woolclublight
High-Status
82Alchemistflask of gluedaggerlight
83ApothecaryGnightshade (1d6) pestle useless, improvised
84ArchitectGmeasuring string (0 slots)staff (as quarterstaff)medium
85BankerGset of scales dagger light
86BookbinderGdefective bookawluseless, improvised
87Bureaucratpaper, quill ink club light
88ChirurgeonNeedle and threadbonesawlight, improvised
89Clock-makerGscrewdriver, filehammer light, improvised
90EngineerGjar of greaselead pipelight, improvised
91Falconerglove, trained hawkhawk (1d4, but startling)-
92GoldsmithGset of scalesdaggerlight
93Herbalist"healing" herbsdagger light
94Illustratorpaper, quill inkclublight
95Lead Servantlivery, clubwhiplight
96LocksmithGlockpick setdaggerlight
97Poetbook of poetry dagger light
98SailorG50' ropeclublight
99Storytellerhand puppets quarterstaffmedium
100Tax Collectorlockbox (0 slots)staff (as quarterstaff)medium
 

Fenris-77

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If I paint the lead servant to look like gold how much could I get for him? Asking for a friend...
 

TristramEvans

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WELCOME TO SCENIC WHEREVERTHEFUCK,
IF YOU LIVED HERE, YOU’D BE CAUGHT UP IN DRAMA BY NOW.

A Village generator by Last Gasp

Roll 20d6, 1d4, and a couple of d12‘s if you feel like it. Either do it on a big piece of paper or take a photo that you can pretty-up using a future box.
Remove any d6 that has a result lower than the d4, so that you end up with something like this:

town-generator-dice-drop.jpg

Each d6 is somebody’s house!
Mark where all of the dice landed, then re-roll each lot of d6‘s that have the same number and look up the result on the Common Curiosity table below.
Re-roll the d4 on the table corresponding to its number for the most significant/interesting feature of the town. The group that matches its original number is the most closely associated with it.
Look up the result of the d12‘s on the Other Features of Interest table.
Then roll on Who’s In Charge Here? to find out who’s in charge here.


COMMON CURIOSITY

1Ostracised from the community, more than happy to help ruin the plans of others for good or bad.
2Were once caught in a compromising position with a well-bred member of large livestock. It brings everyone else great joy to ensure they never live it down.
3Have a surprisingly large assortment of goods for trade or sale.
4Incredibly friendly, attempting to summon an earth-shaking terror using an underground shrine they found, need help recovering the innocuous missing pieces.
5Fervent devotees to a known religion.
6Protectors of an ancient and terrible secret.
7Cannibals.
8Members of the same bloodline.
9Addicted to a strange and wonderful new drug they have discovered.
10Under the influence of a sentient plant growing in the area, its form depends on the number of homes affected:
1-2 Discoloured patches on the skin, small hidden sprouts.
3-5 Root clusters in the darkness at the back of their throats, speaking for them, a fledgling mother plant beginning to grow in the area.
6+ A large, established plant, protected by those given over more wholly to its symbiosis.
11Insect cult. If six or more homes are affected, a shrine containing a physical manifestation of their worship exists in the area.
12Aggressive/distrustful towards outsiders.
13Dress like demons and prance around burning pyres when the moon is full.
14Militant nudists.
15Share a psychic connection to one another that allows them to simultaneously experience everything that happens to each individual member, and grants them terrifying powers of the mind when their number exceeds fourteen.
16Extremely welcoming towards outsiders.
17Enthusiastic practitioners of a strange pastime.
18Speak in a dialect not used for centuries.
19Organic body-horror replacements from a fallen star in the hills. They smell of thyme and their flesh is all-too pliable.
20Will attempt to burn Magic-Users and Clerics like witches.
21Capture children of all ages as offering to the toad beast in the woods for the protection of the town. The sacrifices sleep curled within amber pus-filled holes in the hardened skin of its belly until they emerge as misshapen and fantastic children of the fae.
The rest of the town is oblivious.
22Their windows are dark and they do not answer their doors.
23Share a competitive rivalry over something quaint.
(Hunting, baking, growing large vegetables, needlework, gardening, offering sacrifices to their abhorrent god, etc.)
24Are afflicted by a terrible, undocumented ailment.
25Wash their dead in the creek and bury them beneath the silt, returning in a week's time to retrieve their bare, yellowed bones.
26Form the militia of the Blue Palm, adept in the use of paralytic poisons derived from local flowers.
27Incredibly eager to marry-off/apprentice their sons and daughters, will go to great lengths to prove the superiority of their children over their neighbour's.
28Summoned a melting pyramid-headed lady of unspeakable lust and terror as a plaything and instead became her emotional puppets. She can't hurt them but is trying damned hard to make them hurt themselves, she can't leave this plane of existence until they are all dead. She resides in secret at the home nearest to the centre of the group and she hates it here.
29Esoteric horticultural society, with a 3 in 6 chance of having access to any rare plant you care to mention and a high likelihood of losing their minds over any specimens of your own you'd like to share.
30+Recently welcomed the offspring of their god into the womb of a blushing bride on her wedding night, we're all terribly proud.

D4 RESULT OF 1

1A partly-excavated ziggurat hewn from seemingly moist red stone.
2A shunned manor.
3Large statue of a many-armed woman dangling various iron scales from chains. A golden swine stands in one of the largest, holes in its back collect rainwater that drains slowly from its teats over time. Various wedding rites and legal proceedings are conducted by filling the other scales then climbing into the final scale to release the lever protruding from the statue's mouth to discover if they match the weight of the swine.
4A series of bronze columns wrapped in thick, healthy vines, bearing forth sprays of waxy leaves and plump purple fruits.

D4 RESULT OF 2

1An obscenely elaborate gateway to nowhere.
2A well-equipped timber fort, with the severed heads of horses impaled on pikes at intervals around its perimeter.
3A strange sinkhole rife with brilliantly-coloured fungus.
4Monolith of carven white soapstone in the centre of town. Rearrange the houses so that they form rough curving lines radiating out from the monolith.
Most of the townspeople seem entirely unaware of this pattern, but once you mention it to them will descend into obsession over it, eventually seeking to unlock the monolith and what lies beneath.

D4 RESULT OF 3

1Clusters of huge pink-tinged crystals growing from some obscured central mass.
2Memorial crypt holding the fallen of past battles, decorated above by the bones of their enemies.
3Bridge over an algae-strewn stream, drilled full of holes. It is a rite of passage for the young men, not for pleasure, but to deny the begging crone of the water their manhood while she gnaws at their thighs.
4Elaborate tower like one big perpetual motion water mechanism built around a seemingly bottomless pool full of golden eels.

D4 RESULT OF 4

1Many-spired black stone church casting a cryptic shadow.
2A mostly-ransacked library and observatory converted into a watchtower.
3An enormous pale tree, its reaching branches dropping soft purple leaves over the town. Lost baby teeth have been hammered into its twisting trunk, gradually sucked in over the years, and a dark hole gapes near its swollen roots, the faint soft sound of moving air.
4An alchemist's pit of living molten metal contained below a ring of standing stones and a descending spiral staircase.

D12 OTHER FEATURES OF INTEREST


1Weather-worn image of an old god.
2Mystically placed patterns of stones.
3Evidence of some recent natural disturbance.
4Hanging tree.
5Sour earth.
6Verdant hole in the earth.
7Watchtower.
8Healer's hut.
9Remains of destroyed structure.
10Site of recent slaughter.
11Patch of stubborn forest.
12Wellspring.

D10 WHO'S IN CHARGE HERE?

1The nearest odd number to the d4.
2The nearest even number to the d4.
3The nearest matching number to the d4.
4The furthest matching number from the d4.
5The furthest odd number from the d4.
6The furthest even number from the d4.
7Council with a representative from each number group lower than the d4.
8Council with a representative from each number group.
9Council with a representative from each number group higher than the d4.
10We do not speak its name.

And now we want to know who freaking lives here and what their beef is!

Roll 1d8, 1d20, 1d6, and 1d4 for each house, and look up the results on the tables below (the d4 is just to determine which house the d6 relates to).
The relationship table may seem weighted with negative/sinister results, but bear in mind that there are going to be a lot of houses that don’t have a direct relationship stated, so there’s every chance that everyone else is buddies, these are just the more gameable relationships.

D8 WHO LIVES IN THIS HOUSE?

1Couple and 1d8 -2 children.
2Single adult and 1d8 -2 children.
3Bachelor/Bachelorette.
41- Magic-User.
2- Cleric.
3- Specialist.
4- Fighter.
(roll again for family status)
5Widow/Widower.
6d6 associates.
7Extended family.
8d4+1 friends and lovers.

D20 RELATIONSHIP

1Irrational dislike.
2Firm friends.
3Harbours terrible suspicion.
4Owes a debt.
5Adultery.
6Long family history.
7Business.
8Blackmail.
9Estranged friends/lovers.
10Political undertones.
11Blatant fear.
12Yearning.
13Vast respect.
14Black magic.
15Rivalry.
16Knows varied secrets.
17Distrust.
18Mockery.
19Betrayal.
20Blood feud.

D6 REGARDING...

1The d4th nearest odd number.
2The d4th nearest even number.
3The d4th nearest matching number.
4The d4th furthest matching number.
5The d4th furthest odd number.
6The d4th furthest even number.

Which makes the whole town look like this:

town-generator-group-map.jpg
 

zarion

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Militant Nudists...yep...that's definitely going to be a thing in my next game!
 

Fenris-77

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I'm pretty fond of my 100 Things to Find in an Alley, linked in my sig. I'm pecking away at a street scene one, but that's taken a back seat to planning for my Black Hack campaign. I'll probably pick the street scenes back up the next time I run something urban. The two together are going to be the foundation for a chase system. I think. :smile:
 

zarion

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I'm pretty fond of my 100 Things to Find in an Alley, linked in my sig. I'm pecking away at a street scene one, but that's taken a back seat to planning for my Black Hack campaign. I'll probably pick the street scenes back up the next time I run something urban. The two together are going to be the foundation for a chase system. I think. :smile:
Can I get that link without seeing your sig (whatever that is)...cause I can't see a link anywhere.
 

TristramEvans

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Can I get that link without seeing your sig (whatever that is)...cause I can't see a link anywhere.
Sig is short for "signature" - it's the link at the bottom of all of his posts

000sig.jpg

(you can set a personalized signature with links in your profile page on the Pub)

V You can see down below here links to my oft-neglected blog and the Skaven Collector's Guide pdf I created
 
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TristramEvans

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HROSES

1. HEY MAN NOT TO BAD! THE HORSE STOPS FOR ONE ROUND TO THINK THING OVER BUT YOU GET CONTROLAG AIN NEXT ROUND.

2. HORES SAYS “FUCK THIS’ AND TRIES TO TOSS YOU LIKE A SALAD- SAVE VERS. DRAGON BREATH OR TAKE 1D6 DAMAGE AND LAND ON YOUR ASS.

3. DON’T BOTHER SAVE THIS TIME– YOU ALREADY FALL OFF!! TAKE 3D4 DAMAGE BECAUSE HE TRAMPLED YOU AND GOOD LUCK CATCHING HIM.

4. THE HORSE DOES NOT LIKE WHAT IS SEE AND A TURNAROUND IS NOW. GO REVERSE DIRECTION FULL SPEED FOR 4D4 ROUNDS.

5. CRAZY HORSE IS A BLOODTHRISRTY PRICK!!!!!!!!!!!! NEXT FIGHT HE CHARGE RIGHT IN AGAINST THE TOUGHEST ENEMY………HOPE YOU CAN HACK IT, HOTSHOT!

6. NEXT TIME YOU TAKE A BRAKE THE HORSE SPLITS TOWN IN THE MIDDEL OF NIGHT. THEN HE SPREADS WORD TO ALL THE HORSES OF THE WORLD – YOU ARE A SHITTY MASTER. NOW NO HORSE WILL SUBMIT TO A RIDE OF YOU…….HOPE YOU LIKE LONG WALKS1.

7. ROUGH RIDE MEANS YOU DROP YOUR COOLEST TOY – VORPAL SWORD, MAGIC 8BALL, FIREBALL WAND, THE DM DESIDES. BETTER GO PICK IT UP QUICK!!!1

8. THE MOST EMBARESSING…….A BATHROOM BRAKE!! YOUR HORSE TAKES A BIG DUMP AND YOU HAVE TO SIT THEIR AND WAIT. ALL YOUR HIRELINKS LAUGH AND THEY TAKE -1 MORAL FOR THE REST OF DAY BECAUE SITTING ON THE POOP HORSE IS NOT A LEADER?!?!?

9. YOUR HORSE PULLS A HAMMY, MOVE IS HALF AND IF YOU BEAT HIM WITH THE FASTER-STICK ROLL AGAIN THREE TIMES AND DO ALL 3 THINGS RESULTS

10. THIS HORSE IS POPULAR AND THE OTHERH ORSES LOOK FOR INSPIRATION. ROLL AGAIN TO FIND WHAT HE DOES, AND THEN ALL THE OTHER HORSES IN SIGHT DO A SAME THING.

11. OH SHIT THATS NOT A HORSE ITSA DOPPLEGANGLER! FIGHT!!!!

12. HORSE EXPLOSDES, TAKE 6D6 DAMAGE AND SAFE VS. DRAGON BREATH OR YOU ON FIRE FOR 1D6 EACH ROUND UNTIL STOP-DROP-AND-ROLL. NOW YOU NEED A NEW HORSE, PARD-NER!
 

TristramEvans

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HISTORIES

RULERS

ResultRuler Table 1
1He flung himself at the feet of his adoptive mother, promising to be her slave. Old, weak, stupid and gullible, with no one to advise her, she was easily persuaded.
2He found himself the rallying-point of all his mother's enemies, including many of the old guard.
3His triumph had brought out a degree of brutality that none had suspected. He now set about eliminating everyone who stood between himself and the throne.
4The two had also been firm personal friends, no small consideration where ruling monarchs are concerned.
5He showed every prospect of proving himself, in the fullness of time, as great a ruler as his father.
6A sad and sickly young man, probably consumptive...
7...the furious old lady received with the greatest possible reluctance the crown.
8Horrified at the prospect of a marriage to a man nearly twice her age, she decided on a desperate course of action.
9Entirely illiterate, he could boast only two obvious assets: herculean physical strength and a remarkable way with horses.
10He was spending more of his time with monks than with ministers, gradually losing his grip on the state as he sank into morbid religiosity.
11Presumably to protect the interests of his elder, legitimate, sons he had had him castrated in infancy.
12Everywhere he set himself up as a champion of the poor, of all those oppressed by high taxation and the corruption of officials.
13This may have been due to his rapidly-growing insanity.
14He therefore had no objection to leaving affairs of state to his sister, long after he had reached the age when he should have taken them over himself.
15Tall and haggard, his features clouded by constant pain after a lifetime of exaggerated austerities, he was consumed by a blazing zeal.
16With advancing age he was becoming ever more convinced of a divine dispensation that singled him out from his fellow-men.
17At the time of his accession his wife had borne him at least six children, and before her death she was to present him with two more.
18Weak-willed and easily led, he was a natural puppet who could be manipulated by anyone who seized the strings.
19He showed all the makings of a capable ruler. Unfortunately he had inherited that streak of insanity that had clouded the last years of his father's life.
20Her unpopularity increased sharply after the murder of her son, and she now attempted to redeem it by granting enormous remissions of taxes.
21His immediate predecessors had been sensualists and sybarites, happier by far to recline in their palaces, surrounded by women and eunuchs.
22His reign began with perfidy and bloodshed; its close was also clouded by the imprisonment and garrotting of a famous philosopher.
23He took much pleasure in rubbing his decaying teeth, putting new ones in the place of those that had fallen out through old age.
24Among his many unattractive habits was that of surrounding himself with favourites and cronies who would accompany him in wild roisterings through the capital.
25Uncouth, almost illiterate and possessed of a quite uncontrollable temper...
26In war, he had been merciless and brutal; with the coming of peace he proved moderate and understanding.
27For some time he had been conscious of his father's growing jealousy – jealousy aroused by his popularity with the army and citizenry.
28Now about thirty-six, fair-haired and broad-chested, he must have appeared something of a demi-god when he stepped out of the palace, his young wife on his arm.
29For the three younger sons he cared little, and his second he loathed, but his eldest was the only human being, perhaps, whom he ever really loved.
30His only son had predeceased him, worn out by homosexual excesses and venereal disease.
31...not only a foreigner but a heathen, who had killed his own brother and who already boasted at least four wives and 800 concubines.
32He was unfailingly courteous to everyone and was never known to lose his temper.
33He scarcely seemed to have noticed the decline, imitating rather than restraining his wife's wild prodigality.
34She was said to flaunt her depravity by wearing a fringe low over the forehead, the trademark of a courtesan.
35He passed his entire life at play or the chase, and contracted several habits of pronounced viciousness.
36A supreme strategist and a superb commander; there was only one quality that he lacked: the ability to inspire the loyalty of his subordinates.
37He had no military or even administrative experience; but he was intelligent, serious-minded and a hard worker, and his loyalty had never been in question.
38He sold government offices like vegetables in a market.
39Many believed him to be a great man; few would have called him a lovable one.
40He displayed embarrassing signs of falling in love with his half-sister.
41An elderly nephew of the former ruler, he had done his best to hide when the mob began calling his name.
42...made no objection to his continued association with his second wife's niece, a lady of unusual charm who had uncomplainingly shared her lover's exile.
43... a miserable childhood: a father dead, a mother reviled as a concubine and twice exiled, he himself facing constant accusations of bastardy.
44...ascetic and celibate, to whom food and drink were of little interest and creature comforts of none...
45He was already in a state of grave religious uncertainty. No man, in short, was readier for conversion.
46His energy, too, astonished all who knew him, while his capacity for hard work was apparently without limit.
47His immense efforts to reform the administration and to purge it of corruption were repeatedly sabotaged by his own extravagance.
48She was a deeply selfish woman and a pragmatist. They detested their her, but they never questioned her fundamental right to occupy the throne.
49Of her nine children, four had died in infancy, one had a twisted neck and another was deaf and dumb.
50He proved a hopeless hedonist who, in his serious moments, seemed interested only in reviving the old theological disputes.
51Though he had received little formal schooling, a lively intellectual curiosity had given him a modicum of culture.
52A few days later on fuel was added to the flames when he excluded his wife from his coronation.
53A huge and hideous eunuch never seen without a whip in his hand...
54He was accustomed to spend the greater part of the day in bed. Whenever the sun appeared he would seek the darkness, like a wild beast.
55Finding that his affection was not reciprocated, he became suspicious, jealous and at last openly hostile.
56There she remained for the next seven years, constantly intriguing against her husband.
57Few doubted that she was capable of such a crime; but it is hard indeed to see how her position might have been improved by widowhood, self-inflicted or not.
58In physical strength he so surpassed his contemporaries as to fill them with terror.
59As she reached maturity she became a harlot. Never was any woman so completely abandoned to pleasure.
60Her father had been a bear-keeper, her mother an acrobat – antecedents more than enough to debar her from polite society.
61At twenty-eight she was still as beautiful as ever; her embraces cannot have been altogether distasteful.
62...took no interest in power, preferring to lead the life of a gentleman-scholar in one of his innumerable villas.
63He had inspired his subjects with the morale to withstand five years of siege by a power hitherto considered irresistible.
64He finally decided to send his mother, together with his unmarried sisters, to a convent.
65...the initial trickle of footloose younger sons in search of wealth and adventure rapidly grew to the point where it became a steady immigration.
66He cared now only for the state of his Church and for the endless theological disputations in which he found both stimulus and relaxation.
67At the age of fifteen he took a mistress, but his mother forced him to cast her aside.
68He was a man of total moral integrity, intelligent but narrow-minded, incorruptible, impervious to flattery and hard as nails; but he could also be pitiless and cruel.
69Of his four younger brothers, the two eldest were eunuchs like himself; the youngest, outstandingly handsome though unfortunately epileptic...
70...until a hideous wound in the face put an end to his military career.
71This rectitude did not, however, prevent him from putting aside his first wife in order to make an infinitely more distinguished alliance.
72His eleven-year-old bride had turned into a formidably ambitious woman, and relations between the two had long been tense.
73When he was sixteen he had been married off against his will to an ill-favoured girl of asphyxiating piety.
74He was lazy and pleasure-loving, with little of his father's intelligence and finesse.
75The tragedy was that as he eliminated corruption from the government, so he himself grew more and more corrupt.
76She herself was strong and determined, with a love of power for its own sake; she was also excessively pious.
77He was weak and irresponsible, and the effective power soon passed into the hands of his uncle.
78...in appearance, little short of grotesque; bandy-legged and pot-bellied, with a ferocious squint...
79Those whom he believed to possess hidden riches he subjected to imprisonment, flogging or even torture.
80A vulgar illiterate who had been neither educated in the palace nor initiated in the proper traditions...
81...Immersed in sensuality and the most frivolous pleasures
82The violence of his nature has been attributed to the mutilation that he had suffered and the hideous face which he was thenceforth obliged to present.
83His peers were as irritated by his arrogance as they had been revolted by his cruelty.
84He was short and squat, with broad shoulders and barrel chest; his face swarthy and weather-beaten with small, dark eyes under heavy brows.
85He was almost too holy, living on a diet of berries and water, wearing the same filthy robe until it disintegrated, sleeping on the bare earth.
86...transforming him into a monster whose only attributes were a pathological suspicion of all around him and an insatiable lust for blood.
87He was a compulsive liar and inveterate schemer.
88She saw her chance and proposed a joint monarchy. He would enjoy all the pleasures and privileges of kingship, while she took over the regulation of affairs.
89He was always ready to sell justice for gain and every day, as a rule, he would repeal certain laws and propose others.
90It was only to be expected, in view of his character, manners and appearance, that he should have been incapable of maintaining the affections of his subjects.
91He emerges from the chronicles as an able yet somewhat sinister figure. Highly intelligent and energetic, he was also greedy, self-seeking and cruel.
92A more unsatisfactory consort for a lusty young prince could hardly be imagined.
93His only interest seems to have been the raising of poultry.
94By his early twenties he was already a seasoned campaigner, and his physical courage in the field was never in question. What he lacked was will.
95Although he had had little formal education, he learned fast. Within months of his assumption of power he was ruling with a sure and steady hand.
96...carousing with his cronies, cavorting with his concubines, watching obscene performances in his private theatre and avoiding whenever possible the affairs of state.
97His popularity was greater than it had ever been, his supremacy undisputed. The future was his. And he threw it away.
98A woman of immense build, she hardly ever left her husband's side least of all in battle, one of her favourite occupations.
99Her indecent advances were received, however, with coldness and disdain.
100...nightly to the corner of the palace where, among other less reprehensible occupations, the two of them cold-bloodedly planned her husband's murder.
 

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ResultRuler Table 2
1Not surprisingly, the masses responded. All too soon, he began to see himself as universally beloved, the father of his people.
2He worked ceaselessly, indefatigably, as few rulers in history have ever worked, for what he believed to be the good of his subjects.
3...charm, elegance and panache that, together with the fame of his almost legendary exploits in the bed and on the battlefield, had won him an unrivaled reputation.
4It was the first time he had shown a trace of spirit, but he could hardly have chosen a worse moment to do so.
5He was not, however, as pleasant as he looked. Debauched, drunken and pathologically cruel, he loved nothing more than the sight of blood.
6He was less qualified to rule than to be ruled by others.
7Shamelessly bisexual, he filled his court with exquisite young favourites and was said to be an accomplished harpist.
8He possessed, too, an easy-going charm that won all hearts. He too was a widower, but his way with women was still irresistible.
9Though a competent general, he knew nothing of politics; besides, he was already well into his seventies.
10In theory he shared the throne with his brother, but his brother was a pleasure-loving nonentity.
11Physically, he was magnificent. Once a superb horseman and athlete, he still remained an impressive figure.
12Her throne was placed slightly in advance of her sister's, who seemed perfectly content with her inferior status.
13His quicksilver mind saw possibilities everywhere; and once seen they were immediately pursued.
14...though flattered, he remained far from enthusiastic; but he received careful instruction from his brother, and his own ambition did the rest.
15...had bundled his daughter off to there to pursue her studies until her infant fiancé should be of marriageable age.
16At least twelve years older than her husband, she had already had several children, in and out of wedlock.
17...with his ridiculously cross-gartered scarlet leggings, speaking an incomprehensible language and unable even to sign his name except by stenciling it through a plate.
18Her mind possessed a whole extra dimension compared to those of the three dismal princesses.
19There were those who were quick to accuse him of sacrificing his principles on the altar of political expediency.
20She had made no attempt to reform her character after her marriage, and in the years to come was to cause her husband both embarrassment and anguish.
21...then in his early thirties, whose moustaches were apparently so long that they had to be tied behind when he went hunting.
22He was a courageous fighter, a brilliant tactician and leader; of all his subjects, it was his soldiers who loved him the most.
23His wars were fought not for conquest but, unashamedly, for plunder.
24Though liable to sudden bouts of irresponsibility, he was to prove himself a fearless soldier and, normally, a conscientious ruler.
25He was almost insanely prodigal with money, lavishing huge sums on churches and monasteries.
26Almost immediately he fell victim to the drunkenness and dissipation that was to kill him before he was seventeen.
27Amid a huge and fundamentally hostile family he was alone, unwanted, and unloved. Fortunately his physical weakness was offset by a lively mind.
28In the three years since his accession he had developed a persecution mania that led him to new extremes of cruelty.
29He was crowned with a bystander's gold necklet and seated on the throne.
30His eyes twinkled so brightly under his reddish-brown hair that he always seemed on the point of laughter, but beneath this breezy exterior lurked a will of steel.
31Despite his proclivities, he was three times married, fathering six sons and a daughter.
32He employed trickery and deceit in plenty, but he was neither violent nor brutal.
33He was the very archetype of the younger son who cannot forgive fate for the accident of his birth. Cold and cruel, ambitious and self-seeking, he...
34He was devoid of any semblance of moral fibre, reacting to every challenge with mindless cruelty, ordering executions and mutilations by the hundreds.
35He adopted the habit of wandering incognito through the streets, listening to the grievances of the people and endlessly investigating prices – especially of food.
36A former admiral who had been dismissed from his post after eloping with a local nun and, on the theory that opposition was the best defence, had risen in revolt.
37...led a life of quite exceptional austerity, eating and drinking sparingly and avoiding women altogether.
38The boy was quick-tempered and perhaps over-fond of women, but he promised to make a fine ruler.
39Power had gone to his head: as his reign continued he became ever more arrogant and overbearing.
40The degree to which this tiny but irresistible man returned her love is somewhat less certain.
41His widow should properly have waited for her father, as her nominal suzerain, to appoint a successor. Instead, she assumed the Regency herself.
42He was a puppet of his father-in-law and made little pretence of being anything else.
43His love was awakened by the more forcible passions of ambition and avarice.
44As he sank ever lower into dissipation, he became less an embarrassment than a serious liability.
45Unfortunately, his character was no better than that of his surviving brother.
46He began to withdraw further and further into himself, lapsing into deep depressions and even bouts of insanity.
47...historian, politician, and philosopher. The pity is that he should also have been self-seeking, conceited, sanctimonious and untrustworthy.
48She was to reign at his side, taking decisions and giving him the benefit of her counsel in all the highest affairs of state.
49Never had any of his predecessors inherited so desperate a situation.
50Few had ever shown greater promise, but, at the age of twenty-four, he was already growing lazy.
51He lost the sympathy of his sister by having her lover assassinated.
52She was obliged to listen in silence while her son read from a prepared script, informing his mother that her Regency was at an end.
53Under a tangle of red hair, his thick, beetling eyebrows met across his nose; the rest of his face was deformed by a huge, angry scar that turned crimson when he was aroused.
54Once enthroned, he distributed his entire fortune among the poor and adopted an extreme asceticism in his private life.
55His only possible rival was completely under his control and, incidentally, his son-in-law.
56After death of his first wife, he had gone through a ceremony of marriage with his niece.
57Violence and brute force seemed to be his only weapons. Before long, however, his popularity was gone.
58Short, swarthy and snub-nosed, with tiny beady eyes set in a head too big for his body and a thin, straggling beard...
59...his subsequent behaviour when, having spent his wife's immense dowry, he had the marriage annulled and sent her home, was never forgiven.
60...a minister of unspeakable depravity...
61...he was carried to his throne and seated upon it with the heavy iron shackles still on his legs.
62Of his three nieces, two was villainously plain: the middle sister was however a good-looking girl of twenty-three.
63His vicious wife held him up to public ridicule as a fool, an incompetent, and a cuckold.
64His appetite for women was prodigious, his way with them irresistible.
65...he thought only of appeasing the divine anger which had reduced him, while still in his twenties, to a bloated travesty of what he had been.
66He seems to have been possessed of considerable charm, a first-rate academic mind, and very considerable learning.
67...slow in speech and movement; and his character was as weak as his intellect.
68The shared monarchy, by contrast, was to last only sixteen months – principally occupied by religious affairs.
69He had absolutely no social graces.
70Worn out at forty-one by dissipation, he was to occupy the throne for a little under thirteen months.
71His courage and determination are the only bright spots in a saga of frustration and disorganization, of cowardice and chaos.
72Scheming and duplicitous, consumed by ambition and ever thirsty for power...
73His harshness and austerity had won him little love from his subjects.
74Seven years younger than his brother, he equalled him only in brutality.
75She had turned all her thoughts to religion to the point where she became mildly ridiculous.
76In an explosion of rage still almost audible down the centuries, the old king burst out of his monastery, seized back the government, and deposed and blinded his rival.
77...showing all the energy, stamina and endurance that had made him a legend among his subjects.
78While he lived she was all-powerful, with her own future and that of her children assured. Now that he was gone, they were in grave danger.
79Had he allowed his soldiers only a little more bread, or his people just a few more circuses, he would easily have escaped his fate.
80Outside the army he had no interests save his religion, leading a life of almost monastic austerity.
81One of his first actions as Regent was to have her arrested, shorn of her hair and dispatched to a distant convent.
82Meanwhile, he had forfeited his last remaining supporters and was now defenceless against his most formidable enemy – his mother.
83He was to prove a better ruler than anyone had expected, and his reign was to be characterized less by stupidity or cruelty than by sound common sense.
84Content to leave the responsibilities of government to others, he was unable to check his own moral decline.
85Her subjects despised her, her advisers were at each other's throats, her exchequer was exhausted. Sooner or later a coup was inevitable.
86This dandified young fop was promoted by his uncle to the rank of general.
87...since he is perhaps the only monarch in all history to have been crowned in utero.
88...a nonentity who was incapable of rebellion but unfortunately of everything else as well.
89His conduct when the legality of the union was called in question suggests that he loved his young wife to distraction.
90He inherited both his father's magnificent physique and his charm of manner. He was devastatingly attractive to women; and, not surprisingly, he himself fell in love.
91She insisted on personally holding the keys of the treasury, granting him a meagre allowance for himself and his family.
92As he gradually came to understand who was responsible, his early respect for his cousin turned to an undying hatred.
93Though now nearly eighty years old, he was still remarkably spry – he had a daughter of four – and no one else could match his record.
94Her beauty was breathtaking. She was also intensely ambitious and utterly devoid of moral scruple.
95If he ultimately fell short of greatness, this was largely due to his uncontrolled liberality.
96His military gifts and physical courage were unquestioned, and he was a natural leader of men. He had but one liability: his wife.
97It was a position for which she had long striven but one which she had little opportunity to enjoy.
98He had wielded his ill-gotten power with wisdom and moderation.
99He had had the misfortune to fall in love with his own daughter-in-law, for whom he had abandoned his wife; the ensuing scandal was the talk of the capital.
100Tall and broad-shouldered, his ruddy complexion half-hidden by a thick black beard above which shone eyes of a brilliant pale blue...
 

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DEATHS

ResultsDeaths
1Three subordinate commanders were respectively hanged, impaled and crucified.
2He lost - all too predictably – his nose, together with as much of his hair as was necessary to provide him with a tonsure, and was packed off to a monastery.
3Seven of the leading citizens were roasted alive, countless others were drowned in the approved manner.
4A willing assassin was found among his many enemies, and the deed was soon accomplished.
5He commuted the death sentence to one of blinding, with perpetual exile.
6He left behind him a heavy heritage: one that would have defeated better men by far than those who were, alas, to succeed him.
7...but his attempt ended in fiasco. He was captured, thrown into prison and never heard of again.
8There remained the problem of her husband; but fortunately – some people thought a little too fortunately – he chose this moment to die in his turn.
9He was suddenly compelled by a call of nature to retire; and immediately, falling headlong, he burst asunder in the midst and gave up the ghost.
10Two soldiers of barbarian origin stepped out from behind some bushes and ran him through with their swords.
11He left behind him clear orders: the crown should go to his son during whose minority his maternal uncle should act as Regent.
12Abandoned and humiliated, she withdrew to a convent where she lived for the next thirty-five years, writing the history of her father.
13He was on the whole a just and merciful ruler, and when he died he had, by the standards of the time, remarkably little blood on his hands
14A little over four months later his eyes were put out. It was, as it happened, his eleventh birthday.
15The following year he was murdered by a drunken eunuch.
16Death delayed its coming for another ten years, during which he persistently refused to delegate his authority, while possessing neither the ability nor the appetite to wield it himself.
17...who was found hiding in a haystack and was recognized only by his protruding teeth.
18Their lives were spared, though the three boys were castrated to prevent their making any bids for power; his wife and their daughters were immured in convents.
19Already stricken by mortal disease, he was approaching a state of both mental and spiritual collapse.
20Just as his new expeditionary force was ready to march, he suffered a sudden seizure; within minutes he was dead.
21Even on his deathbed he had done his best to perpetuate his catastrophic policies.
22...but just short of his objective he stopped to await his rearguard; a disastrous mistake.
23...met her fate in the calidarium of the bathhouse – though whether by scalding, stabbing or suffocation by steam we shall never know.
24His hands and feet were to be cut off, his body then to be impaled on a stake. The sentence was carried out on the spot.
25Her tongue was cut out; his nose was slit, and she was exiled.
26...in the palace baths; though whether it was caused by a sudden seizure or by his head being firmly held under the water was never established.
27All those involved in the burial ceremonies were put to death, so that his last resting-place might remain for ever secret
28Only when he came to leave was it politely explained to him that his departure would unfortunately not be possible.
29He was exiled with his family where, the following winter, cold and hunger did for the lot of them.
30...but in the course of a memorial service held nine days later they murdered him at the high altar and hacked the body to pieces.
31...he seized him, stuffed his ears, nose and mouth with horse dung and tortured him to death.
32Arrested and brought to the capital, she accepted the situation with dignity. She was exiled, and a year later she was dead.
33He complained of exhaustion and, on the following day, was stricken with a violent fever. Five days later he was dead.
34...was captured and brought in chains to the city, where he was led around on a donkey and finally put to death.
35...killed by an arrow, and two-thirds of the army perished with him.
36The unhappy youth was then clapped into irons and eventually succumbed to the bowstring.
37Accused of every kind of vice, he was stoned to death in the street.
38At the sight of his once-splendid army he collapsed in a fit of apoplexy, dying two days later.
39The news of the murder seems to have been received with little regret outside his immediate family.
40It was fortunate for the treasury that he died – of poison, it was rumoured, taken in a dish of mulberries.
41...his eyes gouged out and his face and head alive with worms, he lived on a few days in pain with a foul stench all about him until he gave up the ghost.
42He was suffocated in his sleep by the vapour of charcoal, which extracted from the walls of the apartment the unwholesome moisture of the fresh plaster.
43...a slow-acting poison was slipped into his cup; he awoke the next morning scarcely able to move his limbs.
44After several days without food or water, he was blinded in one eye and brought forth on a scrawny camel to face the fury of his erstwhile subjects.
45Instead, he was seized and burnt alive.
46His spinal cord severed, he was carried back in unspeakable agony to the capital.
47Whether he dismounted to drink and was swept off his feet by the current, or whether his horse slipped and threw him, we shall never know.
48Flung into prison by his son, being allowed only as much bread and water as would keep him alive and so prolong his agony.
49On the fifth day he was shot slowly to death with arrows.
50Alive, they would have defended him to the last breath; dead, there was no point in avenging him. They had a new master now.
51Most of the chroniclers record that he died as a result of a hunting accident, and two give us a detailed account; but the story they tell is, at least, improbable.
52She was placed under close surveillance, in which condition she remained for the rest of her life.
53His subjects, in short, were well rid of him; and his death came not a moment too soon.
54She was left in her second widowhood at her half-brother's court.
55He was then thrown to the ground, kicked and spat upon, and beaten until he lost several teeth and was on the point of collapse.
56During one of his regular tours of inspection, a group of prisoners fell upon him, seized an axe from one of the workmen and struck off their victim's head.
57Though still only in his middle fifties he looked old and ill.
58All others suspected of disloyalty met their deaths by the axe, the bowstring or, more frequently, slow torture.
59While he was lathering himself in his bath, one of his attendants, in a fit of uncontrollable nostalgia, felled him with a soap-dish.
60...until his death, almost certainly by poison, in the following year. His corpse, we are told, was dragged naked through the city...
61He was obliged to interrupt his journey and there, broken alike in body and spirit, he died.
62...hanged with all his staff officers on a row of gibbets erected along the city walls; others were tied in sacks and thrown into the sea.
63...men, women and children by the thousand were slain in cold blood and flung into the sea.
64...whereupon her husband fell upon him and stabbed him to death. His friends, dashing forward to avenge him, were surrounded and quickly dispatched.
65Sent back to the capital, he was next thrown into a prison where he was beaten and two of his teeth were knocked out.
66His captors cut off his ears, nose and hands, put out his eyes and tore out his tongue. He survived his subsequent trial and lived, after a fashion.
67To his successor's eternal credit, he suffered no blinding, no exile. Abdication was enough. He died soon afterwards, a private citizen.
68...he was shipped off to end his days in the prison he so richly deserved.
69Out of the corner of his eye, he saw the chamberlain make a surreptitious signal. His hand flew to his sword; but it was too late.
70He was the first ruler for half a century to expire, while still a reigning monarch, in his bed; the first, too, to leave a strong and healthy son to succeed him.
71He set off on a brief hunting expedition, in the course of which an arrow accidentally wounded him in the hand. Septicaemia set in.
72...with one tremendous stroke of his sword, sliced him down from collarbone to thigh.
73Less than four months later came the final, unmistakable sign of divine displeasure: she suffered a miscarriage, which proved fatal.
74His second successor had been hammered to death by jealous relations.
75His wife and three young children were captured. Of the four, three never appeared again; one son was still in prison forty-three years later.
76Thus, with a transparent lie on his lips, he expired in misery and shame.
77His death, was pious, efficient and well-ordered, like his life.
78As he was marching in the fierce heat, his legs grew so swollen that they could no longer support him. He did not live to complete his journey home.
79...the ceiling of his new study fell on him and crushed him to death.
80His stomach and feet were hideously swollen, while his mouth, tongue and throat became so inflamed that he could no longer swallow.
81...but he was by now an old man and the strain was too much for him. He died, of rage and a broken heart, before sentence could be passed.
82His four younger sons were butchered before his eyes; then he himself faced the executioner and was dispatched at a stroke.
83...felled by a well-aimed javelin.
84The palace guard mutinied, fell upon their hopeless master and flung his dismembered body into the river.
85He was attacked by a sudden violent fever, and within a few days he was dead.
87Saintly and hideous, magnificent and insufferable, he had deserved a better end.
88...was suspected of having adulterous relations with his stepmother and was therefore executed.
89...but some time autumn with the air already growing chill, he stayed in his bath too long. Pleurisy resulted. He lingered on until the new year.
90He died, in the most characteristic way he could have died, bravely but unnecessarily.
91The envoys arrived in early to find him gravely ill with typhoid fever.
92The aggression was costing him far more than the commercial privileges he had withheld. He swallowed his pride and restored them.
93By this time, however, it was plain that he was mortally ill: the monks bade him prepare for death.
94...murdered while attending a banquet – under a promise of safe conduct – with his captors.
95There remains, however, the fact that he was deposed by a popular insurrection after only four months and eleven days on the throne.
96The anger welled up within him as he listened, his face turning a deeper and deeper purple until he suddenly fell forward in a fit of apoplexy and died.
97...ordered him to be hurled into the huge furnace that heated the baths of the palace.
98...enabling his old rival to win the victories and the acclaim that should have been his own.
99...during the night following his marriage to yet another of his innumerable wives, his exertions brought on a sudden haemorrhage...
100He managed to escape but was quickly recaptured and brought back to the palace; and there his eyes were put out.
 

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WAR

ResultWar
1Six months later he tricked his way into the city, slaughtering the garrison...
2Dismissing the embassy with the minimum of courtesy, he prepared for the fray.
3...whence they are said to have returned with no fewer than 292,000 captives.
4In the previous siege, the fighting had been limited to the summer months; now it continued throughout the cruelest winter that anyone could remember.
5Then, and only then, came the tragedy. The entire city now fell victim to an orgy of pillage and destruction.
6...appropriated empty houses and settled in with their families; refugees were encouraged to return; damaged buildings were repaired and restored.
7Men and women, monks and nuns, young and old. Some were hanged, some beheaded; many children were buried alive.
8Of the rest, nearly half lay dead; the survivors were secured with the same ropes and fetters that had formerly held the captives.
9He had effectively immobilized both of his enemies. The unprincipled adventurer was at least a worthy adversary.
10...announcing their own imminent arrival and calling upon the people to rise against the new usurper.
11By his courage alone, he had saved the day. But the war was not yet over.
12He had not taken it by force; his men had simply occupied a place abandoned by its former inhabitants.
13These commanders, however, realizing that they would be hopelessly outnumbered, refused to advance.
14It was over quite quickly: the army was progressively outflanked and outfought until, as the sun was sinking, it fled in panic and disorder.
15As spring turned to summer they marched down from the north, fell on the sick and demoralized enemy and killed, we are told, 22,000 of them.
16Meanwhile a troop of soldiers quickly ran the fugitives to earth.
17He would probably have won the day had not his cavalry unexpectedly defected.
18The mercenaries took their own decisions; when there was any plunder they kept it for themselves.
19The admiral had been horrified to find his new allies not only far fewer than he had been led to expect but roaring drunk in the bargain.
20More probably the raiders, finding the city impregnable and having exhausted the possibilities of extramural plunder, simply decided to call it a day.
21Their overbearing arrogance caused constant disaffection among their allies.
22...the performance of the army having been characterized by a combination of treachery, panic and ignominious flight.
23...disbanding the seasoned regiments in favour of groups of wanderers and refugees whose cheapness was no substitute for discipline or experience.
24Rather than return and report failure, the leaders of the fleet decided to rebel.
25Fearing, presumably, that his general might turn against him, he also gave him too small an army to be of any real use.
26Whole companies were massacred, others were flogged or blinded.
27...defended by so few soldiers that all able-bodied male citizens were called to the ramparts.
28The once-glorious army had given up the whole enterprise after four days' fighting.
29All that she managed to obtain was the recall of her husband; if failure was now inevitable, she was determined that he should not carry the blame.
30The effective elimination of the fourth participant in the struggle for supremacy led inevitably to a radical realignment among the other three.
31It was under this new and deeply uninspiring leader that the sad and weary retreat continued
32Many of the inhabitants took refuge in a large church, in which they were promptly burnt alive by the conquerors.
33He would have to come to terms with the barbarians in order to free the most brilliant of his generals for another period of service.
34...but of the fleet, much of it by now dangerously unseaworthy, only five vessels returned home in safety.
35...a fleet massive enough to carry some 27,000 mounted knights and all the equipment necessary for the most ambitious campaign of his career.
36One promise he kept to the letter: there was no looting of private houses, rapine or killing.
37All the male citizens were put to the sword, the women being reduced to slavery and presented to the barbarians in gratitude for their alliance.
38A few of his men carried him, unconscious, to a nearby stream to bathe the wound; the remainder fled from the field. The war was over.
39Their shameful flight was probably due to treachery rather than cowardice, but it was not a jot the more excusable for that.
40Thus, within a matter of weeks, he had antagonized both his prospective allies.
41Sweeping down from the mountains to each side and concentrating their fire on the beasts of burden, whose dead bodies soon blocked the road...
42It was an astonishing document. In return for the vague promise of insignificant reinforcements a long time in the future, it secured for him a small empire.
43...while his bailiffs toured the island, requisitioning without compensation grain, fodder, horses, cattle and pigs to sustain the army on its long journey.
44Storms arose without warning and engulfed his entire fleet.
45They might have escaped, had not the engineers lost their heads and drawn the bolts too early.
46After this second disaster the besiegers seem to have been overcome by panic. Their siege engines had proved useless, their subtlest stratagems thwarted.
47After four years of bloodshed, both found themselves politically very much where they had been before.
48The garrison, totally without provisions for a siege, surrendered without a struggle.
49As the first of their ships was engulfed in flames, the remainder turned abruptly away.
50He resolved on a final onslaught, this time from the sea.
51In the interests of a quick agreement, with a marriage alliance as a further guarantee, he was quite prepared to make a few minor concessions.
52The mercenaries predictably chose the moment of supreme crisis to demand impossible increases in their pay; meeting with a refusal, they disappeared.
53It was more than a disaster; it was a disgrace.
54promised at least that there would be no killing or torturing, and no destruction of buildings
55But this was not the old story of a mortally sick man seeking a glorious death on the battlefield. The campaign was meticulously planned.
56They also told him of a postern gate in the walls, through which a handful of men could easily pass into the city. The opportunity seemed too good to miss.
57sparing neither women nor children – babies, we are told, were hurled into threshing machines.
58Instead of begging for peace he appealed to his better nature and pressed him earnestly to mend his ways.
59He had then advanced deep into enemy territory where, while sparing the adult populations, he had seized all the children he could find and dashed their heads against the rocks.
60The battle was furious, and for a long time indecisive.
61For three days he waited, during which his scouts discovered an old conduit, long disused, running beneath the walls into the city.
62When he found himself betrayed by a whole regiment of 7,000 auxiliaries he knew that the battle was lost.
63Only at nightfall did the conquerors call a truce and withdraw to their camp in one of the great squares of the city.
64The capital was sacked, the harbour installations destroyed, the surrounding country ravaged.
65...but though the capital was secure, the provinces were falling away.
66The horrors of that summer were long remembered as he engulfed the land in a fury of destruction.
67Meanwhile, some time in the early spring, a secret agreement was concluded and a peace treaty duly signed.
68Of each hundred prisoners, ninety-nine were blinded; to one man a single eye was left, that he might conduct the remainder to the presence of their king.
69But he was not yet ready for annihilation. He had lost the first round, but he had now shaken off his habitual lassitude and his blood was up.
70Firing streams of arrows from their decks, his ships slowly forced their way up the river.
71...he too was obliged to accept vassalage. His motive was probably sheer despair.
72Most of his army was cut to pieces. Many were burnt to death when the enemy fired the palisades, others were crushed by artificially-induced landslides.
73The inhabitants of the suburbs sought refuge within the gates, which were closed and bolted behind them; and the long-threatened siege began.
74The garrison, who had been reduced to a diet of dogs and mice, gratefully accepted the terms offered them.
75By dawn the crowds were already gathering in the streets. Before long, inevitably, they went on the rampage.
76The mercenaries behaved as mercenaries all too often did: nevertheless, their wages had been paid, and they might have shown a little more spirit
77...a mixed force of cavalry and infantry with which he was able to enter the capital in strength.
78The carnage ceased only when the conquerors were too exhausted to go on.
79...a thousand men behind him. Six days later, agreement was reached.
80This was not just an army but an entire nation on the march.
81He offered peace in return for a down payment of 5,000 pounds of gold, plus 500 more each year.
82...and he fled back into his wilderness fastness, his army pell-mell after him.
83Soon cases of cannibalism were reported. As the weather worsened, cold and undernourishment brought disease.
84Food was short; the rivers were all in flood; the heat was murderous; and the flies were so thick that they blotted out the light of the sun.
85...but his newly-recruited army mutinied and he was obliged to return.
86Dispirited and homesick, with its pay long overdue, the army fell away.
87The bloodshed and butchery continued for a week; only then did the raiders re-embark with their plunder and – we are told – more than 30,000 prisoners.
88The next morning they struck their camp; the day after, they were gone.
89Hardly had they entered the territory than they began pillaging, ravaging, raping and even murdering as the mood took them.
90He enjoined his brother-in-law to make every effort to avoid bloodshed, and to offer all those who submitted a guarantee that they would go unpunished.
91But none of these small triumphs brought him any nearer to his goal.
92...carrying not only two and a half thousand fighting men – more than half of them cavalry – but also their wives, mistresses and children.
93Everywhere, order was preserved. There was no murder, no bloodshed, no looting.
94Summoning all his subjects to the main square, he exhorted them to resist with all the strength at their command.
95A few words of conciliation might yet have saved the day; instead he blustered, threatening to cut off all the city's supplies of food.
96Plague broke out in the overcrowded ships and spread with terrible speed. By spring thousands were dead, the survivors weakened and demoralized.
97Only when the sun set did they realize that there was virtually no enemy left to oppose them.
98A day or two later the siege began. It continued for eight months, and as winter came, the citizens' morale began to flag.
99But the conspirators had gone too far. The army supported him to a man.
100...politely drawing his army aside to allow the newly arrived garrison, 6,000 strong but panic-stricken, to flee for its life.
 

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EVENTS

ResultEvent
1Here he spent the summer in an intensive programme of tactical training, testing his own generalship and building up the stamina of his men.
2The conclusion was obvious: he must marry a third time, and have a son. But was such a thing permitted?
3He singled out two officers as his potential assassins, and invited them separately to his house; as they entered, he leapt upon them and strangled them with his own hands.
4The barbarians were disappointed about the ban on bigamy, but on the whole more than satisfied.
5They learned to their horror that the he had divorced his wife and was contemplating a second marriage.
6In order to be able to introduce his longtime mistress into the palace without provoking a scandal, he persuaded his chamberlain to marry her.
7He hastily embarked his child-wife and his favourite concubine on to a waiting ship and fled with them...
8He was not unduly disturbed; he knew that some at least of his supporters would join him under cover of darkness, and so they did.
9This ban extending to all comic, tragic or satyrical masks, all transvestites, and all those who ‘curled their hair in a provocative or seductive manner’.
10Sinful as it might be, his marriage was now at least recognized.
11The general found himself relieved of his command; his magnificent household was disbanded, his accumulated treasure confiscated.
12He was asleep when the messenger arrived, but was roused by his grandson. At first he refused to believe the news and boxed the boy's ears.
13he became convinced that a bronze boar was his other self, and had it provided with new teeth and genitals in an attempt to remedy the extraordinary wear and tear that he had inflicted on his own.
14The chariot races aroused such excitement that the final contest had to be cancelled for fear of public disturbances.
15Clearly, his subjects whispered, he had incurred the wrath of God by his incestuous marriage to his niece.
16The insurrection was quickly put down and its ringleaders punished, the five brothers being tonsured and forcibly ordained.
17He countered this by using two undercover agents, a priest and a prostitute, to disseminate copies of a letter. The priest was arrested, but the prostitute did her work admirably
18There were those who attributed this decision to a desire to escape hideous visions of his brother, whom he had murdered two years before.
19Here he somewhat imperiously began stripping the city of what few valuables it still possessed.
20In the first four years of his reign he could never have afforded such a luxury; but now every key post was in the hands of one of his own supporters.
21For a girl of just sixteen, those first four months must have been little short of a nightmare; and it is only right that we should spare a thought for her loneliness.
22This saintly but insufferable prelate, by his scorching castigations, had made himself dangerously unpopular at court.
23...he discovered that whereas other ambassadors had brought magnificent presents, his own master had sent nothing but a letter, 'and that was full of lies'.
24Furious, they took ship for home and their tempers could hardly have been improved when pirates stripped them of all that they possessed and held them captive for nine months.
25...a sentence which, in default of anyone courageous enough to pronounce it, had been transcribed on to a piece of parchment and pinned to the back of his cope.
26...those famous Persecutions that were to rage, scarcely controlled, for the next eight years.
27...but when she returned to tell her husband that she had given away two of his most important cities, he immediately launched a furious campaign,,,
28Never for a single second did it occur to him that he might be wrong.
29Considerable numbers of potential soldiers were settled, receiving inalienable grants of land on condition of hereditary military service.
30Earlier that year he had accused him – quite unjustifiably – of high treason.
31The popular reaction was immediate: the commander of the demolition party was set upon by a group of outraged women and killed on the spot.
32The flash-point was reached when the captain imprisoned the city's most popular charioteer.
33...solemnly read a sentence of anathema on a whole string of heretics, including his own predecessor...
34Several of the old senatorial families were already beginning to trickle away, lured by the promise of magnificent palaces in the city
35His wife was now determined on divorce, and he dreaded the attendant difficulties and embarrassments.
36All the old charges were revived, and new ones introduced; hosts of new witnesses were called, each prepared to swear that the archbishop had committed every crime in the statute book.
37Private loans to merchants were forbidden; shipowners were permitted to raise money only from the State, which charged interest at 17 per cent.
38Twelve years of seclusion had done little to improve her appearance, but he was not interested in her looks.
39...the famous stylite of the city actually descended from his pillar for the first time in fifteen years...
40His instinctive reaction when he received this portrait was to hurtle it into the fire.
41The riot spread like wildfire through the city, and as it gathered momentum it began to reveal a guiding hand.
42Here was a dangerous doctrine indeed. Its propagator was arraigned before nearly a hundred bishops and excommunicated as a heretic.
43If a bishop should dare even to raise the subject, he would be deposed; a private person doing so would be flogged and banished.
44Their capital lay in ruins around them; it must be rebuilt – where possible, on a yet grander and more impressive scale than before.
45Meanwhile, profiting by the latter's absence, he looted his house, laid waste his estate and finally seduced his wife.
46He had his rival blinded, and ordered that all four of his other uncles should have their tongues cut out.
47He was once again preoccupied; and the problem was once again theological.
48That night there was an earthquake, which so frightened the superstitious woman that the exiled prelate was recalled and reinstated.
49The last thing he wanted was his daughter's return; he had six others, and she was serving a far more useful purpose where she was.
50When the news reached the capital, he flew into another of his rages; his subjects, however, felt no sympathy.
51The story, assiduously circulated, that he had repented on his deathbed can safely be discounted; but it solved a potentially embarrassing problem and no serious objections were raised.
52No clearer mark of divine displeasure could be imagined.
53...a most marvelous sign appeared to him from heaven...
54Once again the air was thick with sedition; traitors were everywhere.
55...his own incarceration – made a good deal more irksome by the presence of his wife, who had insisted on sharing it together with their infant daughter.
56Her more thoughtful subjects despised her for supposing that their affections could be so easily bought.
57He listed all his sins one by one, asking absolution for each. Then, before the high altar, he was scourged by a young novice before returning to his cell.
58Strangely enough, both were wearing peaked fur caps to protect their heads from the bitter cold, and the first blows were directed against the priest.
59A mob marched on his palace, pillaged it and burnt it to the ground. His country estates, too, were destroyed.
60Taxes were kept deliberately, low, and payable not in gold but in kind.
61It was suggested at the time that, dazzled by the her beauty, he had fallen passionately in love with her; and it is not hard to see why.
62There was no purpose in overthrowing a ruler whose subjects were obviously about to do so themselves.
63He was also becoming dropsical – a disability which quickly led to impotence.
64There was no swagger, no insolence or arrogance: everything bought was paid for, promptly and in full.
65He wisely refused to say a word, even when sentence of anathema was pronounced upon him; but this hardly mattered.
66His aspect grew still more sombre, his religious observances ever more morbid and morose. He no longer slept in a bed, but on a panther-skin laid on the floor.
67Only then, half-starving, freezing cold (for it was now mid-winter) and unable to walk, was he brought before the tribunal.
68The hapless princess found herself immured in a convent, with which she was doubtless far from pleased.
69He was a blinkered bigot who did not even wait for the end of his own consecration before ordering his rival out of the church.
70At night the streets were loud with the carousings of drunken soldiery, to the point where honest citizens feared to leave their homes.
71...only on his arrival did he discover the local commander to be his incompetent and profligate brother.
72He turned on the ambassadors, abusing their countrymen as a race of hideous and filthy beggars, ruled by a prince dressed only in the skins of animals.
73...an agreeable old reprobate who spent most of his time telling dubious stories to the rest of the commission.
74He knew that he had one duty that took precedence over all the others: to survive.
75He had returned to find himself facing a number of serious charges fabricated by his enemies, including simony, perjury and adultery.
76Famine and pestilence followed.
77After that, there could be no question of departure; the crisis, it was agreed, must be resolved by force of arms.
78He agonized, but his wife did not hesitate. Cutting off her hair, she immediately entered a convent.
79...and when the decision was taken to replace him with someone more amenable there was no shortage of bishops ready to testify against him.
80...by the richness of his presents and promising him the hand of his daughter in marriage. Flattered beyond measure, he offered 40,000 men in return.
81Silently a rope was let down from a window, and one by one the conspirators were drawn up into the building.
82Citizens were no longer permitted to hold nocturnal feasts, on the grounds that they led to unbridled licentiousness – which indeed they very often did.
83He cheerfully admitted his former hostility; this time, however, he had come of his own free will, as a friend.
84The treasury was empty; the new taxes that he was obliged to introduce were openly resented by his subjects, who knew full well where their money was going.
85...ordered a mass conscription of all able-bodied men, including foreigners, within his dominions.
86By this time, we are told, they had even tried to force him to resign by bribing a young woman to accuse him of seduction.
87When the soldiers arrived he stood implacably before them and turned them away, while the trembling eunuch cowered beneath the high altar.
88Quietly he made his plans, and when all was in readiness he summoned his enemy to the palace.
89...declared the entire agitation to be unfounded and unnecessary and forbidding any ecclesiastic to venture any further opinion on it.
90They obediently ruled that the law in question had been promulgated during the reign of a condemned heretic. The decree was consequently without validity.
91...but mass conversions almost invariably have political undertones, and this was no exception.
92In their efforts to force him into an abdication he had been arrested once again, subjected to further repeated beatings, starved for a fortnight, and incarcerated.
93To them he was an impostor: an ecclesiastic only in name, whose ordination had made a mockery of one of the most solemn sacraments of the Church.
94But now came the Terror: an orgy of blood-letting worse even than that of a century before.
95There was no other obvious candidate for the post, and a sickly youth, unlikely to last very long, may well have seemed a harmless stopgap.
96To make matters worse these missionaries were spreading two dangerous heresies.
97He enjoyed, however, considerable support among the people: and furious fighting broke out in the streets.
98He knew she would never countenance the marriage on which he had set his heart. It would have to be war after all.
99Despite her vow of virginity, she was able to contract a nominal marriage to a senator and ex-soldier.
100Finances were restored, by taxation, forced loans, crippling fines for past corruption and – for the first time in its history major contributions from the Church.
 

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P IS FOR THIS POTION


1. IN A FLASH YOU RUN SO FAST LIKE A QUICKSILVER BOLT FOR 3D20 TURNS, MOVE 10X YOUR NORMAL SPEED, ATTACK 8X PER ROUND

2. NEXT 10D8 ROUNDS HEAL 1D4 X 10 DAMAGE PER ROUND, IMMUNE POISON OR GET SICK, AC0, ATTACK LIKE 20TH LEVEL FIGHTER, ATTACK CLAW/CLAW 2D12/2D12

3. 4D4 ROUNDS PUNCH DOES 1D10 X 10 DAMAGE, SEE-THROUGH STUFF VISION, FLY AS FAST AS YOU WANT, STRENGTH TO DO ANYTHING, AND CANNOT BE HURT, AND EYES SHOOT FIREBALL BEAMS, AND BLOW A CONE OF COLD, AND FLY AROUND PLANET BACKWERDS TO MAKE TIME REVERST, AND FEEL A LITTLE SAD BECAUSE NO ONE KNOWS WHAT IS LIKE TO BE YOU

4. FOR 2D10 TURNS YU GET IMPROVED INVISABILITY, CAN MAKE INVISIBLE STUFF TO USE (BRIDGES, PILLARS, STAIRS, SWORD) AND MAKEA IN-VISIBLE SHIELD THAT GIVES YOU AC-10. ALSO YOU ARE NOW A CHICK (IF YOU WASNT ALREADY)

5. 4D12 ROUNDS A FANTASTIC POWER OF STRECHING – BECOME A ROPE, SLIP UNDER A DOOR, ATTACK FROM FAR AWAY, CROSS A GAP, AND MORE……………..YOUR IMAGINATION IS IN CHARGE!!!!!!!!1

6. BODY TURNS INTO SOLID MAGINCAL +5 PLATEMAIL. STR IS NOW 18. TOUCH BY RUST MONSTER AND YOU DIE FOREVER. THIS IS FOR 5D20 TURNS.

7) GAIN 400 POUNDS OF GREEN MUSSELS. STRONG ENOUGH TO DO WHATEVER YOU WANT, A PUNCH IS 1D12 X 10 DAMAGE. JUMP A FEW MILES. NOTHING IS HURT YOU. INT & WIS ARE 4 EACH. ANGER ISSUES (A HOT CHICK WILL SOLVE IT(), FOR 2D8 ROUNDS

8. 8D4 ROUNDS? CAST WEB ALL THE TIME YOU WANT. 16 STR + 18 DEX. NEVER SURPRISED ALWAYS ATTACK FIRST. I GUESS STICK TO WALLS&CEELING TO!

9. IT LASTS 5D6 ROUNDS. SHOOT MAGIC MISSILES FROM YOUR FACE 4 PER ROUND, BUT IF YOU DONT WEAR A HELMET YOU MIGHT SHOOT ALL YOUR FRIENDS.

10.TELEPORT WEHREVER YOU WANT, CHA 3. LASTS UNTIL REMOVE CURSED IS CAST UPON YOU.

11. YOU HAVE A FIRE MADE OF BODY. FLY ALL OVER AT SPEED OF EAGLE, FIREBALL ONCE A ROUND, BURN SHIT UP CONSTANTLY, DICK ATTITUDE. 15 ROUNDS.

12. A SHITTY ROLL…. YOU CAN TALK TO FISH AND MAYB THEY FIGHT FOR YOU BUT WHAT THE HELL IS A CLAM GOING TO DO AGAINST A OGRE ANYSWAY?
 

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DINOSAUR ATTACK YOU CHART

THE RULES SAY DINO-SAURS JUST HAVE REGUALR ATTAKCS

AND DAMAGE AND STUFF, BUT HAVE YOU EVER FIGHT A REAL DINOSAUR? THOSE FUCKERS ARE CRAZY AS SHIT………..TRICKY WITH MOVES YOU NEVER KNOW!!!!! PLUS THEY ARE FATASS MONSTERS- ONE FALSE MOVE AND DEATH IS ON YOU HOTSHOT. SO TRY THIS IF YOUR PLAYERS WANT TO SCREW WITH THE KINGS FO THE JUNGEL…..

ROLL FOR A HIT LIKE REGULAR. IT IT MISS, NOTHING BUT IF A HIT THEN FOR A NOMRAL DINOSORE OR MAYBE SMALL LIKE STEGGASAURUS OR TRISERASTOPS OR BARNEY JUST ROLL 1D10 (1-10), AND IF ITS A MEAN DINAUAR LIKE TYRANOSAUROS REX OR GODZILLA OR A DINOBOT ROLL 1D20 (1-20) AND THEN LOOK FOR THISCHART:

1. ROAR – THE MITEY ROAR FROM A LOSTWORLD!!!!! NOT ANY DAMAGE BUT ALL OF YOU IN 50′ OR LESS IS SAVE VS. SPELLS OR STUNED 1D6 ROUNDS (CANT DO SHIT BUT RUN AWEAY)

2) JUMP & KICKED- PICK THE RANDOM PC IT DONOT MATTER HOW FAR A-WAY, THE DINOSOUR JUMPS LIKE A FRIGGING RABBIT AND DELIVERS A KARATEY KICK FO R2D4 DAMAGE.

3) ASS BUMP – A SWAY FROM THE FUNK IN THE TRUNK SENDS THE THE THE CLOSEST PC FLYING 10D6′ AWAY, ROLL 1D6 DAMAGE FOR EACH 10′.

4) EXPLOSIVE PISS – UP GOES THE LEG AND OUT OF THE PRIVATES COME A FIREBHOSE OF PISS IN YOUR FACE. PICK A 90 DEGREES ARK ANDD ALL PCS WITHIN 30′ IN THERE GET DRENCHED, SAVE VS. POISON OR ONLY BARFING FOR 1D10 ROUNDS. ARMOR+CLOTHES PLUS EVERYTHING YOUR CARRY IS GROSS AND NOT TO BE USED UNTIL A BATH IS TAKED.

5. TOSS – A HIT WITH THE HEAD AND THEN LIFT &THROW LIKE A ANGRY BULL. 1D6 DAMAGE & SAVE VS. PARALYSE OR WOOZY FOR 2D4 ROUNDS.

6. WEEK BITE – JUST A NIBBLE, BUT IT HURTS LIKE HELL! 3D4 DAMAGE.

7. TAIL SWAPP! – CLOBBERED BY A COBRAKAI STYLE SWEEP. EVERYONE IN MELEE RANGE SAVE V. PARALYDSED OR KNOCKED DOWN……. SUBTRACT ARMOR-ONLY AC FROM 10, THAT IS HOW MANY ROUNDS TO GET UP.

8) PIN & RIP – A STOMP TO THE CHEST PINS YOU DOWN THEN THE BITE COMES….. ASND TARES ALL YOUR ARMOR AND CLOTHES OFF. NO DAMAGE, BUT NOW YOUR ARE AC9.

9) STABBED– LIKE A CLAW OR HOREN OR SOMETHING GOT YOU. 2D8 DAMAGE AND THE DINO LIKES THE TASTE OF YOUR BLOOD SO WILL ONLY ATTACK YOU FROM NOW ON.

10. HEAD BUT- FOR RANDOM PC IN MEELEE RANGE, TAKE 2D10 DAMAGE…….. IF ITS A TRICERTATOPS SAVE VESRS. PARALYSE OR DIE.

1)1 A FASE PUNCH – FROM A DINOSOR!!!?!??! SURE HWY NOT, YOU GET CLOCKED FOR 2D12 DAMAGE…………………..IF THE DINO IS A T-REX THE DAMAEG IS ONLY 1HP BECAUSE OF THE BABY ARMS, AND THEN YOU CAN LAUF AT IT.

12) TRAMPLE – A PUNISHING SHOT. TAKE 1D6 DAMA
GE FOR EACH HIT DICE OF DINO (SAVE FOR ½ ) AND THEN KNOCKED OUT FOR 4D4 ROUNDS.

13) SIT DOWN SQUISH – SORRY TO INFORM YOU CLOSEST PC, YOU ARE UNDER MANY TONS OF FAT LIZARD ASS. EVERY ROUND ROLL SAVE VS. PARALYZE – THREE IN A ROW MAKE YOU GET FREE, THREE IN A ROW FAIL GET OUT 3D6 AND ROLL 6 TIMES IN ORDER.

14) BARE HUG – A PAINFUL WAY TO MAKE ANEW FREND!!!!!!!!!!! 7D4 DAMAGE.

15) A SOLID STOMPING– HE STOMPED THE YARD AND YOU JUST GOT SERVED……….. ALL IN 30′ RANGE TAKE 1D8 DAMAGE FOR EACHHIT DIE 0F DINASAUR

16BITE &THROW – THE BITE HURT SFOR 5D8 DAMAGE, THE THROW PUTS YOU 10D10′ AWAY AND COSTS ANOTHER 3D10 DAMAGE. CANNOT ATTACK AGAIN IN A ROUND UNTIL YOU ROLL OVERYOUR WISDOM ON 3D6.

17 .ANGRY GLARE. NO DAMAGE BUT THE INTIMIDATION IS FOR REAL. EACH PC SAVE VS. SPELLS AT -3 OR RUN THE FUCK AWAY.

18) MEGA-CHOMP!! – SAVE VS. DEATH OR DIE (CHEWED & SWALLOWED). IF SAVE, THEN ROLL 1D4…. THATS HOW MANY HP YOU HAVE LEFT. EVERYTHING ON YOU MUST SAVE VS. CRUSH WITH -5 OR ITS TOAST. TO.

19) ROLL AGAIN TWICED.

20) ROLL ON WANDERING DINOSOUR CHART, HIS BUDDIES JUST SHOWED UP.
 
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